


All Too Well

by RoselynneSummers



Category: Love Simon (2018), Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Drama & Romance, Fluff and Angst, Gay, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-18
Updated: 2018-10-17
Packaged: 2019-05-25 04:57:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 71,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14969579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoselynneSummers/pseuds/RoselynneSummers
Summary: Simon.  If he could be summed up in three words: funny, awkward, and kind.  Not a combination you would find in most fraternity guys.  He has the perfect girlfriend, the perfect parents, and a damn near perfect circle of friends.  The only problem...he's very gay and this very sweet guy is tempting him to take the ultimate chance and change his life.Chapter Eighteen - Cut to the Feeling: Simon has one last bridge to mend, and then he's off to return to college and continue to piece back together his relationship with Bram.





	1. Lonely Together

 

The hip-hop beat coming from the people-sized amps in the house's den is enough to burst the eardrums of any college student. For some reason intoxication changes the rules. Throughout the large fraternity house people are playing aggressive games of beer-pong, cheering over decks of cards telling them to waterfall, and banging tables while shouting chants over good old-fashioned games of anchorman. The common denominator for everyone is alcohol, save for the poor soul who decides to stay sober.

Simon Spier stands behind the Omega Beta Theta bar and serves drinks to his peers. He is known as a good guy who always takes care of people, but tonight is going to be messy and Simon wants a completely clear memory to harass his friends with tomorrow. Not to mention, if he is going to stay sober to make sure nothing is broken, trashed, or thrown out of windows, he may as well get some amusement out of it.

Simon. If he could be summed up in three words: funny, awkward, and kind. Not a combination you would find in most fraternity guys. Maybe that's why he’s so popular with the girls he’s come to know. His hair is dark and short with an almost permanent disheveled swept-back style. His lips are a little thin, but hide a perfect smile. He is well kept, mostly because he doesn’t have the ability to grow facial hair. Most of all, he has no idea that he is so attractive. Indeed, most of the girls he knows call him the perfect catch, though those same girls will be no more than friends with him. He is just _so_ nice.

"SPIER!" a brunette hollers as she falls sloppily onto the wet and sticky bar. It’s made of birch with beer bottle tops and liquor labels lacquered on the top, just in case you couldn’t tell from its somewhat shoddy construction that it was made for a frat house. Simon’s pledge class made it before their initiation.

"Anna?" Simon smiles, "Had too many?"

"You know," the inebriated girl says as she slips behind the bar with Simon, "I think Chris is trying to get me drunk."

Simon looks at her, he stands a good 8 inches taller than the short bombshell, "Isn’t he your boyfriend now? Why are you hiding? Why is he trying to get you drunk?"

Anna’s eyes stare through Simon, the glassy haze confirming that she did not hear even one of his questions. She burps loudly and shrugs, “He'll never find me back here."

Simon shakes his head and turns his attention to another brunette wearing an off the shoulder romper. Her dark hair falls past her shoulders in cleverly done messy curls. She approaches the bar, stands on the tips of her toes to lean over, and plants a short but sweet kiss on Simon’s lips.

"Did I ever tell you you're really sexy when you're mixing drinks and opening beer?" Leah smiles.

She is the girl who can be more than friends with him. She’s changed a lot since high school, but they’ve grown and changed together. As much as you can change in a couple of years, anyway. She’s a sister of Kappa Gamma Delta, Omega Beta Theta’s sister sorority. They both grew up in a small suburb outside of Atlanta. Shady Creek. As it’s name would suggest, it is idyllic and gossipy. Leah used to be a bit self-conscious and somewhat peculiar, but her short time at the University of Georgia has allowed her to open up. She’s popular, funny (in a somewhat bitchy way), and she’s brilliant. She doesn’t play the drums anymore, but she beats on tables in the dining hall when no one is watching—maybe she is still a little self-conscious.

"No," Simon grins, "but you can tell me all you want." He places his finger under her chin and rests his thumb below her lower lip. They kiss for another moment.

"I just wanted to tell you I'm headed next door to sleep," Leah’s sorority house is right next door to Simon’s fraternity, "I'll see you in the morning."

Simon nods and kisses her, “Love you.”

"BYE LEAH!" Anna hollers ten minutes after Leah has left. She jumps up, but moves too quickly for her stomach. She quickly releases all of the alcohol she’s been guzzling all night long on the floor right next to Simon.

"Uh." She says as clutches her stomach.

Simon sighs heavily, "Dammit, Anna!"

-X-X-X-X-

The sun is just rising over the trees and houses up and down South Milledge Avenue, better known in Athens, Georgia as fraternity and sorority row, when Simon is pounced on in his bed and jolts awake.

"Uh," Simon grumbles as he opens his eyes, shielding them with his hand from the rising sun, "Leah?"

"Uh huh," Leah kisses her boyfriend on the cheek, "unless you've got other girls sneaking in your bed at 10 am."

"Shut up."

Leah jumps up from his bed and opens his closet, fishing through his clothes for something he can wear. This is a normal tradition by now. She wakes him up for class, grabs some clothes for him, and they head off to class together. She is much more of a morning person than Simon.

By the time she has grabbed a polo, a pair of jeans, and kicked his shoes out from under his desk, Simon has barely stopped yawning.

"C'mon!" Leah throws the clothes down on his lap, "I don't care how drunk you got last night, you're at UGA for class, too."

Simon rises from the bed and begins to get dressed, "I didn't drink, but I did clean. You need to tell your friend Anna to watch how much she drinks."

Leah smiles. She and Anna had gone to the same high school as her and Simon and had always been a close friend of hers. She and Simon used to date, actually, and it gives Leah a sense of security to hear him refer to Anna as “her friend.” Leah feels beautiful because of the way Simon looks at her _and_ because she knows she’s cute, but Anna is drop dead gorgeous. Anyone would be a little jealous.

"She never has been much for moderation," Leah says as she steps up closer to Simon. She reaches under his shirt and pinches his tight stomach, "and lucky for me you have."

"SHUT UP!" hollers Simon's near comatose roommate, Nick, from across the room.

"Looks like you're the only one in the house who is," Leah grins as she grabs her book bag. As she leaves the room, she smacks Nick as hard as she can on his butt, "Good luck recovering!"

Simon leaves the room, but not before hearing a loud grunt from Nick.

-X-X-X-X-

One year. Not long in comparison to most long-term relationships, but a pretty notable accomplishment for college students.  One year that Simon and Leah have been together, officially. One year that they have been faithful to one another. One year of which Simon and Leah's friends have been telling them that they will never make it. Why?

"Because you're two different people!"

Simon eyes his cocky co-worker. She is loud at times, a bit obnoxious, but fun to be around. She is a classic know-it-all with no censor between her brain and her mouth. But when it comes to strength of bonds, Laura was next to none. A full-figured black sophomore, she is a year behind Simon in school. When she started working as a waitress alongside him at La Ciudad Clásica, the most popular Mexican restaurant in town, they became quick friends.

"I'm just saying," Laura speaks, as she leans on the cashier counter, "she's not right for you."

"And why is that?" says the girl standing behind the register: Maria, the Hispanic hostess who is a junior alongside Simon. Unlike Laura, she is more reserved with what she has to say, but has a temper hotter than anyone would guess.

"Because she's a sorostitute, for one," Laura eyes Simon.

"The term is frat mattress," Maria corrects Laura, "and not all of them are sluts."

"This is my girlfriend you two are talking about," Simon reminds them, “Not to mention the fact that slut-shaming is not okay. Also, don’t forget we’ve been best friends since elementary school.”

"Hush," Laura holds her finger up, "the grown girls are talking."

Simon doesn’t blame Laura for her strong distaste for Leah. Leah hasn’t made their friendship easy, especially since they started officially dating. Not to mention that Simon sometimes calls Laura Leah or Leah Laura in the midst of arguments and quick comments. Leah was always his constant in high school, but there was an odd shift in their dynamic when they officially caved in and gave the boyfriend/girlfriend thing a go.

Sometimes he wonders if they would have ever gotten together had it not been for the fact they didn’t talk for over a year.

"Hold on," Simon glances outside, "I think Rico is calling me, I'll be back." He steps away and heads behind the restaurant's bar.

Laura follows his gaze outside and turns to grab Simon, but he has already slipped outside of arm's length. What he had been looking at was a small family getting out of a car: an older man and woman and a small child. Laura turns and glares at Simon. As she does they get closer to the door.

"Oh, no," Laura shakes her head at Simon, "you are not sticking me with those tight-wad sons of—"

A bell rings as the three enter the restaurant.

"—Hi! Welcome to Classic City!" Laura forces a smile as she turns to face them.

They grunt as Maria seats them. Laura trails after them, glancing to Simon who smiles at her as she walks. She quickly flips him off.

-X-X-X-X-

Simon leans back in his desk chair as he stretches out the pains of the day. Long classes, long shift at work, and he ends up sitting on his desk chair wasting the rest of his night. Nick hasn’t made it in; he is probably still in his study course for the VCAT. Simon chuckles at the thought of Nick, the drunk-ass he loves to call a roommate, being a veterinarian. For a moment, Simon flashes back to simpler times…when he, Nick, and Leah would all chill in Nick’s basement playing video games. When they were the closest of friends. When he wasn’t dating Leah…

His phone vibrates on his desk. A text message, from Blue.

_Blue: What are you doing?_

The corner of Simon’s mouth stretches into a wide grin.

_Simon: Definitely thinking about you._

There is a noticeable beat before Blue responds.

_Blue: I hate it when you do that._

_Simon: Why?_

_Blue: Because I hate thinking about you, thinking about me, somewhere on campus without me._

_Simon: Why so blue, Blue?_

_Blue: Haha._

_Simon: I was hoping you would text me. I missed you._

_Blue: If you miss me so much you could…_

_Simon: No._

_Blue: …text me first??_

_Simon: Oh! Haha._

_Blue: I know, Nick. We’re not meeting in person. I wasn’t going to ask again._

Simon feels an all too familiar pang of guilt. Blue doesn’t know that Nick isn’t his real name. Blue doesn’t know that most of the things he knows about him are false. He made them up to hide himself deeper in the closet he had been trapped in for years.

Simon wishes he had taken the opportunity in high school to come out. Back there everyone knew him and he knew everyone would have supported him. His mom, his father, his sisters, his friends…even Leah…everyone would have. He just never did. Now, in Athens, Simon risks something much more real with it getting out that he is gay. The general student body isn’t as progressive as Shady Creek was and, in Trump’s America, being gay seems to be more taboo than it was a couple of years ago.

In college, Simon suddenly found himself being ashamed of something he rather liked about himself in high school. Perhaps it was the confluence of Nick really wanting to be in this fraternity, so he rushed with him, and the easier sighting of red MAGA hats in his day-to-day interactions, but something is keeping him from being truly “Simon.”

Not to mention the Leah situation.

_Simon: Blue, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions._

Simon grins as Blue sends back a gif of Lady Gaga jumping off of the roof of NRG Stadium.

_Blue: You can call me Bram._

_Simon: I know, but I’m blue when I don’t hear from you…_

Simon has Bram saved in his phone as Blue, just in case someone goes snooping through his phone and wonders why he’s texting some random dude so much. When they first met online they spent months trading e-mails back and forth, but agreed to make Google Voice accounts so they could call and text without having their real phone numbers out there. Well, Simon insisted on Google Voice. Blue/Bram didn’t really care.

_Blue: I want to hear your voice. Can I call you?_

_Simon: I’m home alone ;)_

Simon answers on the first ring.

“Hi.”

He hears a sweet chuckle on the other end of the line, “Hi.”

Simon gets up from his desk and stretches out onto his bed. “You sound so damn sexy.” He yawns.

“You sound so damn tired.”

“Mmhmm,” Simon mumbles. Truth be told, he is faking it. He just likes the way Blue talks to him when he’s half asleep. It’s almost like he’s wrapping his arms around him through the phone. “Will you talk to me until I fall asleep?”

“Of course, babe,” Blue responds, “I’m listening to your favorite right now.”

"HOLY SHIT I HATE THE VCAT!" Nick exclaims as he slams into the room and falls face first onto their couch.

Simon hangs up the phone immediately, he can’t risk Nick hearing the conversation he was just having. You see, Simon could be summed in three words: funny, awkward, and kind. But a fourth word is also an inextricable part of his outward facing identity: straight. While inside he is very much gay. His hair is dark and short with an almost permanent disheveled swept-back style. His lips are a little thin, but hide a perfect smile. He is just _so_ nice.

He is also just _so_ gay.

And no one knows.

And he hates himself for dating Leah knowing that he is gay.

But what else can he do?

Maybe he isn’t _so_ nice after all.


	2. Dirty Little Secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who has to know when we live such fragile lives? There are so many different pieces to Simon's constructed identity and some of those pieces aren't making sense to those closest to him.

 

Simon eyes the girl sitting beside him. This is it. This is his chance. He has to prove himself or face humiliation. He glances at the clock: 10:58; class will start in twelve minutes. Dr. Anderson, the slightly overweight middle-aged balding professor, stands behind his podium daring anyone to be late. Simon shakes his gaze from the clock and the professor back to the piece of paper in front of him.

"Dancing Queen," Simon eyes the brown-eyed girl awaiting his response, "Abba."

"Damn!" she exclaims in a rushed whisper.

"Funny," Simon smiles at her, "you think you're so smart."

"It's true right?" she pinches his leg and leans closer to him, "I mean, you kind of are. Except you can’t dance."

Simon jerks back and looks around them, casually, but obviously, "Loud much?"

"Not yet," she smiles, "but I can be."

"Abby, seriously?" Simon shakes his head and pokes her in the ribs.

Abby playfully slaps him on the cheek. As if on cue, Leah plops down in the seat beside Simon.

"Hey, baby," she smiles at Simon and kisses him on the cheek that Abby just slapped. She eyes Abby and nods to her, "Abby."

"Leah," Abby responds, grinning at Simon when he cocks his eyes at her.

There really are a lot of eyes doing a lot of things this morning.

Leah has never hidden her distaste for Abby. Since before she and Simon started dating, Leah regarded Abby as competition and has revealed that to Simon more than once.

"Did I interrupt anything?" Leah asks, knowing that she did.

"Just hangman," Simon replies, "which I won."

"This time," Abby interrupts, "but this has been going on for the past two years and I'm usually on top."

Leah nods and fakes a smile.

Simon never was one for awkward situations, and any time Leah and Abby are in the same room it quickly becomes that kind of situation. Neither of them is to blame, there is one thing that means the two girls will never be close: how close they are to Simon. Leah, the girlfriend and long-term best friend, and Abby, the new best friend. One thinks she knows everything about Simon. One actually does.

Unfortunately, the one who does know everything has known Simon the shortest amount of time.

It was a fraternity rush party where they met, the first college party Simon and Abby experienced. It was their first weekend at UGA and Simon decided prove his manhood by winning at every drinking game he played. As Abby tells the story, "like most idiots" he got way too drunk and she ended up scratching his back and playing in his hair while he got rid of all the alcohol he took in through the night. Between heaves he would lean over onto her thigh and she would sing Beyoncé’s classics to him. When she began to sing Green Light and he knew every word the sparks started to really fly.

It was a gross bonding session that resulted in a solid friendship. To everyone's surprise their relationship was never sexual; they just kept growing closer. Their friendship reached a new level this past summer just before their junior year began: a new level marked by Simon coming out to Abby. It was a very long, very complicated, and very slurred drunken confession that he had planned to have with her for a long time.

Needless to say, the two have a chemistry that cannot be matched and that bothers Leah. Abby understands Leah's concern, but she refuses to go out of her way to make a girl happy who will never like her. Whenever Simon and Abby have a truly private conversation she always ends up riding him to break up with Leah. She has ever since she found out he’s gay. Simon can’t bring himself to do it, claiming that the nice guy in him keeps him from doing it until he has a good reason or until the “right time”.

"There's never going to be a right time!" Abby protests over Chik-fil-A chicken nuggets and a diet coke. Their Monday, Wednesday, and Friday schedule is nearly identical, which means frequent lunch dates.

"You don't know that! It could come tomorrow, or at the Auburn game this weekend." Simon takes a bite of his pizza, "If we lose I can blame her and dump her." His last words squeezed through a mouthful of pizza.

"I know you’re trying to be funny and deflect the fact that you feel like a subpar human being for all of this…but that’s not funny. Also, this is not attractive," Abby rolls her eyes and circles her fork in front of Simon’s face, "I thought gay guys were supposed to be more…gay."

Simon gives her a dumbfounded look as he chews.

"You're eating pizza, which isn't healthy, you’re talking with your mouth literally brimming with dead meat and cheese and you're freaking out about the Auburn game this weekend. Oh yeah, and you've got a girlfriend."

"She thinks I'm doing just fine." Simon grins.

"Does she know you like penis?"

"I don't know. At least that gives us something in common." Simon laughs, "She likes it, a lot."

"Ew," Abby puts down the chicken nugget she was going to eat, "I never want to hear about Leah's affinity for penis again, ever."

Simon laughs, "Sorry, I keep forgetting you don't like to talk about  _the sex_."

Abby grabs her tote bag and her tray, "Speaking of which I have to go talk to our Human Sexuality professor about the sexual positions and which one implies female dominance. I bombed that on our last test."

"What made you, the sex-o-phobe, think you could take human sexuality and actually study it?"

"Its coitophobia, which I don't have, and I don't know," she stands and looks down to him, "you wanted to take it and I love you just that much to tag along." She leans down and kisses his cheek, "But on a serious note, you know you need to fix this thing with you and Leah. You’re joking about it to avoid it, but it’s time.”

Simon sighs heavily and grabs her hand, “Thank you for being here for me. I love you.”

Abby puts her hand on the same cheek she kissed and squeezes it, “You’re so damn cute.” She then slaps it. “But also get your shit together.”

Simon makes a guttural throat noise that can only be described as a tongue gurgle. "Miss you already," Simon takes another bite of pizza as she walks away. He barely has time to swallow before Martin, one of the brothers he avoids the most in his pledge class, sits down. People call him Wall.

"I'll tell ya man," Wall says as he watches Abby walk away, "you're a hardcore pimp."

Wall got his name because he, for lack of a better word, is a wall. He towers over most people at 6'4, has a large built frame with a beer belly to match. He also has a thing for Abby. Simon can’t blame him. She comes off as sweet and innocent. She is also insanely attractive and is utterly clueless to that fact.

"Umm insinuating that she’s a prostitute isn’t the best way to start this conversation. And I'll tell you," Simon says as he begins to pack up, "I'm with Leah."

"Still, you've got the hotties crawling around ya."

Simon laughs, "I guess that's better for y'all. I've got help out the frat's lame game somehow."

Wall laughs as he and Simon rise from their seats. The two walk out together, Wall talking mostly about Abby and Simon cringing at the thought of Wall being interested in her.

-X-X-X-X-

"Look at them," Laura whispers to Rico, the sexy Latino bartender, motioning towards the line of surgically enhanced housewives sitting at the bar, "how does it feel to know all those botoxed faces and liposuctioned hips are here to just to watch you sweat trying to keep up with their drink orders?"

"Jealous?" Rico replies with his thick Spanish accent.

"You wish."

Rico pinches Laura's butt just as he walks down to take more orders from the desperate housewives.

"I saw that," Simon said as he grabbed 5 Miller Lite pitchers from under the bar.

Laura grinned, "You shouldn't be paying so much attention to my ass."

Simon took a moment-long glance at Rico, who was arguably the most attractive guy at the restaurant. Simon then began filling up the pitchers.

"It's not your ass I'm paying attention to," Simon eyed Laura and caught the odd glance she gave him, "or--anyone who—who--works here. Leah for me!" He coughs unnecessarily.

Laura leans close to Simon, "You say the weirdest junk sometimes."

Simon grins, "It's why you love me." He finishes filling the pitchers and loads them onto a large tray.

"Who's the alcoholic?" Laura asks, noting the huge quantity of beer.

"My brothers," Simon sighs, "about 10 of them decided to pile in and get drunk tonight. I feel sorry for the pledge that has to drive them back."

"I feel sorry for you," Laura pats his back, "I hear your brothers are lousy tippers."

"Only to me, and only when their drunk," Simon looks out of the large windows opposite the bar out onto the patio where his brothers are laughing and talking, "which is always." He shrugs and walks off.

"LAURA!" a large Mexican man emerges out of the swinging double doors leading to the back kitchen, "¡Acelérar! Tu ha conseguido dos órdenes!"

"No hablo español, fat ass!" Laura yells as she heads to the kitchen.

"He said that you—" Rico begins to explain.

"—I know what he said; get back to your 40 year old whores."

Rico turns and smiles at the "40 year old whore" in front of him, who heard Laura clearly and looked more than pissed. He could only smile wider. But then again, she did just invite him back to her place to drink by the pool.

-X-X-X-X-

“I’m not mad,” Blue declares, “I just thought I somehow freaked you out. You know, with the whole accidentally making you think that I wanted you to meet up thing.”

“No,” Simon protests, “You didn’t. My roommate came in and startled me. I should have texted you afterward. I should have texted you today. I don’t know why I get so weird.”

He could hear Blue’s breath on the other end of the phone. Simon’s neck hairs stood up as if Blue was right beside him, breathing into his ear.

“No, I should have texted you to clarify.” Blue stops. “Nick, I miss you when I don’t talk to you. I’ve never seen you, never touched you, but I can’t imagine what my life would be like without you.”

There it goes. Simon literally collapses on his bed because his knees can’t hold him up. His heart sinks.

“Well, if we’re being honest,” Simon begins, “I have a confession to make.”

“What?”

_My name’s not Nick. My name is Simon, I’m in Omega Beta Theta, I’m terrified to come out, but I want to be with you._

That’s what he wants to say, but what he really says is: “Half the time when I yawn and tell you I’m tired I’m really not. I like the low whisper your voice goes to when you think I’m sleepy. It makes me feel like you’re holding me through the phone.”

Blue laughs, “So I’m automatically the big spoon? What if I’m three feet tall and you’re seven feet tall?

Simon laughs too. There are things he wants to say, but doesn’t know how to say them.

Blue picks up on the silence. “You know there’s a song kind of like that. From way back in the day. Soulja Boy, Kiss Me Thru The Phone.”

Simon actually laughs, loudly, “Baby you know that I miss you.”

Blue sings back, “I wanna get with you tonight but I cannot baby”

Simon keeps it going, “And that’s the issue, boy you know I miss you.”

Both of them finish together, “I just wanna kiss you but I can’t right now so baby kiss me through the phone.”

That silence is back. Blue whispers, “He call my phone like da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da…” Just like Soulja Boy does at the end of the song. “The fact that you know that song makes me like you even more.”

Simon can’t help but think of how lucky he is to have Blue in his life. He had met a couple of other gay guys his age when he first came to UGA, but most of the out gay men in Athens generally tended to be kind of elderly and deeply freaky. It made being closeted and trying to meet gay guys even harder.

Simon always found himself questioning his motives for meeting gay guys. He knows he won’t cheat on Leah, but talking to guys who, generally speaking, were only interested in one thing seemed like cheating. Somehow knowing that he had no sexual interest in his girlfriend didn't bother him as much as knowing that he was sexually interested in men. It was an odd mix of guilt, shame, carelessness, and curiosity that he felt horrible for feeling.

But if being in the closet and not living his life the way he wanted is how his years in college have to be, then at least he gets to talk to Blue. Maybe the closet isn’t so bad if you have someone to share it with.

“You there, babe?”

Simon snaps from his thoughts, “Yeah. Just thinking about you.”

Blue chuckles in that sweet, slightly quiet, adorable way that is characteristically Blue.

Simon takes in a deep breath, “Am I enough for you, Blue?”

“Wow,” Blue almost gasps, “I’d ask what you mean, but I think I know. I’m going to be honest; I really want to meet you. I want to be with you. I want to have a relationship. But there’s something about you, Nick. Right now we’re just fine. Let’s live in the moment, don’t worry about tomorrow.”

Simon can’t explain it, but his eyes start getting foggy. His nose gets a tad runny and he has to sniff hard. It isn’t lost on Blue.

“Nick,” Blue talks sincerely, “babe, what’s wrong?”

“I just really fucking like you,” Simon laughs though he is choked up, “and I’m confused. But you’re right, live in the moment.”

Silence.

“Listen,” Simon says, “I have to go. But I heard a song that made me think of you today.”

“Let me guess, it’s called Blue?”

“Actually, yeah, by Troye Sivan.” Simon licks his lips, “I’ve got to go. But will you listen to it? Picture me sitting on my bed, AirPods in, listening to it and thinking of you.”

“I will,” Blue promises, “And out of the 30,000 students at UGA you’ve now narrowed my search down to the 25,000 with AirPods.”

“I’ll miss you.”

“I’ll miss you more.”

“Impossible.”

“Totally possible, it’s happening right now.”

They hang up the phone. Simon rolls out of bed and begins to put on his gym clothes to go work out with Nick. The real Nick. The game, the lies, the constant dodging of identifying information. Simon played the game before, many times. It was a lesson he learned his freshman year of college, thanks to a guy named Kent who damn near outed him. It could be called fear and that would not be entirely wrong. Needless to say, Simon does what he has to do to keep from being outed…or at least what he thinks he has to do.

Simon shook the thoughts from his head and texted Nick.

_Simon: On my way. Ramsey in 15._

-X-X-X-X-

"Should I feel bad?" Simon says as he plays with his own fingers.

Abby sits across the table from him. Her eyes are fixated on the book and papers in front of her. She does not respond. Simon looks up from his intertwined fingers and scoffs.

"Um, hello, ranting here. Attention must be paid."

Abby looks up, "I'm cold."

Simon eyes her, "And I'm talking."

"Give me your hoodie."

Simon shakes his head, "You have to listen to me to get it."

"You have to give it to me for me to listen," Abby grins and holds out her hand.

Simon grunts and takes off the solid white Georgia Bulldog hoodie. He passes it to Abby, who puts it on immediately. It is much too big for her, but she wraps up in it and leans forward.

"You have my attention."

Simon nods, "So, I’ve never told you this. But I’ve been talking to this guy." He pauses for judgment. Abby knows he’s pausing for judgment. Neither one of them caves to the other. “Okay, so now that I’ve escaped that sentence without a physical or verbal assault, I think I’m in trouble.”

"Why?"

“I have feels.”

“You have a girlfriend.”

“But I have feels.”

“But you have a girlfriend.”

Simon rolls his eyes.

“Si-mon,” he knows he is in trouble when she breaks down his name into syllables, “you don’t get to roll your eyes at me for stating the obvious problem here. I love you more than I’ve ever loved a friend in my life, I mean that, but you can’t get feelings for a guy while you’re still with Leah. You have to break it off.”

“I know,” Simon sighs heavily, “I will. I swear. I just can’t crush her. I just can’t hurt her. I just—“ His voice chokes up. Wow, these emotions are flooding heavy today. “I just thought that how much she loved me could, I don’t know, make it work. I was wrong. I know it. I just have to find the right time.”

Abby can’t stand it. She knows what’s right. But she also can’t stand that down and beaten look on his usually perky face. She reaches her hand across the table and grabs his.

“You can talk to me about him.”

Simon licks his lips. “I lied to him about who I am. He thinks I’m someone else. An amorphous someone else, he just doesn’t know my real name.”

“Why?”

Simon shrugged, "Because I didn't want to risk him finding me."

"By knowing your first name?"

"Facebook is a deadly weapon."

"How many times have you talked to him?"

"6 months worth of time."

Abby inhales deeply to avoid going off on him. "You're stupid," Abby grins and looks back down at her books, "if you’ve talked to him for this long you clearly trust him and there’s no reason to lie.”

"I've been doing this for a lot longer than you," Simon says, "people find ways to find you. Kent found me!"

Abby takes in a sharp breath, "Baby, you talked to Kent for three months before he found you, and that's because you let him. Not every guy online is an asocial crazy person who thinks that all gay guys owe him a courtesy f—"

"Rant much?" Simon interrupts. Abby had been growing a bit loud. They are sitting together at a table in the middle of the Student Learning Center, a four-floor study room/class room/computer lab where most students went to study.

"All I'm saying is that every guy isn't gonna be like Kent," Abby says. She reaches across the table and grabs Simon's hands again, "You need to either lighten up or find a new way to meet guys. This pathological lying isn't healthy."

"Am I a liar though?"

"You lied to a guy you know fairly well about your first name, that counts as a lie." Abby shrugs, "But at least you feel bad about it."

"Yeah, I just wish I had a better way to meet—"

"Hola papi!" exclaims Maria as she sits her laptop down next to Simon.

"—study partners! Meet study partners is what I do, or need to…" Simon tries to smile to cover up his word jumble. Maria just shakes her head.

"Que pasa?" She asks. Her expression quickly turns awkward when she sees that Abby is holding Simon's hands.

Abby jerks her hand away from Simon's and tucks them into the hoodie pockets.

"Mind if I sit here?" asked a medium-height boy standing by Abby.

"Oh," Maria shakes her head, "this is a friend of mine, I'm tutoring him in Spanish."

Abby replies, "Yeah, I was actually just leaving. I have an 8 am in the morning."

Maria's friend sits down and nods, "Good luck with that. I haven't had an 8 am since I was a freshman."

Simon's phone, which had been sitting silent on the table, begins to vibrate. He picks it up and glances at everyone else, "It's Leah." He grabs his book and car keys, "it was nice to meet you." He says to Maria's friend.

"Hey babe," he says into the phone as he begins to walk off.

"Simon," Abby whispers, "your hoodie?"

"Give it to me tomorrow," Simon replies as he rushes away.

"Okay, thanks," she says and then whispers to herself, "for leaving me alone to enjoy the awkward moment." Abby knows Maria and Laura through Simon, and both of them know he is dating Leah. She is not close with Maria by any means, which means Maria could easily jump to conclusions about her and Simon's relationship: especially after seeing them holding hands.

"Speaking of meeting people," Abby said, "I never got your name."

She looks at the boy. He is far beyond cute; the most appropriate word would be gorgeous. He has short dark hair, slight facial stubble, perfect teeth, dark caramel skin, and an athletic body. Abby considers asking for his number.

"I'm Bram," he smiles, "nice to meet you—"

"—Abby," she nods and looks to Maria, "I could use a little help with Spanish too if you have the time. Can I text you?"

"Definitely," Maria nods, "you can join us anytime."

"Thanks!" Abby grabs her things, "Sorry I have to run. Y’all have a good night!"

As soon as Abby walks off Maria leans over the table toward Bram, "So you saw the hand-holding right? Did that seem weird to you? Did they have a spark?"

Bram opened his Spanish book and smiled, "Si, si, y si." Bram shrugged, "Maybe they're dating."

"Oh, no," Maria whips out her cell phone, "he has a girlfriend and that's not her. I have to call Laura."

"What about studying?"

"Gossip is more important," Maria insists, a bit too seriously, "I'll only be a second."

"I doubt it," Bram grins to himself as he begins reading.


	3. Rumour Has It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon's living part of his life with his head in the clouds and doesn't realize that those around him are starting to question things. Simon and Blue continue to grow closer, Abby puts her foot down, and Laura and Maria send Rico on a mission.

 

Simon rubs his temples in a slow, circular motion. His head began to hurt around his second hour of studying for his Developmental Psychology midterm and now that he’s on hour three he can’t bear it anymore. Without his study group, who are either working or downtown, he has no one to entertain him for a brief study break.

He rises from his seat and stretches full length before collapsing on his bed and covering his face with a pillow. He hears his phone vibrate once on his desk and he considers not getting up to get it. After all, it will just be another one of his brothers demanding he make an appearance downtown. The college mob mentality of constant drunken stupor is fun most of the time, but not when you’ve neglected essentially every academic responsibility you have for a few days. Or weeks.

His phone vibrates again.

“FINE.” Simon reaches over and grabs his phone. It’s Blue.

_Blue: I really fucking like you too._

_Blue: Sorry, I just don’t think I said that last night._

Simon rubs the empty space next to him on his bed. His bed is only full sized and it’s not really a bed. It’s three full sized mattresses stacked on top of one another. But he can’t help but think Blue would find it just fine, especially if he were lying next to him.

_Simon: You said it, just not with the cuss word. Really, Blue, we’re civilized people. Please refrain from the use of such language._

_Blue: That’s like eight sentences. You must not be downtown._

_Simon: Nope, studying._

_Blue: For?_

_Simon: An advertising midterm. Basically the worst._

A lie. Blue thinks he’s an advertising major, part of “Nick’s” secret identity. He’s actually a psychology major. Call it his mother’s influence or just Simon’s uncanny need to know everything about someone, but he was hooked after his Intro to Psych class. His dad says every holiday how proud his mom would be of him. But his mom probably wouldn’t be so proud if she knew what Simon was doing these days. Well, at least Simon knows he’s not proud.

_Blue: Okay, I’ll let you study. I don’t want to be a distraction._

_Simon: Noooooooooooooo!_

_Blue: If it helps, I had to spend all weekend last weekend doing a model proposal for a telecomm and marketing merger._

_Simon: It literally doesn’t. But you’re the fancy international business major. I’m sure you can handle it._

_Blue: It’s just so I can make enough money to take you on fancy international trips._

_Simon: Well I’m not saying I need a sugar daddy, but I wouldn’t say no._

_Blue: Haha. Should I insert the Shangela rant here or no?_

_Simon: I wish you would._

He actually does. Word for word. Simon chuckles.

_Blue: I feel like I may have out-gayed myself._

_Simon: Nah. She’s a queen of the people, it should be the first thing people learn in International Business 101. That’s a class, right?_

_Blue: Definitely. My dad was so upset after All Stars 3. He cried real tears during the finale._

How does Simon not know Blue is out to his family?

_Simon: Your parents know!?_

_Blue: Yeah! I told them my junior year of high school. They were super cool with it. I think it’s because my parents are divorced, so they both tried so hard to out-support one another. It got a little weird when my mom started incorporating rainbow accessories into her daily wardrobe. And also referred to them as gay fleek._

_Simon: Can you talk?_

_Blue: Anything for you._

Simon immediately calls Blue. The intrigue of coming out of the closet was too much to text about, so Simon immediately engages Blue in his entire coming out story. It’s a story of support. Of love. All of the things Simon wishes he could have. Logically, Simon knows his dad will support him. So will his sisters. Abby already does. Nick will too. But what about other people? What about Leah? His mother would have too if he had given her the chance.

“Six months and I had no clue you are _that_ out.”

“Does that worry you?” Blue asks, a flare of insecurity in his voice. “I’m sorry, Nick, I could just tell how closeted you are so I didn’t want to flaunt the fact that I’m so out to you.”

“Not at all,” The more they’ve talked the more Simon hates being called Nick, “I guess I’m a little jealous.”

“It’ll happen in time, boo. And I’ll be there every step of the way if you want me to.”

Blue is so fucking patient. He’s so fucking understanding. He’s so fucking kind.

“I _realllllly_ fucking like you.” Simon lets the “l” linger for a bit too long.

“I think I like you more.”

“Impossible.”

“Totally possible, it’s happening right now.”

There’s a moment of silence between the two of them. Blue picks the conversation back up again.

“Do you want to pretend to be tired? I can cuddle you through the phone.”

Simon rubs his chest and grins. He reaches over to his desk lamp and clicks it off. Then he rolls onto his side, pulls his covers up under his arms. He feigns a yawn.

“Yeah, I’m really tired all of a sudden.”

There goes that damn sweet, quiet and cute chuckle that sends chills through Simon’s body. Fuck the midterm, this is what matters.

-X-X-X-X-

Around 3:30 AM a drunken brunette erupts into Simon's room. Leah is noisy, but doesn’t wake Simon or Nick. Nick passed out into an alcohol-induced slumber no more than an hour before and is out cold for the night. It’s not uncommon for Leah to ramble out of her sorority house at the end of a night downtown and end up in Simon's room.

Leah sneaks over to Simon's side of the room in the dark and crawls into his bed beside him. He grunts, but does not wake. She nuzzles up to him and rests her head on his bare chest. She had fallen asleep with Simon many times before they became an official item, back in high school. He’s still thin, but being with Nick pretty much non-stop for two years has gotten Simon more in shape than he’s ever been.

She looks up at him and he is still asleep, he’s always been a heavy sleeper. She doesn’t fall asleep instantly, instead she fiddles with the cross necklace hanging from his neck.

Looking at it brings back memories. Gray memories. His mother, Emily, wasn’t really religious but her mother was and that’s the reason she wore it for most of her life. It was a gift when she turned 16.

“Emily,” her mother would say, “I can’t always be with you now that you can drive yourself. But wear this and the Lord will always be. And don’t forget, never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.”

Emily’s mother, Simon’s grandmother, got sick a couple of years after Nora was born. She didn’t live for very long after that.

It was their senior year of high school when his mother got sick. Very sick. The doctors weren’t sure what was happening for most of the time. Simon had to take care of Nora and his father, Jack, through the months that it took to care for Emily. Alice tried to take a semester off to be there to support her family, but Emily refused to let her.

Jack and Simon would take turns staying at the hospital. One night, when Jack was home with Nora, Emily put the necklace in Simon’s hand.

“I didn’t want to take it because that meant she was ready to die,” Simon told Leah. She can still hear the words echoing in her mind. She can smell the pancake batter, butter, and fried potatoes sitting in front of her on the Waffle House table at the corner of Milledge and Morton. They hadn’t talked in almost a year, essentially through their freshman year of college, and Simon was finally opening back up to her. “But she insisted. She told me to keep it to remind me that she’d always be with me, even if she wasn’t. She wouldn’t let me say goodbye, either. I wish she knew that it’s so much harder to say goodbye to someone once they’re already gone.”

Secretly, Leah hopes Simon will one day give the cross to her, which would be a sign of dedication and trust. Even more secretly, Leah doubts that she will ever get to wear it.

-X-X-X-X-

Abby ties her dark hair back into a ponytail. She and Simon are eating lunch at the campus student center. Simon has been ranting on through their previous two classes about Blue. He revealed every detail about their two-hour conversation and then revealed the same details again.

"Simon," Abby eyes him, "baby, darlin'. You've got to chill, I've heard this twice already today."

Simon scoffs, "But isn't it weird. I’m sorry I’ve never had someone to verbally process these feelings with."

“I still don’t support this.”

“But you’ll help me process.”

“Consider me your computer.” Abby adjusts her posture, “Cold, calculated, but a dumping ground for your thoughts.”

"It’s just so weird," Simon continues, "we’ve never seen each other, but I feel that this is deep. And the past week I’ve really felt it getting deeper. Blue is just so different from other gay guys. It's usually, 'Hey, what do you look like, wanna hook up, how big is your cock, where do you want me to cum?'"

"Ew," Abby gags as she takes a sip of her diet coke, “Let’s dramatically adjust course, is Blue his real name?”

Simon thinks for a second, “I haven’t given him my real name, so to save his secret identity I’m not going to tell you his.”

Abby throws a chicken nugget at him, “Boo!”

Simon points his fork to the clock hanging on the wall. Abby checks her watch and nods. The two rise from their seats, grab their bags and trash and begin to leave the student center cafeteria. He playfully elbows her in the side and she hip checks him for good measure. Then she notices, a bit too acutely, that Laura and Maria are sitting at a table behind the trash receptacles.

Laura and Maria smile as Simon and Abby walk out, waving hello and goodbye in the same motion. They then lean in close to one another.

"I can't believe he'd cheat on Leah," Laura whispers.

"I can't either, it doesn't make sense," Maria whispers back, "but I can see it happening if it's with Abby."

"Why are we whispering?" Laura says loudly as she leans back in her chair.

"Because this is serious," Maria insists, "I mean, if anyone was cheating on me I'd want their friends to let me know."

"We don't know anything for sure," Laura reminds Maria, "and those two are best friends, maybe it was a friend hand-holding thing last night and a friend nudge-nudge thing today."

Maria scoffs, "Do you hold hands with Rico?”

Laura snaps her fingers, "I wish."

Maria eyes Laura.

"I mean," Laura stutters, "no…"

Maria smiles, "You've got it for Rico? He's gay, Laura!"

"We need to figure out if Simon is cheating on Leah." Laura changes the conversation.

Maria smiles. She knows that Laura is trying to change topics. "Yeah, but how?"

"Leave it to me," Laura winks.

-X-X-X-X-

Rico leans on La Ciudad Clásica's bar. He is chatting up a bleach-blonde mother who was telling him her life story. After about two hours of drinking, talking (and eventually slurring), one of her friends picks her up. The woman leaves Rico her cell phone number.

"You man-ho," Laura grins as she takes a seat at the bar.

"Mamacita," Rico says as he picks up a couple of empty glasses off the bar, "you look different in normal-people clothes."

Laura is not working tonight, neither is Maria.

"I was just stopping by pick up my paycheck and I figured I'd say hey," Laura states, giving Simon a wave as he rushes into the kitchen. It is a busy night.

Rico nods and steps away to serve a guy at the bar. Watching Rico work the bar is like watching a dance in delicate motion. He has every ounce of every ingredient memorized and is so particular that he refuses to make a drink without his jigger. Great cocktails need to be precise, Rico always says. He strains the margarita the man ordered into a classic margarita glass after shaking it. Nothing bothers Rico more than a margarita served in a hurricane, highball, or pint glass.

Once he’s finished, he makes his way back to Laura with a pink drink in his hand. He sits it in front of her.

“Rico," Laura smiles, "thank you."

"It's virgin," he states, "unlike you."

"Screw you," Laura sighs as she takes a sip, "anyway, I need you to do me a favor."

"I knew it," Rico leans on the bar in front of Laura, "que pasa?"

"You've been working here for like a while, right?"

"Si."

"And you know everyone pretty well, right?"

"Most everyone, yeah."

Laura nods, "What do you know about Simon?"

Rico glances out at the dining room to Simon, who is chatting with a table of customers, "Not enough." Rico's expression is a bit obvious, but Laura doesn’t catch the different tone.

"Not enough for what?'

Rico snaps out of his gaze at Simon and back to Laura, "Not enough for what you want."

"You know what I want?"

"No, but I'm assuming its some kind of info. I thought you two were friends."

"We are," Laura says, "but this is guy information. Stuff you guys talk about when we girls aren't around."

"What?'

"Well, me and Maria think Simon may be cheating on his girlfriend."

"What!?" Rico leans closer to Laura.

"Yeah, I know."

"He has a girlfriend!?" Rico sighs.

Laura eyes Rico, "Yeah, one that he may be cheating on."

This one is especially oblivious. Rico just nods, "I don't think Simon’s the cheating type."

"Well, I want you to find out."

"No, no, mamacita, Rico doesn't snoop."

Laura grunts, "But Rico does talk about himself in third-person? Rico, please! It'll sound wrong coming from us!" Laura leans up and makes the best pitiful expression she can.

"Ok, ok," Rico shakes his head, "I'll talk to him, no promises though."

Laura nods, "Thanks babe!" She rises from her seat and gives him a kiss on the cheek.

"What's my reward?" Rico asks, "If I find out?"

Laura grins, "I guess we'll find out." She then turns and saunters out of the door, swinging her hips as if they were a calling card for Rico.

Yeah, she’s especially oblivious.

Rico laughs to himself and looks at Simon as he rushes back into the kitchen, "All the good ones are straight." He shakes his head and moves on to the next customer.

-X-X-X-X-

Rico did as he was asked. By the end of the night, he had gotten an invite to go to Simon' house and play drinking games with him and his brothers. Rico did not refuse.

Around midnight Rico arrives at the Omega Beta Theta house to hear loud music and shouting. When he steps inside he sees nothing but college-aged co-eds mixing all around the house. There are a couple of games of beer pong going on, a game of flip-cup, and a couple more card games. Rico spots Simon at the flip-cup table attempting to flip a cup over.

"Sup chico?" Rico asks once the game is over, “I almost didn’t find you in this sea of khaki shorts, polos, and Sperrys!”

Simon turns, "Ricoooo!" he puts his arm around him and pulls him up to the table. It turns out that the game is girls versus guys and the girls are winning. Simon adds Rico in the game and Leah, who is across the table from Simon, pulls Anna up to even out the numbers.

After a few more rounds, with smack talk going on between the teams, the girls win 10 to 7.

Simon, Rico, Leah, and Anna move on to play a game of beer pong. All of them are tipsy, but Rico is by far the most sober.

"So," Rico edges in while they are setting up their cups, "that's your girlfriend?"

Simon looks across the table at Leah, "That's her."

"You make a good couple," Rico adds. He doesn’t know how to bring up Abby. He isn’t even sure if Simon will bring her up tonight.

"SIMON!" shouts a girl's voice.

"ABBY!" Simon exclaims as his best friend runs up and hugs him.

From across the table, Leah notices and begins talking hurriedly to Anna.

"I juss-lost Asshole!" Abby slurred to Simon.

“Abby,” Simon puts his forehead on hers and stares her down, “we win Asshole. We never-“ he burps “-lose.”

“Rules,” Abby opines, “too many. I needs couch. Yours?”

Simon nods and Abby scurries off, passing Leah and Anna on her way out. She stops and speaks to them; the drunken Abby is much more friendly and oblivious than the sober one.

"Wow," Rico says, thinking that the whole process was going to be much harder, "she's hot. Who is she?"

Simon begins to fill their cups, "That's Abby. She's our frat's Sweetheart."

"Sweetheart?"

"Like our frat’s girl best friend,'" Simon answers, "we vote on all of the girls that hang out with us a lot and make one our Sweetheart. She's like a sister."

Rico nods, "Who's she with?"

Simon shrugs, "No one, I don't guess. She's single. She's like my best friend, I'd know if she was dating someone." Simon’s eyes trail to the side, “Speaking of which—WALL DO NOT GO UP THOSE STAIRS!”

Wall stops in the large archway between the common room and the stairwell, “WHY!?’

Leah turns around, “Martin, no matter how drunk she is she is NEVER going to go for you. Move on.”

Simon chuckles and turns to Rico, “That’s my girlfriend.” He points. “Funny, and in a kind of bitchy way.”

Rico nods. Simon hollers across the table to Leah and Anna and the game begins. It is mostly trash talk between the two teams and Rico doesn’t get much else out of Simon through the game. After the game Leah and some of the girls steal Rico. Simon wanders off with some of his brothers.

Around 4:00am the fraternity house is nearly empty, save for few brothers and party guests sleeping on the floor, on the pool table, and on the couches. Simon went up to bed, stripped off his clothes, changed into his sweat pants and nearly fell asleep, until he realized that Nick was nowhere to be found.

He hobbles downstairs to try to find him and finds Rico staring at his phone underneath the large Greek letters hanging in the foyer.

“Simon,” Rico smiles, clearly a little drunk, “great party.”

Simon smiles, revealing every one of his teeth, “I’m glad you enjoyed it. We should do this more often.”

Rico nods, “I’m just waiting on my Lyft.” He stares out of the front door for moment then steps closer to Simon. He puts his hand on Simon’s chest. “I feel like I know you Simon.”

In any normal situation like this Simon would pull back, but when it comes to his fight, flight, or freeze response in this situation he definitely chooses to freeze. Why is Rico touching him, especially with no shirt on? Is everyone asleep in the house? What will they think? But is Rico even gay? Is this something guys do to one another in late night confabs?

“If you need anything, you tell me, ok?” Rico pulls Simon into a hug.

“Uh, sure?” Simon’s arms stay firmly by his side.

Rico pulls back and smiles, “My Lyft is here.” With that, he leaves a slightly dumbfounded Simon standing in the house with a bulge showing much too clearly in his sweats, his eyes darting around to see if anyone was conscious enough to see that.

-X-X-X-X-

Simon's alarm clock goes off around 11:00 AM Saturday morning. It does not wake him up, but Nick and Abby's shout for him to shut it off does. Simon reaches up and clicks the alarm off, then lies back down. Leah groans and snuggles back up to him before opening her eyes.

"It's Gameday baby!" she quietly exclaims.

Simon smiles and stretches, "I know and I'm not hungover. This is amazing!"

Leah chuckles, "I had fun last night. Your friend was nice."

"Rico?" Simon asks, "Yeah, I invited him over after work. He's our bartender."

"Sarah thought he was really cute," Leah continues, "but he's gay."

"He's gay?" Simon asks, "Seriously?"

 _I invited a gay guy to this house?_ Simon thinks to himself. _What will the brothers say?_

"Well, he didn't say he was," Leah yawns, "but I can tell. I have really good gaydar."

Abby busts out laughing, obviously still drunk, and falls off of the couch.

Simon sits up, halfway freaking out and halfway checking on her, "Abby, you ok?" He secretly hopes she’s knocked herself back out.

Abby grunts, "Yep, y'all need new walls. These won't stop spinning."

Simon rolls his eyes and sinks back into the bed.

"What was so funny?" Leah asks.

"Nothing," Abby responds, "Nick did something."

As if on an awkward cue, Nick begins to snore.

"Oh," Leah shakes her head, "okay." Leah puts her arm around Simon's waist and whispers in his ear, "And you say Anna needs to learn about moderation?"

Simon nods, "Ironic, huh?"


	4. Confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If he's got to tell it, then he's going to tell it all. Simon confesses to Abby, Simon bails on plans with Leah, and Nick has a choice to make.

"You could have been more subtle."

"How?'

"I don't know, maybe by not laughing and falling off of the couch. Just a suggestion."

"I couldn't help it."

"You weren't that drunk."

"THE GIRL WITH A GAY BOYFRIEND SAID SHE’S GOT A GOOD GAYDAR!"

Simon and Abby erupt in laughter as they wait in the Zaxby's drive-thru. Simon, Abby, Leah, and Nick managed to get out of bed around 1 PM, which is a sin in southern university football culture. They missed the tailgates and barely made it to the game before kickoff. In the end it all worked out, UGA beat LSU by two touchdowns and a field goal.

After the game, Leah went back to her sorority house with her sisters to get ready to go out for the night. Abby decided she would pass on the after-game festivities, so Simon volunteered to take her home in his Subaru (mostly to keep Martin from offering.)

"This is horrible," Abby sighs, "I'm laughing at her. This shouldn't be funny."

Simon shrugs, "It’s definitely not. But it kind of is. It’s dark humor, the kind you’re ashamed of but makes you feel better."

Abby shakes her head, "It's not. This would only be funny if I hated her and I don't."

"You don't?" Simon’s expression shows visible shock.

"Well, a little, and only because she hated me first."

"That's mature," Simon pulls up to the drive-thru window and hands the cashier his debit card. Of course, he understands their dynamic and why their friendship was never actually going to be possible, but stoking Abby’s flames is one of Simon’s favorite pastimes.

"And using your high school best friend as a beard is?"

Oof, Simon definitely fed the fire.

"Well, you know I can't grow facial hair."

Abby punches his arm, "Seriously, Simon!"

Fire is currently raging.

"OW! She's not a beard," Simon insists, pushing his incessant need to joke aside, "it didn't start like that. It just happened."

The cashier hands Simon their food and drinks. He passes them to Abby, but grabs his coke from her. He takes a sip as he pulls out onto the road. There’s a noticeable silence between the two that is everything except for tranquil, so Simon makes sure to sip a bit louder.

Abby looks puzzled for a moment, then blurts out: "Have y'all had sex?"

Simon spits out the coke that was in his mouth.

"Touchy subject?" Abby’s glaring at him now.

"Uh-Wh-What?" Simon is partially choking on the soda that he was in the middle of swallowing, "Since when do you ask me about my sex life?"

"Since when are you scared to talk about it?"

Simon and Abby stare at one another for a moment, until Abby says "Brake lights" and Simon remembers that he is driving. He has to press hard on the brake pedal. Simon splinters the stare and fixates on the road. He tries to abstain from engaging in this conversation, until Abby loudly clears her throat to make it clear that won’t be allowed.

"Yes."

Abby slaps Simon on the shoulder.

"Ow, woman!"

"You had sex with her!? Simon!” Abby is actually yelling, "I’m so mad at you! No wonder she's sprung over you! When's the last time you two had a poke session?"

"Poke session?"

"Answer the question!"

Simon braces for another slap, "Wednesday."

Abby slaps him again, but harder, and more than once. His arm is actually starting to sting.

"SIMON!" she exclaims, "Sex is emotional for a girl!"

"And it's not for me?" Simon defends himself the best he can, "I never said I didn't care for the girl!"

"Do you care for me?"

Simon gives Abby a confused glance, "Yes, of course."

"Do you wanna do it with me?"

"NO!"

"Then why with her!"

"She made me!"

"She made you?"

"It's complicated!"

Abby leans back in her chair and eats one of her French fries. The air in the car is thick with tension, so much so that Simon can’t bear another moment of silence.

"Don't give me that, I answered your question." Simon keeps his eyes on the road.

"But you haven't explained anything. Simon, this is wrong."

"I told you—"

"—she made you." Abby interrupts, "Not good enough."

Simon sighs, "Abby, you wouldn't understand. I'm afraid. I’m afraid all the time. The first time we had sex I was fighting it as much as possible. When I realized that we were going to I was scared to turn her down. I'm scared a lot, it's why I do a lot of the stupid things I do. It’s why I’m lying about who I am to Blue, it’s why I’m having a hard time figuring out how to break up with Leah, it’s why I pretend to be a straight bro in the biggest frat on campus. I can’t explain why, but I’m terrified.”

Abby keeps her eyes fixated on the road; she’s still too mad to look at him. “Simon, you don’t have to be scared. You have friends and you have a family that loves you.”

“But this is my entire life. It will change. It’s not fucking fair. This isn’t the same world from when we were in high school. We’ve got a racist, homophobic, misogynist, psychopath for a President and go to school in a really conservative area. People here aren’t like the people in Atlanta. And, Leah--I can’t lose her. I love her. I just don’t love her like this.”

Abby nods. She’s heard the story of their reunion. Quite frankly, it was a catastrophe of circumstance and Simon rode the wave straight into a relationship with Leah. Abby truly believes he didn’t realize what was happening until it happened. He and Leah didn’t talk for most of their senior year of high school and none of their freshman year at UGA. But, then Cal happened and Leah was in the right place at the right time. Or was she in the wrong place at the right time?

"You know you're the only person  _in the world_  who knows about me?" Simon says, "I mean, you're really the only person I trust with it. My friends back home, the girls I used to hang out with all the time, none of them know or even have a clue."

"I love you," Abby interjects, "you know that. It's why I keep hinting that you should—"

"—hinting?" Simon looks at Abby and smiles.

"Okay--throwing it in your face that you should do something about Leah." Abby smiles back and takes his hand, "But remember that I love you and that's why I do it. You're the Will to my Grace. But that doesn’t mean any of this is okay."

“I know.”

Abby reaches over and grabs Simon’s hand. The air isn’t quite so tense and the silence is much more bearable.

Abby grabs Simon’s phone and clicks the screen a few times. A grin spreads mischievously across her face. Simon is fairly confused until the music starts and she starts to sing.

“I had a dream, or was it real? We crossed the line and it was on! We crossed the line it was on this time.” She’s turned her body towards Simon doing shoulder shimmies to the bass in the song. Simon is stone faced.

“I’ve been denying how I feel, you’ve been denying what you want…you want from me, talk to me baby!” She’s moved on to using a fry as a microphone as she flips her hair to the side. She uses her other hand to feed Simon a fry. Simon grins.

“I want some satisfaction, take me to the stars, just say…”

“OHHHHHHH,” Simon joins in time for the chorus and by the grace of every gay god in the sky above they hit a red light in time to dance through most of Cut To The Feeling uninterrupted by the need to be a responsible driver.

-X-X-X-X-

Simon stands in his candy-cane boxer briefs in front of his closet doors. He is fishing through his massive collection of clothes for something to wear downtown. A voice from across the room interrupts his search.

"Nice candy-canes," Nick says, "it's not Christmas yet idiot; it's barely Thanksgiving."

Simon turns around. Nick has just gotten out of the shower.

"Like turkeys are any better?" Simon points to Nick's gobble worthy underwear.

"Hey, the ladies dig them." Nick insists as slides his legs into his pants.

Simon grabs dark jeans and a darker Henley and throws them on his bed, "What ladies? You always come home with none."

Nick smacks his lips, "I can't wait until I get home, I take care of business downtown." He laughs.

Simon scoffs, "By puking on them and running away?"

"That's my game."

They laugh. They’ve been friends since before they could write their first names legibly. Nick knows almost everything about Simon. He’s the reason Simon joined Omega Beta Theta in the first place and living in the same room with him makes all the frat-tastic mess worth it.

Simon puts on his Henley and grabs his jeans, but his phone rings before he can put them on. It was Blue.

“Hey, you.” Simon whispers into the phone. He’s talked to Blue in front of Nick before and Nick is fairly oblivious to anything that doesn’t involve veterinary medicine, guitars, or soccer. Still, Simon keeps his tone level and refrains from any verbal indication he’s talking a dude.

“Hi, what are you doing?” Blue responds.

“Just getting ready to go out.”

“Celebrating the win?”

“Yeah, you?”

“I was thinking about staying in, but I’ll be so bored.”

“What did you have in mind?”

Blue gives an exaggerated hmm before saying, “Talking to my man-crush until I fall asleep?”

Simon is beaming from ear to ear.

"Nice candy-canes," Leah nips Simon’s earlobe from behind as she pops the elastic band of Simon's underwear.

Simon jumps in surprise. Sometimes, Leah creeps into his room a little too well. He immediately hangs up the phone and tosses it onto his bed.

-X-X-X-X-

Bram sighs heavily when the phone cuts out.

"Oh well.”

He rises from the chair at his desk. He walks out of his room and to his sister's door. He opens it and the room is dark. He flips on the light and looks towards the curled-up lump in his sister's bed.

He walks up to the bed and sits next to the lump, "Imani, wake up. Let's go out!"

Imani throws the covers off of the top of her head. She twists her face in denial.

"Light, no, sleep!" She throws the covers back over her head.

Bram sighs, "Okay, whatever."

"Mmhmm, love ya, bed, bye." She mumbles as Bram walks out. He leaves the lights on as a lingering reminder of his defiance.

-X-X-X-X-

"Why aren't you dressed?" Leah asks, "Not that I'm complaining." She playfully grabs Simon's butt.

"I'm sick," Simon replies, faking a cough, "I was just looking up my symptoms on WebMD, I've either got throat cancer or a cold."

"Aww, baby," Leah hugs him; "just since the game? You're not coming out?"

Simon sighs dramatically and acts upset about it, "No, I'm really sorry. I was looking forward to going out with you and all of your friends. But y'all can have fun without me. Have a girls' night!"

Leah pouts, "I guess. I can stay here with you, though."

"No, no," Simon insists as he sits on his bed, "you should go downtown. I'd never forgive myself if I gave you throat cancer!"

Leah laughs, "Okay, you're right. Call me if you need anything."

Simon looks up at her and nods. Leah leans down and kisses his cheek. He smiles and Leah leaves, passing Nick on her way out of the room.

Nick glances over at Simon. He had been in the bathroom primping while Leah was in the room, "Dude, you're not going out?"

Simon shakes his head as he grabs his phone and leans back on his bed, "Nope, not in the mood."

Nick sighs, "That's sad, because your candy-canes definitely are."

Simon laughs as Nick leaves the room and dials Blue’s number.

-X-X-X-X-

"I know," Bram says, "but I'm lonely and don't feel like going downtown. By the time I get ready and dressed and all it'll be 12."

"You mean it takes a long time for you to not shave, put on a t-shirt, and a dark jacket?" Maria jabs through the phone, "I love you, Bram, but I'm cramping too bad to move."

"Ugh!" Bram groans, "Hope you get to feeling better. Don't OD on Midol."

The girl chuckles as they hang up the phone. Bram yawns widely and begins to get back in the bed, until his phone rings and he sees it’s Nick. He answers immediately.

-X-X-X-X-

"You are such an alcoholic." Leah shakes her head as she, Nick, and some of his brothers and her sisters walk up Broad Street from downtown. They are heading back to their houses for the night.

"I'm not," Nick insists, "I'm a drunk. There's a difference!"

"What?' asks one of Leah's sisters.

Brian, one of Simon and Nick's housemates responds: "Alcoholics go to meetings, drunks just get smashed!" He hollers. Nick does so back and they high-five.

Leah shakes her head.

They made it to Milledge Avenue, fraternity and sorority row, and made their way down the street towards the houses.

"Hey," Leah pokes Nick as they neared the Omega Beta Theta house, "I'm gonna go on home, I need to stretch out in my own bed tonight. Can you check on Simon for me?"

"Sure thing," Nick replies as he and his brothers break off from the group and walk up to their house.

Within a couple of minutes Nick is upstairs. The lights are off and Simon has fallen asleep sitting on his bed, leaning up against the wall. His laptop is open on his lap. He had talked to Blue until Blue passed out, leaving him up alone. It wasn’t enough just to talk to Blue, so Simon pulled up his old fake e-mail account to re-read he and Blue’s initial e-mails.

"That crazy bastard studies too much." Nick shakes his head and grabs the laptop from Simon's lap.

He sits the laptop on the desk and accidentally grazes the trackpad. The computer springs to life and leaves Simon’s e-mails in full view. Nick pays no mind and moves to shut it, but his eye latches on to a subject header: “I’m not gay, I’m Blue-sexual.”

He knows he shouldn’t go any further, but curiosity and decreased inhibitions lead him to open the e-mail.

Soon after, Nick's head starts spinning and not thanks to the alcohol. This fact sobers him up pretty quickly.

"He's gay," he mutters to himself as he stares at Simon.

Nick sits in Simon's desk chair and puts his face in his hands. He has to think. He has known Simon for over 15 years and the thought had never crossed his mind. Had Simon been watching him in  _that gay way_? What had been going in Simon' mind every time he and Nick worked out together? What about Leah, is she just a cover? Thoughts began racing through Nick's head so fast that he did not register them all.

He stands up from the chair and fights the urge to rush out of the room hollering through the house. Nick takes a few deep breaths and contains himself. He then looks at Simon, still sitting on his bed and leaning against the wall. His chin is resting on his chest. The boy is dead to the world.

Nick shakes his head and walks up to Simon's bed. He moves him to lie down, Simon cooperates with the way Nick moves him. Nick covers Simon up and Simon starts snuggling with himself under the covers. Nick snickers slightly. Simon sleeps like a rock, always has. He slept through more than one fire-alarm their freshman year in the dorms.

He makes his way to his side of the room and sits on his bed. His phone vibrates in his pocket. Nick pulls it out and checks it. Leah is calling.

"Hello?" He answers.

"Nick, how's Simon?" Leah asks.

Nick pauses. "He's good. He's passed out. Completely dead to the world."

"Okay, y'all have a good night. I'll see you boys tomorrow."

"Later." Nick shuts his phone and looks back over to Simon's bed. “Goodnight, buddy.”


	5. All the Small Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All the small things are what makes you who you are, or at least that's what Abby thinks. She makes that very clear. Nick makes his choice. Rico reports back to Laura and Maria.

Simon exhales heavily as he pushes the weighted barbell up from his chest and back to its place on the bench press rack. He takes a second to catch his breath, utterly exhausted from his last set of bench press repetitions. He sits up and Nick throws him his towel. Simon wipes his forehead and takes in a final deep breath.

"Damn," Simon shakes his head, "I'm glad that's over." He props his hand up on his knee and squints up at Nick, “Really glad.”

Nick laughs, "You gonna take up the bench all day or can I finish up too?"

Simon nods and rises from the bench. Nick takes his place and finishes up his last set with Simon spotting him, after adding on two 45s to up the weight.

“Aren’t soccer players supposed to be svelte? How are you going to run away from the ball if your chest isn’t aerodynamic?”

Nick chuckles and his elbows almost give. He racks the barbell and sits up, “You could have killed me. And I don’t run away from the ball!”

The two stand and make their way past the benches and towards the exit.

"I'm surprised you felt like coming to the gym after last night,” Simon says, “I thought I’d have an excuse not to pick heavy things up and put them down for a day.”

"I didn't get too drunk," Nick replies as they move past the rowing machines overlooking the pool and head towards the locker room, "me and some of the guys walked back so I was sober-ish by the time we got to the house."

"I fell asleep early.” In the locker room they slide their keys into the quarter locks and start to get ready to shower.

"You were passed out with your computer when I got to the room," Nick takes off his shirt and wipes down sweat from his bare torso. Nick is developing a barrel chest and has thighs that could crush a tiny human if he had the will to kill. He swears he’s still as fast as he used to be, but Simon won’t get to see until his intramural league starts in the spring. Simon sometimes wishes he could bulk out a bit more like Nick can, but Leah says she likes him as he is. She says she doesn’t want to date someone who looks like a condom stuffed with peanuts.

“I grabbed it an put it on your desk for you,” Nick reaches over and pinches Simon’s cheek as Simon’s tying a towel around his waist, “Then I tucked you in.” He says the last line in a baby voice.

A tinge of fear runs down Simon's spine. He couldn’t remember if he had fallen asleep with the computer on or if it had shut down. "Oh. Well, I was, uh, studying. Was there anything open when you got it?" Simon says it as awkwardly as he expected he would and stares straight ahead while they walk to the shower, instead of quizzically looking to read Nick’s expression.

Nick shakes his head, "It was shut down when I got it. I guess you kept it on too long." A lie. He knows why Simon is asking, but it’s not his place to force him to tell him the truth.

Simon’s body relaxes, "Oh, I'll check when we get to the house. I had some work up and I can’t remember if I saved it."

Nick nods as they approach the shower stalls, "By the way, we need to start checking out apartments for next year. Garrett and Wall are leaving the hunt up to us."

Simon tosses his towel over the door of the stall and turns the water as hot as it will go without boiling him alive, “Of course they are. It’s also November, I think we have time.”

The slap of water cascading to the floor is the only sound for a couple of minutes.

“Simon?” Nick calls over the stall walls.

“Yeah?”

“You’re my favorite.”

“You’re my favorite too, duh. But let’s talk about this when we’re not naked.”

-X-X-X-X-

"Nothing!?"

Laura and Maria look at Rico in suspended disbelief.

"Nothing?" Laura pokes Rico in the chest.

"Lo siento," Rico shrugs, "I tried, but he didn't really say anything."

The trio are meeting in the kitchen near the back door. They are out of sight of everyone, including Simon who is on shift today.

"I feel bad poking around behind his back," Maria says, "I just don't want to accuse him of cheating. Part of me knows he’s better than that."

Rico exposes his palms, “Well,” he claps them together for emphasis, “if you want my opinion, maybe you shouldn’t go behind his back.”

"Screw this," Laura shakes her head and backs away, "I'll get to the bottom of it. I'm talking to him, one-on-one. We're working together Tuesday, before we all get out for Thanksgiving break, so we'll know by then."

Rico claps his hands again, this time leaning forward to add more accentuation, “If it’s one-on-one then why report back? Is this really any of our business?”

Laura and Maria both send daggers in his direction courtesy of their eyes.

“I just want to know,” Laura admits, “I want to know if my good friend is a liar or a cheater.”

“But shouldn’t we assume he isn’t?”

Maria arches her eyebrows, “Rico, you love drama, of all people to try to talk this one down,” she points to Laura, “I wouldn’t expect it to be you.”

 _Because I’m 90% certain Simon’s gay and he shouldn’t be outed._ Is what Rico wanted to say, but instead he settled on, “I think he’s just friends with Abby and I think him and Leah are solid. I just think you’re wasting your time _and_ risking your friendship.”

The two stare at him, mouths hanging open.

Rico licks his lip, “And I don’t like all of this attention on him. I’m the star of this culturally appropriated Tex-Mex knockoff.”

“I’m still going to do it.”

-X-X-X-X-

"Oh my God I just want to cry all freaking night!" Simon exclaims as he dramatically lays his head on Abby’s shoulder.

The duo have been in the student learning center studying for their exam for over four hours. They met at 11 PM and decided to pull an all-nighter since they both wasted the weekend. It is 3 AM Monday morning; their test is at 8 AM.

"It's not fair," Abby sighs. She wraps her arm around Simon and he nuzzles himself against her. She starts to twist strands of his hair between her fingers, "We're juniors and still have 8 AM classes."

Simon abruptly rises up, "I was more concerned about this test, not the time. I wasted all weekend. ALL WEEKEND!"

"Shh!" Abby chuckles, "any louder and you'll get us kicked out. "

Simon slumps in his seat, "I should have studied last night." They resume their previous position.

"But you just _had_ to go downtown," Abby shakes her head, "it's called prioritizing."

"I didn't go downtown.”

"Then why are you complaining? At least you got a full night's sleep."

"Nope," Simon says. Abby can feel a smirk spreading across his face even though she can only see the top of his head, "I talked to Blue all night…literally, for like three hours."

Abby can’t help but smile too, "Aww, my boo's got a crush."

Simon pulls back, "What if it’s more than that?”

“Are we really going to down that rabbit hole tonight?”

“I don’t know why a rabbit hole is such a bad place to be.”

“Because it’s a tight, constricted space. Kind of like your love life. With three people in it. One of which has to leave.”

Simon cocks his head to the side, “Wow, that was a well played metaphor.”

Abby taps his nose, “Thank you.”

“I’ve also been texting him all night.”

“Oooo, show me!”

He does. He scrolls quickly through some parts of the conversation that Abby believes is too intimate for her eyes to see, but there is a sweet tone that proves they are more than just friends and this is definitely more than just a crush. It is abundantly clear that they are in _deep_ with one another, from the words in Simon’s phone to the way he bites his lower lip to hide his love drunk smile through sections of the conversation.

But one thing pushes it’s way past all of that.

"You need to quit lying!" Abby quietly exclaims.

Simon eyes her, "What?"

"You know what I'm talking about!" she says, "He thinks you're a completely different person than you are."

Simon squares up in his chair. He knows where this is going. Another argument with Abby about something that is none of her business.

"I'm only lying about the little facts," Simon protests, "I'm not lying about who I am as a person. I just don't want to risk him finding me. Not yet. I'm not ready."

"The little facts?" Abby sighs, "Simon, you’re an amazing human, but all the small things combine together to make you who you are. You could be one of those creepy old pervs who cruise the gay sites to be sugar daddies. If that is on the other end you’d be pretty pissed, no matter how deep the connection is."

"I wouldn't mind having a sugar daddy," Simon grins, "I’ve got student loans to pay back."

Abby’s facial expression could bring down the entire student center.

"Yes," Simon’s expression twists in annoyance matching the fire coming from Abby’s, "the little facts. I'm the same person he’s gotten to know—my name, my major, my fraternity, where I'm from—none of that really matters."

"Yes it does. You two are flirting hardcore and he's gonna be pissed when he finds out that all of the specifics you said are lies. It's a trust thing."

Simon begins to speak, but Abby cuts him off.

"And don't tell me it's a gay thing." Abby leans forward a bit more so she can whisper and gently takes Simon’s hand in hers. She knows the conversation is escalating and wants to avoid stoking the fire burning between them. "Sexuality doesn't change anything about the truth and why it matters. I guarantee you, if you don't stop lying you're gonna screw yourself over before you get a decent chance with him. All I want is for all of this work out for you because you deserve a happy ending babe, but I’m scared you’re self-sabotaging."

Simon’s mind is racing. Where does she get this nerve to judge him? It’s like she enjoys the angsty porn that comes from pointing out everything he’s doing wrong. He knows this is wrong, but he also knows he doesn’t have another choice. What the fuck does she want from him?

That’s it. Simon yanks his hand away from Abby and stands up. The small study room they camped in for the night has a wall of windows to the computer lab and tables outside. Anyone looking can tell this is going south, luckily for them they are two people out of twenty in the entire building.

"A few days ago you were yelling at me for flirting with him while I'm still with Leah, and now I'm not building a relationship with him the right way? Make up your fucking mind!"

“I'm just trying to help you out!" Abby slams her book closed, "I'm sorry if I care for you enough to call you on your bullshit."

Simon turns from Abby and stares out the window, "Fine, if my bullshit is too much for you then feel free to disengage.”

Abby purses her lips, "Whatever, Simon. If you want to push me away, so be it.” She grabs her laptop, books, and bag and walks out of the room and settles on a table down the hall out of view of their room.

Simon keeps his nose in his book and notes for the rest of the morning. Who does Abby think she is? She thinks she knows so much about his lived experience, but she has no idea how hard it is. How hard it is to be consciously hurting the people you love without them knowing it? To be consciously blocking out those closest to you because the consequence of your true identity could change your world forever? It’s just not right. It just feels like society is set up to make him, and others like him, feel less than. To be unhappy.

But he knows Abby actually does know everything about that. Being a black woman in this country, especially in the Deep South, leads to more societal oppression than Simon will ever know. But he can hide his layer of oppression behind a straight, white, male face. He can lie to avoid it. Does that make his situation different…easier…harder? He immediately wants to go talk to Abby. To diffuse the situation. To end this insane fight. The first real fight he thinks they’ve ever had.

But he doesn’t. The two friends didn’t see each other again before class. Leah walks into the lecture hall to find them on opposite sides of the auditorium, instead of in their seats together playing hangman. She wants to know what happened, but doesn’t want to step in the line of fire.

Their usual table at the food court in the student center is empty today. Indeed, they actively avoid their daily routine so their paths will not cross.

No words are spoken between them before Thanksgiving break begins.

-X-X-X-X-

Tuesday night rolls around much faster than Laura imagined. Even though she rarely has a sensor on her thoughts, she is a bit worried about the conversation she is going to have with Simon tonight. By the time their shift is over Laura has almost lost her nerve. But, with a little push from Maria and a little judgment from Rico she manages to tell Simon that they need to talk. When the restaurant closes, Simon and Laura load up in his Subaru.

"So," Laura says as she presses her thumbs together, "talk. Yeah. Simon, I have a question to ask you."

Simon looks over at her. She appears to be nervous, which is really unusual for her. The thought crosses his mind that she may ask him if he is gay. It’s a fleeting thought, but it is there. He’s actually considered coming out to her several times before, but never quite worked up the nerve. With everything going on with Abby he’s not sure he can handle that level of vulnerability anyway.

"Are you having sex with Abby?"

Simon lets out all of the air in his lungs. Then he smiles. Then he bursts out into laughter.

"What?" Simon chokes out between laughs, "No!"

Laura scoffs at Simon who has finally stopped cackling, "Well, Maria saw you holding hands with Abby and we just thought…"

"Abby!?" Simon glaces disbelievingly at her, "She's my best friend!"

"Okay," Laura states, "I never claimed it made sense. It was just something we needed to know. We never thought you were the cheating type."

Simon pulls into a parking lot. He parks his car, unbuckles his seat belt, and turns his body to face Laura.

"There's actually something I've been wanting to tell you."

Laura takes off her seatbelt and turns to face Simon, "What?"

This is the moment. If there’s anyone else who can know about him, it’s Laura. If there’s anything he needs more than air right now it is for someone else to accept him, to prove that this won’t be the end of his life as he knows it. His body reacts to the feeling of fright washing over him. His cheeks turn red, his heart begins to thump, and his palms start to sweat.

He sucks in all of the air in the car, “I-I’m,” FUCK this shouldn’t be this hard. He’s done this before. It was fine. But that was with Abby. A lump forms in his throat and all he wants is for Abby to be beside him, supporting him. "I'm gay."

He stares at Laura expectantly and she stares back at him. Did he really just say that? Laura begins to laugh.

"Whatever, Simon," Laura says, "you’re a horrible lair."

Simon’s eyes go wide with surprise. He’s actually a great liar. He’s horrible at telling the truth. "I'm not lying," Simon replies, "I'm gay."

Laura shakes her head, "No, you're not. I know gay guys and you're not one. This is payback for me thinking you and Abby were doing the bedroom boom.”

Simon's mouth opens to speak, but then he shuts it. He pulls out the only real hints he has saying that he is gay.

"Check my most recent songs on Spotify.” He hands her his phone.

She slides through bubblegum pop, popular rap and hip hop, a few show tunes, and some depressing guitar forward singer-songwriter acoustics.

"That doesn't mean anything," Laura says, “I listen to Tim McGraw but I’m not a republican.”

"Most people think I'm lying about being a virgin because I prefer jumbo size tampons, but I can't help it if I have a heavy flow and a wide-set vagina."

Laura shakes her head, "Everyone's seen Mean Girls, Simon. I know you. You're not gonna punk me."

“Florals in spring?” Simon widens his eyes, “Groundbreaking.”

“If you don’t love Meryl then you’re not a human.”

"Okay," Simon smirks, "I think Rico’s gorgeous because of that deep v and six pack that shows under his shirt when he stretches behind the bar.”

Laura slaps Simon, "YOU'RE GAY!?"

"Ow," Simon put his hand over his cheek, "why would you hit me!?"

Laura clasps her hand over her mouth, “I’m so sorry! I was just surprised.” She grabs Simon’s shoulders, "This makes me feel so much better! I had the biggest crush on you last year and you never paid me any attention, in that way. Wow. That's actually a relief, I thought I had lost my game."

She is taking it much better than he could have expected. He could only laugh with her as she repeats, several times, that he is gay. It was as if saying it made her believe it.

"Abby’s the first person I came out to," Simon explains, "we're best friends. Some people mix that up, but we're just really comfortable around each other."

Mentioning Abby makes Simon think back to their argument on Monday. He had no reason to get so upset. Abby really is just trying to look out for him. It’s something she's always done. He has a strong urge to call her, but knows it is the wrong moment to leave Laura hanging.

"Wait," Laura’s audibly confused, "you have a girlfriend."

"Yeah," Simon replies, "that's a long story that I'm guessing you want explained."

And he does. Much in the style of his and Abby's numerous heart-to-hearts, he explains the details surrounding his and Leah's relationship. How they didn’t speak through the end of high school and freshman year because he was hell bent on pushing people away. How she ran into him after the most heartbreaking experience he ever had, aside from his mother passing away. How they reignited their friendship and it was like they never left off. How they got drunk together and one thing led to another. But most of all, how he can’t bear to break her heart now.

"But how did it start off?" Laura asks, "What happened to you freshman year?"

Simon bites his lip, "Well, that's where it gets really stupid. Spring time that year I was with this guy, Cal. We were really, um, hot and heavy for a while. We never had sex, but came really close. He—well—wanted things from me that I couldn't give. He wanted me to come out so we could really be together. He gave me the summer to come out to my family and I couldn’t. So he dumped me that fall. Through a text. Said it was too hard for him to love someone that he can’t be with in the daylight.

"At a football game that fall Leah and I bumped into each other. Our fraternity and sorority always take over the same section of student seats at the games. We actively avoided each other freshman year, but she actually said hello to me that day and I said hello back and then…”

“You don’t have to re-hash everything.” Laura rubs his knee, “But I’m happy you trust me enough to tell me all of this.”

“I’m actually talking to a guy I really like. His name is Blue. But I’ve been lying through my teeth to keep him from finding me.”

"Why are you so freaked out about him finding you?" Laura asks, "Aside from the obvious problem. You know. You have a girlfriend…”

"Kent," Simon replies without having to think, "a guy I met freshman year before Cal. I thought he was cool, and understanding, and funny. We got along, so I followed him on Instagram and gave him my number.

"He lived in Creswell and I lived next door in Russell, so sometimes he'd call me late at night and ask me to come to his room. I always turned him down and eventually he got to where he'd call and text me _a lot_. I got my number changed, so he started DMing me on Instagram and would comment on all of my pictures and I’d have to work overtime to delete them.”

"Why didn't you block him?"

"I did. I got pretty much everything cleared up. Then he found out where I lived in Russell. He came by room sometimes, even told Nick that he was a good friend of mine from back home. I eventually told him if he didn't lay off I'd get a restraining order and he disappeared a little while after."

"That's insane.”

"I was so scared," Simon confesses, "everyday for over two months I had to worry if someone was going to find out because of that psycho. I don't want to go through that again."

It is getting late, so Simon rounds up the conversation with her and begins to take her back to her car at the restaurant.

"Why haven't you told Maria?" Laura asks Simon.

Simon shakes his head, "It's weird, but I get a vibe from people. I got it from Abby, I got it from you. It's a vibe that tells me whether or not I can trust someone. I'm not saying I couldn't trust her, or that my vibes are right, or that they even exist, but I just go with what I feel. I don't feel comfortable enough with Maria to tell her."

"I know she'd be okay with it." Laura says.

"Well," Simon replies, "maybe, someday. Please don't tell her, this is strictly an Abby, you and me thing. Okay?

Laura nods, "I'll never tell."

He pulls up beside her car. She doesn’t say goodbye. She just squeezes his hand, smiles, and gets out.

He pulls out his phone before he drives back to the fraternity house.

Abby immediately answers his call, “I love you. I’m so sorry.”

Simon laughs, “I love you more, I’m sorrier.”


	6. Hanging By A Moment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon's falling even more in love with Blue, but it will require that he let's go of the guise he's held on to for so long. It's Thanksgiving Break. A family reunion and return to school could change his perspective and, quite frankly, his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter was a hard one for me. There's a lot I wanted to get done and I'm feeling like this could have been broken down into two or maybe three chapters. Let me know what you think! This was a long one and I read it many time to check it over, but if you catch any mistakes please let me know!

Simon stares at his stomach and pokes it a few times through his threadbare Panic! At The Disco T-shirt. The sleeves are a bit tighter around his arms than they were in high school and the logo stretches a bit more around his chest, but it still sort of fits. He’s a bit distracted by the enormous food baby he’s developed from the three plates and-then-some of a deadly combination of Spier Thanksgiving classics and Nora’s newly perfected culinary masterpieces…or experiments…or both?

“When are you expecting, bub?” Alice asks under the volume of the TV. It would be a cardinal sin to talk too loud over _Crazy, Stupid, Love_. Spier family tradition dictated a yearly-watch of _Love, Actually_ over winter holiday and their mom, Emily, was determined to find a Thanksgiving equivalent. He was in middle school when they saw _Crazy, Stupid, Love_ and Emily knew that would be their go-to.

Simon looks up at her. After their gluttonous meal Alice parked herself in the square center of their sectional. Simon grabbed a pillow and lay down next to Alice, his head practically in her lap. Nora secured her spot on the other side of her, leaning against her with Alice’s arm around her shoulders. If you took a picture and Photoshopped Emily in Alice’s place and moved Alice down to the floor lying against Emily’s knees you would see their defining position for watching _Crazy, Stupid, Love_. Every year. Since he was in middle school. Jack, Simon’s dad, would always sit off to the side because he said he loved to watch them all fall asleep together post-meal. That was until _it_ happened. Until their family got smaller.

“I don’t know. It’s going to come soon.”

They always joked that their food baby’s due dates were when they would eventually pass out for most of the evening.

“Boop’s already had hers,” Alice nods towards Nora who’s eyes are fully closed, who’s breathing is very heavy, and who’s found a deep crevice between Alice and the couch cushion to support her hibernation.

A few minutes later, around the time Ryan Gosling does the trick from _Dirty Dancing_ with Emma Stone and they stay up all night talking, Simon can hear Alice’s breathing change. Her fingers stop caressing his hair as they drift slowly down to the couch. He looks up carefully and confirms: she’s carried her food baby to term. He then looks over to his dad, who still to this day sits off to the side during the movie. He’s usually on the verge of tears around this time every holiday. Has been ever since Emily slipped away. He’s eyes are red, but he’s smiling.

Simon sees his dad mouth “I love you” silently in his direction shortly before Simon passes out.

-X-X-X-X-

Imani plops down on the couch next to Bram. In her hands is a bowl of mashed potatoes, broccoli, turkey meat, cranberry sauce, stuffing, and gravy. She digs her spoon in the bowl and holds it out for Bram. He crinkles his forehead at her and shakes his head.

"That looks like what I felt like vomiting up earlier today."

Imani glares at him and takes the spoonful for herself, "Fine." She then grins and begins to flip aimlessly through their cable channels until she comes to some version of house hunters. One of the ones with couple with jobs that sound like they’re made up who miraculously have at least a quarter million to spend on a house. “We can sit here and watch this all night, or we could also not.”

"Are you trying to ask me something?" Bram asks.

Imani puts her bowl down, "I'm just saying there are a million pre-Tech parties we could have gone to tonight instead of sitting around the apartment. It’s a huge game so everyone who’s left on campus will be at one of the them."

"You know I'm not super in to the house party scene. Downtown on occasion, but big house parties are just doing too much."

Imani rolls her eyes so hard they nearly develop their own gravitational pull, "Ugh! You were just begging me to go downtown with you a few nights ago. But you're totally right, Bram. A bunch of people getting together and having fun together in a central location _is_ doing waaaaaay too much."

"I'm glad we agree."

"Bram!" Imani exclaims, "One of the pros of having a gay twin brother is to have a wingman. I don't believe I ended up with the only antisocial gay man in recorded history."

"I'm not antisocial."

"The most I've ever seen you say to someone you've just met is—well—not much!" Imani pulls her legs underneath her as she shifts to look directly at her brother, "In fact I'm not sure you've done more than just introduce yourself to people you don’t know in months."

"If you're referring to the loser dudes you bring around, then yes. And, at least I introduce myself."

"Well you never bring any dudes around for me to introduce myself to," Imani puts her arm around her brother's shoulders, "are you still upset about—"

"—no." Bram finishes Imani’s sentence for her, "I'm okay now. I'm over him."

Imani nods and rests her head against Bram’s broad shoulder, "You know Mom and Dad would be proud of our Thanksgiving dinner. I think we've gotten a lot better at it."

They’ve done Thanksgiving on their own since they moved to college. Trying to split up the holidays is too complicated between their parents, so instead they spend Thanksgiving together as a smaller unit. Both of their parents had to try to out-support each other, similar to when Bram came out, so it was fairly easy to get them to agree to it.

Bram nods, "Well she would be proud of you. I couldn't even finish making the salad."

"I don't think there's ever been a set of twins as different as us."

Bram turns his attention to the TV in time to see an epic fight over countertops.

"Do you ever think we’ll be old enough to care about countertops?" Bram smiles.

"I won’t.” Imani says, “So, if our pattern follows then you will.”

A ding from Bram’s phone in the kitchen distracts them. He looks at Imani in time to see her jump from her seat and run off towards the kitchen. The two make it at the same time, but Imani plucks his phone off the counter before he can get close.

"Imani!" Bram exclaims, "Drop the phone!"

Imani holds his phone up and checks the screen, "Ooooo, it's Nick! He's messaging you this late at night? What will the two of you talk about?"

"Imani, drop it!"

She smiles widely and sits the phone on the countertop. She walks up to Blue and wraps her arms around his neck, "Have fun, I'll just eat myself into a food coma."

Bram smiles as he leaves the room and walks into his bedroom, closing the door behind him.

-X-X-X-X-

Their backyard had become a gradual masterpiece over the years. What used to be a grill on a patio overlooking green grass became a full outdoor lounge complete with a hammock strung between two dogwoods, a full wicker outdoor sofa sectional, a firepit, net-wired twinkle lights suspended along the hedges, flowerbeds laden with woodchips, stone walkways, and a grill that is more expensive than most ranges.

His father spent most of his free time working on it. It is gorgeous, but it’s also a standing reminder of the reason he has so much more down time now.

Simon had been lying in the hammock talking to Blue for a couple of hours. It is close to midnight.

“I don’t know,” Simon muses, “Sometimes I feel like they just picked up my high school and moved it 70 miles East. That’s why I really don’t see anyone over the holidays, because everyone’s at UGA anyway.”

“Everyone?”

“I swear at least a quarter of my high school goes to UGA. Four of us are in my fraternity.”

“That’s a lot.” A beat. “What fraternity did you say you were in again?”

Simon bites his tongue, “Blue, can I be honest with you?”

“Of course.”

Here it goes.

“I’ve been lying to you.”

Silence.

“Blue?”

“Yeah,” Blue says, “I figured. It’s usually common with guys in the closet. I guess it just depends on the extent to which you’ve been lying.”

“I’m not ready to tell you the full truth, though. Not yet.”

“You don’t have to.” Blue says, “As long as you’re still you, then I’m good. I mean…if you’re 70 we may have a problem, but other than that I’m—well, I don’t know if happy is the word, but I’m good.”

“Why aren’t you happy?”

“Because you’re not laying here beside me right now.”

“And what would you be doing if I were laying beside you?” Oops. Was that too far?

Blue breathes heavily into the phone. Simon isn’t sure if it was on purpose or not, but his arms get goose bumps. “To be honest, I don’t know if I’d trust myself around you.”

“What would you do?”

“Things.”

“What things?”

“I’m not having phone sex with you, Nick.”

Simon laughs, “I wasn’t asking you to. Sorry, I just got carried away.” The tightness of his pants made that clear, except Blue can’t see that.

“You’re a dangerous man, Nick.”

“Why is that?”

“Well, for one I’m going to have blue balls going to bed tonight just from talking to you. So I can’t imagine how my body will react when I finally get to be around you. Second, I fall for you more every time we talk. I trust you with my heart, Nick. Don’t break it.”

“I won’t.”

“You promise?”

“I promise.”

“Okay.” Blue clears his throat, “But, can you tell me the truth about something else?”

“I’ll tell you anything I can.”

He’s nervous. Simon can hear it in his voice, “Are you talking to any other guy? Am I just one of many?”

Simon’s heart damn near tries to get out of his chest. Is Blue talking to other guys?   He said that guys in the closet usually lie about who they are…is he talking to other guys in the closet? Or worse, guys he can actually be with?

“You’re my one. My only.”

Blue’s audibly relieved, “Good. I don’t think I could handle that.”

“Am I your only?”

“Yeah, babe, you’re my only.”

They sit in a comfortable silence for a few moments, and then Blue speaks up.

“It’s getting close late. Should we go to bed?”

“I don’t want to stop talking to you.”

“I don’t either.”

“Want to watch the sun rise together?” Simon asks, “It’s only five and half hours away.”

There is goes. That chuckle. “I don’t know if five and half hours is enough time.”

-X-X-X-X-

Friday morning his father found Simon sleeping in the hammock outside, his phone lodged between his ear and his shoulder. They spent the day as a family running errands, watching TV, and grilling in the backyard. Saturday came and Leah and her mom and Wells came over for a game night. Nick ended up stopping by, too, and brought Garrett along, which slowly bought back a bit of déjà vu. They would normally do things like this at Nick or Garrett’s house in high school, but Simon doesn’t like leaving his father alone any more.

Sunday is a bleak day. The goodbyes are always hard for his dad. Hell, they’re hard for Simon, too. But he’s driving Alice to the airport because his dad would be mopey the entire way. Then he’ll hop on the interstate and head straight for Athens.

“I worry about him,” Alice says bluntly, “What is he going to do when Nora goes to college?”

“We’ve got about eight months to figure that out.”

“Bub, we’ve got to make sure that we’re ready for it over Christmas. You know how he gets. He’s emotional to start with. He’s going to be really sad because this is his last Christmas with kids living in the house.”

Emotions are weird. They have a tendency to bubble up at the most inopportune times. Simon’s especially. He’s not a savant at expressing how he feels and tends to either under express his thoughts or dramatically over-do it. He’s not sure what this moment would be categorized as, because he actually can’t think about it. His chest begins to heave uncontrollably, tears flow freely, and he’s forced to pull over to the side of the road.

“SIMON!?” Alice exclaims, “Bub! What happened?”

“I-I-I-do-I-don’t know.” He’s finally able to force the words out.

Alice leans over and pulls Simon close to her. She hugs him tightly and they just sit there for a moment. Well…a lot of moments.

Eventually the tears subside, but Simon, quite frankly, looks gross.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, my love,” Alice starts instinctively cleaning his face with tissues from her purse, “I mean, I don’t know if I’ve ever seen you like this. Not since…”

“I just miss her.”

“I know, bub. Me too.”

“I just feel like she didn’t know me at all before she died.” Simon takes a tissue from Alice’s hand and aggressively blows his nose, as if he’s clearing his entire body of the emotions that just overtook him, “And talking about dad having his final Christmas with us before he’s an empty-nester. All of it. I’m just—“

“What do you mean she didn’t know you?”

FUCK. An emotional overload leads to a Freudian slip. Somewhere, deep down, Simon knows he wants Alice to know, but he isn’t ready to do this yet.

“Alice,” Simon looks at the floor. This seems to be a habit. Anytime he tells someone he’s gay he can never look at them when he says the words. He forces himself to look up, “I’m gay.”

Alice puts her hand on his cheek and purses her lips together, “Wow, bub. Good for you!”

“Good for me?”

“Yeah!” Alice squeezes his hand, “I mean, not great for Leah, but I think that’s a conversation we can have later.”

“Good for me?”

“What did you want me to say?”

“I don’t know. It’s not good for me. It changes everything.”

“Are you ashamed?”

“No! But it does change my life, how is that good?”

“I mean, isn’t it the same as you telling me you love Oreos and or you hate going hiking?” Alice asks, “It’s part of your identity. It’s a big part of your identity. But it doesn’t change who you are. It’s just another layer to you.”

Simon looks at the clock, “You’re going to be late to the airport.” He puts the car in drive and pulls out towards I-75. Alice is watching him the whole way, “I’m going to miss you.” Simon says. “I think that’s part of this. The Christmas thing, you going back to LA, missing mom, feeling like I’m constantly hiding…all of that equals emotional meltdown.”

“It’s okay to show emotion, Si.” Alice says, “And, by the way, Mom would be so proud of you.”

“Would she, though?”

“Oh,” Alice chuckles, “she would. Not any prouder than she’s always been of you, just a steady state of adoring mother thinking the world of her kid.”

“I love you.”

“Don’t get mushy, bub,” Alice smiles and takes his free hand. She kisses the back of it, “You’re still you and I’m still me and we’ve always understood what each other is thinking without having to say it. For example, what am I thinking right now?”

“Hmmm,” Simon ponders, “you’re thinking of everything you can think except I love you to try to throw me off.”

“See?” Alice smirks, “It’s like magic.”

-X-X-X-X-

It’s that feeling you get when Summer finally gives way to Fall and when Winter finally gives way to Spring. There’s that joyous relief in the air. A promise of something new. A nostalgic tug in your body brought on by the nostalgia of all the seasons you’ve seen change in your life. Simon feels it now, though it’s not triggered by the seasons.

He can’t stop thinking about Blue. He can’t stop feeling like something new is coming and for the first time in, well, _ever_ he’s almost excited. Still afraid. Still anxious. But excited.

Abby feels it too, but not from her own experience, from the obnoxiously sugar sweet music that’s playing in his Subaru. It’s Monday, which means back to reality until winter break. Simon had been giddy all day with his nose crushed into his phone at every possible interval and even at dinner he was oddly distracted.

“Spill.” Abby says as she presses pause on his iPhone.

“What?”

“Simon,” Abby holds up his phone and scrolls through the most recently played music. _Brown Eyes_ by Destiny’s Child, _You’re Still The One_ by Shania Twain, _Taking Chances_ by Celine Dion, _Until The End Of Time_ by JT and Beyoncé. These aren’t just love songs, they’re deep cuts that you’ll only hear on a Spotify back-in-the-day collection. She hadn’t even heard a couple of them before. “What is this?”

Simon runs his lower lip up over his upper lip and purses them tight, “I don’t know.”

"Yes, you do."

"No, I don't."

"Si-mon—“

"Okay," Simon laughs, "don’t use the two syllable thing on me."

"So…" she listens expectantly.

"I think I’m in love with Blue." Simon's smile spreads ear-to-ear.

Abby gasps, "OH. MY. GOD. We’re out of ‘really like’ and into ‘love?’”

He nods, "I think so. I think I realized it on Thanksgiving, we talked for literally seven hours. We watched the sun come up together, over the phone.”

Abby looks at Simon, "I'm happy for you. I'm glad you finally came clean with him, I told you it'd be for the best."

Simon pauses and looks down at the car's floorboard, "Um, not exactly. I told him that I was lying to him, but I wasn’t ready to tell him the whole truth yet."

“And?”

“He was okay with it. He told me to be careful with his heart.”

Abby could die. She could. She’s feeling the butterflies for Simon. She just smiles at him as he stares at the road driving towards the student learning center. Another study/hang-out session that they swore would end before bedtime.

-X-X-X-X-

They made it through almost ten minutes of studying before Blue came up again.

“Wait,” Abby whispers, “Does this mean you’re going to meet him?”

Simon presses his lips together to think, "I mean—yes and no. I want to, but then again things seem so natural now. If we meet then there are the complications of getting physical and getting seen together. I can't even really say I want to meet him while I'm still with Leah. She's still my girlfriend and one of my best friends. I have to do right by her. I mean, also, what if I meet him and I'm not attracted to him at all. Or if I'm crazy attracted to him and he's not into me."

"Aww," Abby locks arms with Simon, "I'm sorry, baby, you sound really frustrated about this. But don't worry, he's going to think you're gorgeous." She kisses him on the cheek but quickly separates from Simon because Maria rounds the corner and walks towards their table.

"Oh hey!" she exclaims, wrapping her arms around Simon and giving Abby a quick smile.

"What are you doing here?" Simon asks, "You know the vodka shots are on Broad Street, right?"

"I'm doing some Spanish tutoring for my friend," she sighs, "at least he's cute to look at." She then turns to Abby, "I thought you were going to join in?"

"Oh," Abby throws her palms up in an exaggerated shrug, "I totally forgot. Since you’re here I can join in, I’m mostly just moral support for Simon at this point.”

Maria begins to speak but a set of strong arms wrap around her. She laughs as she is squeezed, then wails to be put down. She turns and slaps the boy behind her on the arm, “That hurt!"

Bram laughs, "I'm sorry, I forgot you’re fragile." He glances to Abby and Simon and smiles, "Hi, you're Abby right?"

Abby nods, "Yeah. I remember you, what was your name again?"

"Hold on," Maria steps back and gawks at Bram, "you're actually engaging new people in a conversation? I NEED to call your sister, this is a revelation!"

"She actually just told me I need to be more social over the break. Why not start now?" Bram turns to Simon and holds out his hand, "Hi, I'm Bram."

Up to that point Simon felt like he knew that voice. Like he had heard it. Every inflection, every break between words. He had experienced it all before. When he said his name it suddenly clicks and Simon’s heart explodes.

He freezes. He looks down to his books, then to Maria, then to Abby, then back to Bram. “Uh,” he fumbles as he tries to deepen his voice to mask it, making him sound ludicrous, “Hi, I’m Simon.” He goes to stand to shake his hand but knocks his books off of the edge of the table.

“Oh!” Bram leans down at the same instant as Simon, “My bad.”

"No," Simon shakes his head, still speaking in his low voice, "I've got it."

That's when it happens. As if Simon needs any more cliché moments making him feel he is in more of a romcom than in his actual life. They touched. Bram’s hands brush against Simon's for no more than a second, but as soon as they did the two boys locked stares. Simon feels a sort of gravity pulling him to Bram. A short moment passes where Simon feels as though he could lean in and kiss Bram right in the middle of the study hall. Bram’s unshaved stubble would tickle his face, Simon would cup his cheek with his hand, Bram would pull him closer with one hand cemented on the nape of his neck and the other on the small of his back.

"Are you okay?" Bram asks, snapping Simon out of the apparent staring contest.

Simon soon realizes he had been staring at Bram while Bram’s eyebrows were arched in confusion. Their romantic, cliché moment was actually an awkward stalker moment where Simon looked like he was high.

"Uh—Yeah, I-I'm just—just—" Simon fumbles over his words again, his voice slipping in and out of its low tone, "—constipated."

Bram jumps up to his feet and hands Simon the book he picked up. Simon locks it in place with his others by his side. Abby and Maria are trying to decipher the train wreck currently in progress.

"Maybe I'll join next time," Abby smiles sweetly, "you two have fun." She jumps up, quickly grabs her things, and yanks Simon away immediately.

"CONSTIPATED!?" Abby exclaims, "What the hell just happened in there!"

Simon jumps out of view of the hallway and drags Abby into an empty classroom. He slams his books on the ground and begins twitching, which is a signal that his mind has overloaded.

"That is him!"

"Who!?"

"BLUE!"

Abby jerks away from Simon in shock, "BLUE!?"

"YA!"

"He is fine!" Abby attempts to move back out of the door for another view of Simon's crush, but he grabs her and pulls her back in front of him.

"I just told one of the hottest guys I've ever seen that I'm constipated."

"Are you?"

"NNNNO!"

"Stop yelling!" Abby commands as she shoves Simon against the wall, "Calm down, you're okay."

Simon begins breathing at a more normal pace and stares up to the ceiling. He then replays his previous encounter and sighs heavily, "Now I can never see him face-to-face."

"What? Why?"

"He's like 20 times hotter than me, he can find someone who doesn't announce his difficult bowel movements to complete strangers."

Abby shakes her head and embraces Simon in a hug, "You've already met, now you just have to tell him who you are…when you're not constipated."

"Haha." Simon says with absolutely no humor.

Abby rubs Simon's arms and shrugs, "At least he's gorgeous."

Simon purses his lips together and nods, "Yeah, but I'm still not ready yet, I don't think."

"Yeah, well we literally just had this conversation 18 minutes ago so I’m not expecting you to be ready all of a sudden. It'll be kind of like coming out, everything in time, right?'

"I came out to Laura," Simon blurts out.

Abby hits him, "You bastard"

Simon holds his shoulder, "You crazy devil woman! Why are you hitting me!? Why do I get hit so much!?"

"You're trying to get a new Grace!" Abby smiles at him.

Simon laughs, "No, I'm not!"

Abby grins, "Good, she'd best be Karen.”

“I also came out to Alice.”

“SI-MON!”

-X-X-X-X-

It is about midnight when Simon pulls into his fraternity house's parking lot. He and Abby drove around talking about everything. Literally everything. He rehashed his coming out stories, his breakdown about his mom and more details about he and Bram’s conversations over break.

“It’s more evident now than ever,” Abby says.

“I know.” He did. He knew exactly what she was thinking, “I’m ending things with Leah. I just have to find the right time.”

She wanted to be dropped off downtown instead of at her dorm, so he stopped at the corner of Broad and Lumpkin.

Now he is alone in his parking lot, his seat leans as far back as it will go. Before he has time to think about going inside, his phone rings. It’s Bram.

"I want you to come over," Bram speaks quickly before Simon can even say hello.

Simon does not know how to respond. His first instinct is to say yes and rush over as fast as possible, but he knows that’s not happening tonight.

Bram takes the silence as an open invitation to keep talking. “Today was horrible. I feel like classes began and things were back to normal. They felt extraordinary over the break. We talked so much, learned so much about each other, I just can’t keep this up. I have to see you.”

“Bram…”

Bram’s heart skips a beat. Simon has _never_ referred to him by his real name. “Nick, please.”

Simon knows he can’t. It’s not possible yet. It would be wrong. But he can’t stay silent. He has to say something.

"Meet me downtown at The Grill," Simon says, "in about an hour?"

"What!?" Bram asks, he had asked Simon to meet up several times before and he had always turned him down, "Seriously!? I’m sorry. If you’re not ready that’s okay. I was just feeling so…lonely. I miss you so much every day. I don’t want to miss you anymore.”

"I don’t either," Simon states, "I'll be there around 1 and I'll be in an orange polo."

"Wow," Bram replies, "Yes. Yes!”

Simon laughs, “I can’t wait.” But inside he’s panicking.

-X-X-X-X-

Bram hangs up his phone. He jumps out of bed and looks at himself in the mirror. He is in a tank top and pajama pants. He is nervous, even though he knows Nick so well. He takes a deep breath. He keeps whispering to himself that he is calm and centered. He is actually freaking out, so much that his first instinct is to yell.

"HOLY SHIT!" he exclaims.

“IMANI!” He calls his sister.

“MADDIE!” He calls their roommate.

“NOW!” He demands and dives headfirst into his closet.


	7. Tuesday Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon has a decision to make. In the dark of Tuesday morning it may be time for Blue to find out who he is and who they could be together.

Downtown Athens is rarely empty. Athens is one of the biggest college party towns in the country, so Simon doesn’t know exactly who he may run in to downtown. Maybe that’s why he’s standing on the corner of Herty and Broad. The Mayflower is shuttered to his left and the only sound coming from the campus on his right is buzz of a streetlight. He’s oddly aware of every sound around him, including that of his own heart beating.

He pulls out his phone and dials Bram’s number. When he answers he immediately apologizes.

“I’m sorry, Bram,” Simon whispers, “I can’t do this.”

He can feel Bram’s disappointment.

“Okay,” Bram says after moment, “that’s okay.”

“I’m so so sorry.” Simon continues, “I’m a block away. I just—“

“—That’s funny. So am I.”

Bram was having the exact same moment before Simon called. He is frozen on the corner of Clayton and College, staring at the dark window displays inside Heery’s Clothes Closet.

Simon looks around, “I don’t see you.”

“I’m on Clayton.”

“I’m on Broad.”

Simon stands in silence, but not the comfortable type that he and Bram tend to share in their long stretches on the phone. This one is different. It’s electric and terrifying. It’s sad but hopeful.

“How about this,” Bram finally says, “let’s hang up the phone. Take one minute. Literally, set a timer on your phone as soon as we hang up. After a minute do what you need to do. I’ll do the same. If we both see each other walking to The Grill, then great. If we don’t, then we’ll talk tomorrow and act like this never happened.”

“You promise?”

“I promise.”

They hang up the phone. Simon does as instructed. He sets the timer and watches the seconds tick away. He has his phone in one hand and his car keys in the other hand. He wants to see him. He wants to take this step. But the past week has been a whirlwind. He’s come out to more people, he’s actually seen Bram, he’s had to wrestle with the idea of his father being alone, he’s finally come to terms with the fact that he is going to break Leah’s heart.

It’s not right. It’s too much. If he does meet Bram now his heart won’t be in it. He’ll be too distracted.

Simon steps back into his car, which he parked only a foot away from where he was standing. He pulls out his phone and types _I’m sorry_. to Bram.

But he can’t press send. He checks the timer and it’s done. In fact, Simon’s not sure how long it’s been done. Did he space out and miss the alarm? How long has Bram been there, in front of The Grill, hoping that he would be there too? Was he there at all?

Suddenly he’s rounding the corner of Broad Street onto College Avenue. Simon can’t really remember if he locked his car or even if he closed the door. But that doesn’t matter, because before he knows it he’s staring straight into the most expressive brown eyes he’s ever seen.

-X-X-X-X-

“It’s you.”

Simon wasn’t sure how long he and Bram had stood there in silence just staring at one another. Bram’s voice is akin to warm water in the shower first thing in the morning. It wakes him up, warms his body, and suddenly he feels comfortable.

“It’s me.”

Bram shoves his hands as deep in his pockets as they will go. He bites his lower lip and Simon feels like he could jump out of his skin. Bram just gazes at him. His eyes glance up and down Simon’s body, but it doesn’t look like Bram’s studying him…it looks like Bram’s soaking in the moment.

“Wow.” Bram slides his palm over his mouth. “This is—“

“Everything?” Simon exhales. He didn’t even realize he was holding his breath.

Then Bram chuckles. The same sound that hypnotizes Simon on the phone. He melts. Is melting the right word? How else can you describe this feeling?

“Shall we?” Bram points towards the door to The Grill.

Simon doesn’t even look inside. He just nods and follows Bram through the doors. The diner is empty, save for a couple of men at the bar in the back in front of the exposed kitchen and two people sitting opposite one other in a booth. It takes him a minute, but Simon realizes he recognizes these people once the hostess seats them nearby.

“Simon!?” Abby exclaims and she yanks her hand off of the table and into her lap.

“SIMON!?” Nick does the same, but turns and props his elbow on the booth seat so he can better see his roommate.

“Simon?” Bram whispers while looking back and forth at them.

Abby jumps up immediately and pulls Nick out of the booth with her. Simon’s almost positive everyone can hear the thumping in his chest. His face begins to flush. Will Nick wonder why he’s at The Grill late night with a random guy? A guy Nick’s never met? But then it hits him; he’s not the only one who may have some explaining to do.

Simon’s forehead is now dominated by his eyebrows. “Abby? You? And Nick?”

“Now’s maybe not the best time to discuss this.” Abby tries to smile but her lips won’t cooperate.

“You were just holding hands.”

“Well,” Nick begins but is silenced by Abby.

“Were we?”

Simon turns to Nick, “Nick?”

He’s a deer in headlights. Then Simon realizes Bram’s sitting across from him. Then he realizes he needs an exit plan for them and a cover for Nick. A fast one. He can’t have Nick figuring out that he’s gay. How would he take it? They sleep in the same room together. He sees him basically naked almost as much as he sees himself.

“Looks like you guys got hungry!” Abby interjects, “I was just telling Nick that you dropped me off downtown after our,” she moves her hand in a circular motion to include her, Bram, and Simon, “study group! You guys could have come with us if you were hungry!”

Abby. Fucking Abby. Quick on her feet and doing exactly what Simon needs. Simon shoots her the most appreciative glance that he can without being too obvious.

“Yeah,” Bram speaks up and stands to shake Nick’s hand, “I’m Bram, I’m in their study group.”

Nick reaches out to shake his hand but Abby grabs Nick instead, “Wow, it’s so late we really have to go.” She goes to walk out of the door but Nick is still standing there, clearly processing how awkward he feels that Simon’s caught him and Abby. Abby circles back and grabs Nick by the shoulders and ushers him away, mouthing silently to Simon on her way out: “We will talk.” They exit quickly.

"So," Bram sighs as he looks at Simon.

"So," Simon grins, and subsequently makes Bram’s heart fall a bit deeper in his body.

"Wow." Bram smiles and lets his eyes drop down to the tabletop. For a moment, he avoids Simon’s glance. It is the most adorable thing Simon has seen in a very long time. Scratch that. It’s the most adorable thing he’s ever seen.

Simon stares down at the table for a moment while trying to hide his wide grin. Meanwhile, Bram looks up and eyes him up and down.

"I love a good awkward moment," Bram flashes his teeth, "I'm sure you're going to explain that whole exchange soon?"

Simon nods.

"Simon?" Bram whispers.

Jesus Christ. It sounds so good coming out of his mouth. The breathless way the word escaped his lips. Is he mad? It doesn’t sound like it, but he has every right to be.

“I’m just glad you’re not still constipated.” Bram bites his tongue to keep from laughing.

Simon looks up and Bram’s eyes are gleaming, almost wicked. “It was too much to hope you’d forget that right?”

Bram scoffs. "Well, when a complete stranger tells you they're constipated it's not something you forget."

They both howled with laughter.

"I can explain…"

"No need." Bram winks at Simon. “Your name is Simon. I like it, actually. A lot better than Nick.”

Simon swallows hard, even though he has nothing in his mouth to swallow. He looks down to the diner table again and he begins fiddling with his hands. Bram slowly places one of his hands over Simon’s. The chemistry in the touch is irrefutable. A singe of desire surged through each of their bodies, as if all they needed to know was in that one touch.

"It doesn't matter now that I'm here with you." Bram’s eyes are fixated on Simon, who is still staring at the table. Bram reaches over and lifts Simon’s chin so they are looking directly at one another. Their eyes joined for several moments. “I want you to hear me, Simon. I told you I trust you with my heart. But I also want you to trust me with yours. I’ve got you, babe.”

Simon’s eyes are remarkably watery, but nothing’s falling out of them. He’s not going to let that happen. He’s not sad. He’s just so fucking happy right now.

“So you’re not upset that it’s me?”

Bram runs his thump across Simon’s lips, “I couldn’t ask for more.”

“I’m sorry,” a tall red-headed woman interrupts them. She’s wearing a waist apron with straws, pens, and an order pad sitting in the pockets. She’s got on black pants and a white shirt with rips on the sleeves and “The Grill” emblazoned on the front. She’s also used at least a whole stick of eyeliner to make exaggerated wing tips. “Y’all are too damn cute, but I’m wondering if y’all are gonna order something? And are y’all gonna pay for your friends who just ran out?

Neither one of them look away from one another, but Bram responds: “Yes and yes.”

-X-X-X-X-

Is this real life? This night, well _morning_ , is like the exact opposite of driving for Simon. When he leaves work or his classes Simon knows his destination, but forgets everything that happens from when he drives off to when he parks. He has no idea what his destination is now, physically or emotionally, but he is hanging on to every moment as tightly as he can.

He and Bram became a little more self-conscious once they left The Grill. Walking around downtown, even though it’s three in the morning, poses it’s own certain kind of risk. Anyone could see them. Bram tried to reach for his hand while they walked, but Simon pulled it away.

“I’m sorry,” Bram mumbled, “I just want to touch you.”

They kept a slow but deliberate pace down Clayton towards Thomas St. Simon didn’t look at Bram, but said, “I’m sorry, too. It’s just too public here.”

Bram nodded, “I get that. I don’t want to do anything you’re not comfortable with.”

Then Simon stopped. He stepped back to put just enough distance between them where an onlooker wouldn’t think anything of it. “That’s the problem. I think I’m too comfortable with you.”

Bram’s face twisted for a moment, “Hmm.”

“Bram?”

“I don’t want there to be a five foot gap between us for the rest of the night. What if I told you there’s a place I guarantee no one will see us?”

The corner of Simon’s mouth ticked up ever so slightly, “I’d say take me there. Now.”

And he did. They walked back down College Avenue back in front of The Grill. They kept walking down to the Arch and both instinctively avoided walking under it. Through North Campus Quad, past the School of Law, down past the UGA Main Library and eventually ended up in front of LeConte Hall.

They’ve been sitting on the grass, side by side, for an inexpressible amount of time. Any time with Bram simultaneously felt too long to measure but too short to fully relish. Simon’s head is on Bram’s shoulder and Bram’s arm is around his back. His hand is lying in Simon’s lap and Simon has wrapped both of his hands around Bram’s. The air feels like rain is coming and the sound of thunder rolls in gradually from a distance away.

“So,” Bram continues their conversation, “Why lie?”

Simon continues to look at the view of Sanford Stadium provided by the gap between the Journalism and Psychology buildings in the Instructional Plaza. "I guess I didn't want you to find me before I was ready. I've been in a pretty serious relationship with a guy before and—" Simon pauses, "—are we okay with talking about exes?"

Bram feels a sharp pang of jealousy when Simon mentions that he has an ex, but that’s normal. People have exes. They’re not even technically together. So, why does Bram feel so protective? After all, he has exes too.

“Can I be weird?” Bram asks.

“I love weird.”

“If you’re going to talk about other guys, can we get closer?” Bram shifts his position so that his legs are spread open, one straight out and one knee up. Simon sits between them, his back against Bram’s chest. Bram puts his chin on Simon’s shoulder and nips at his ear, “Go on.”

"Well, Cal was my first boyfriend. I met him in high school but we didn’t know about each other until freshman year. He made me feel comfortable in my 'gayness' for the first time ever." Simon speaks hurriedly, as if he is remembering this story for the first time since it happened. "He was just like me. We called ourselves straight guys who happened to like each other. But, when he decided he wanted more from me than I could give he dumped me."

“What did he want from you?”

Simon rubs his cheek against Bram’s, “He wanted me to come out. I couldn’t then.”

Bram has one hand playing with one of Simon’s belt loops, “But you can now?”

“Maybe. Someday. I think it’s coming sooner than expected.”

Bram kisses Simon’s cheek. The ear nip was first and now this kiss. Both are somewhat innocent, almost nonchalant, almost as if Simon and Bram have been doing things like this for ages. Simon feels the anticipation of what this could be hit him all at once. The fluttering in his stomach makes it almost hard for him to breathe. It definitely makes it hard for him to speak. He can tell by the shutter moving through Bram’s body that he feels the same way.

“Did you and Cal—“ Bram trails off.

“What?”

“You know.”

“What?” Simon turns to Bram.

"You know," Bram edges into his next words cautiously, "—do it?"

Simons laughs, "Did we do it?"

"Can we not talk about that stuff?"

Simon laughs. Bram spoke the words like an innocent kid. The tone in his voice mixed with his broad shoulders, defined muscles, and stubble made a hilarious combination.

"Yes," Simon smiles, "we can."

There’s a moment of pause.

"So?" Bram asks, much more curious than he was before.

"So, what?" Simon acts clueless.

Bram sighs heavily. Simon could keep this act up for a while if it means he gets to feel Bram’s breath on his neck like this.

"No." Simon says, "We didn't."

"Have you ever?"

"With girls, yes. But not with a guy." Simon raises his eyebrows with similar curiosity as Bram’s, "Have you?"

"No."

"With anyone?"

"Nope." Bram begins to rub a trail up and down Simon’s arm. Simon has a hard time believing it, but he knows Bram wouldn’t lie to him. He wishes he could say the same for himself.

Then Bram’s stomach growls.

“I told you.” Simon jeers, “a spinach gorgonzola salad isn’t a meal.”

Bram pinches his side, “Everything they have there basically a huge cow with cheese on it. It was my only option.”

“Like I said at first: Eat the cow with cheese on it.”

"I don't eat red meat."

"Men do," Simon turns his head and smiles.

"I'm a man and I don't."

"You're a boy."

"I can grow facial hair."

"Are you ever going to let that rest?"

Bram laughs, "No, it's my main ammo. I actually have no sense of humor and am not interesting at all, so I use the same thing over and over again to get laughs."

Simon nudges Bram’s foot with his, "I think you're interesting."

Bram leans in to Simon’s ear, “I think you’re perfect.” He wraps his arms around Simon and pulls him into a tight embrace. They sit there like that until the first few drops of rain start to fall. Bram pulls back to see Simon’s tearing up. “What’s wrong, babe?”

“I don’t want this to end.”

“It doesn’t have to.”

-X-X-X-X-

Simon made it clear earlier in the night that he wouldn’t go over to Bram’s place. That’s why they met downtown. Bram walks him back up through North Campus and back downtown, but instead of going for their cars they veer right and find themselves at a hotel tucked in the back-end of downtown. At this point it’s pouring and they’re soaked to the core.

There are a lot of thoughts running through Simon’s head as he watches Bram walk up to the desk and pay for a room.

There are a lot of thoughts running through his head as they stand on opposite sides of the elevator staring at each other.

There are a lot of thoughts running through his head as Bram takes his hand and leads him into the hotel room.

Then, Bram hands him a white robe from out of the closet.

“You take the bathroom.”

Simon nods and he steps into the bathroom. He peels off his clothes and lays them out over the counter. He wraps himself in the robe and ties it tightly around his waist. He takes a deep breath. Somewhere inside him he can hear his conscious yelling that he can’t do anything with Bram tonight, that he owes at least that much to Leah. But another part of him is so curious. What is Bram going to want from him?

When he walks out all of the lights are off, except for the glow of the lamp beside the bed. Bram’s on top of the covers, pillows under his neck, robe wrapped just as tightly around his waist, laying on his back with an arm out as an open invitation for Simon to lay down next to him.

Simon does. He crawls up and rests his head against Bram’s chest. He relaxes his body against him and puts one of his legs over Bram’s. They lay like that for a while. Simon runs his fingers on the exposed skin of Bram’s chest. Bram’s finger traces paths on the back of Simon’s neck. Their feet rub against another almost involuntarily to the same rhythm as the rain tapping on the window.

They drift off into a wordless sleep. It’s perfect.

-X-X-X-X-

Bram stretches the full length of the bed. His feet hang slightly off the edge of the bed when he does. The sun is shining through the window signaling an early start to Tuesday morning. He looks beside him and Simon isn’t there. His heart sinks as he looks around the room and realizes Simon is gone.

He stands up. He feels a bit more alone that he thinks he’s ever felt. When he steps up to grab his shirt, still slightly wet from the night before, he sees a note scribbled on hotel paper.

_Best sleep I’ve ever had. The only thing I regret more than not meeting you sooner is that I can’t wake up with you. You’re too cute when you sleep to wake up and I have an 8am class._

There’s an arrow directing Bram to turn over the paper.

_I also took a picture of you sleeping. I hope that’s not weird. If you want me to delete it you can text me at this number and tell me yourself. I miss you._

Simon’s real phone number is written at the bottom of the page.


	8. Good Morning, Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Do the wrong thing and something great happens. Do the right thing and something horrible happens. Do nothing and everything changes. Do something and nothing changes. What will happen for Simon when he chooses to do the right thing, even though he knows he's wrong?

Simon texted Abby as soon as his 8 AM started begging her to blow off her 10 AM so he could adequately paint a picture of his morning with Bram before the day trudged along. Leaving the room as the sun was rising was simultaneously magical and morose. The soft orange and pink glow of the early morning sunlight illuminated Bram’s deep brown skin, so much so it seemed to glow against the bright white robe he fell asleep in. Simon just stood there for a moment beside the bed, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and forcing himself to take in what was sure to be the last peaceful moment of his day. He couldn’t help but to snap a picture of Bram to keep, almost as a guaranteed respite in case his world came crashing down.

“But why would your world come crashing down?” Abby asks, taking a long sip from her water bottle while she watches Simon collect his thoughts.

Simon takes a bite from his breakfast platter and chews a bit too slowly while he processes the words that he knows have to leave his mouth, “Because I’m going to tell Leah today.”

Abby drops her water bottle, then hurriedly yanks it from the floor and leans in, “You’re going to tell her about this?”

“No. I mean yes. Ugh, kind of.” His chest deflates as he lets the all of the air escape his lungs, “I mean, I’m going to break up with her. As kindly as I can. I mean, I wanted to wait until after KGD’s Winter Formal and our end of the world party and after Christmas and after New Year’s but I just can’t. It’s so wrong.”

“And you’re _sure_ y’all didn’t have sex.”

“Of course not! I couldn’t do that to her.”

Abby stares him down.

“I mean, I know that emotionally I’ve been cheating on her for a long time and I’m not okay with that. But I have to make this right—as right as I can. Do you think she’ll be able to forgive me?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know if knowing that you’re gay will make this easier or harder for her. But, if she doesn’t, you can’t blame her for that. You just need to try to make this as painless as possible for her.”

Simon nods, “I owe her at least that. I owe her the world, really.” He takes another bite of his breakfast, “Do you think you and Nick could be there, just outside the door making sure no one comes in the room?”

“Of course, but you could ask Nick yourself.”

“But he’s your boyfriend.” 

“He’s NOT my boyfriend.”

“Then why were you at The Grill with him last night?”

“We’re not talking about this.” Abby folds her arms, “This is all definitely about you and we’re keeping it that way until shit calms down.”

“Wall will be heartbroken.”

“Simon.” Abby shakes her head.

“All I’m saying is you know everything about who’s warming my sausage,” he holds up the impaled turkey link, “but I don’t know anything about who’s scrambling your eggs.” he points to the eggs on his plate.

“SI-MON EW, NO!” Abby gags loudly and throws the top of her water bottle at him. 

-X-X-X-X-

“Did you just ask me if I’m an alcoholic!?”

Bram and Imani are cuddling under a blanket, Bram in his unicorn onesie and Imani in her dinosaur one. They made an oath as an apartment to blow off their Tuesday classes to talk about Bram’s big night, at least until he passes out from exhaustion. As with any other apartment meeting they must wear their onesies and have a glass of malbec in hand.

Sadly, Maddie’s parents called right as they settled in the den. Now, instead of a step-by-step retelling of Bram’s tryst, they are watching Maddie yell at her parents while pacing back and forth in her beaver onesie.

“Well you basically just said it, father!” Maddie shrieks, “I get ONE M-I-P and you act like I do everything wrong! I had ONE drink at ONE bar on a random WEDNESDAY night and some douche-bag bike cop decides he needs to prove he deserves his fucking plastic badge and ARREST ME! OBVIOUSLY I’m the victim here!”

“You know we do have neighbors who may find the yelling at 10am a little inconvenient.” Bram says.

She holds up her middle finger to Bram, “YOU ARE NOT PULLING ME OUT OF UGA! And by the way, all of the stress you are putting on me right now is making me FAT. Ben and Jerry are my new boyfriends and I guess I’m going to have to take them to Winter Formal because of this! Do you know how I’m going to feel being the fattest girl in Kappa Gamma Delta taking a pint of Phish Food to Formal!?”

She pauses while her dad speaks. Imani leans over and whispers to Bram, “I think she needs more thigh-meat, honestly, I mean her booty’s looking great!”

She didn’t whisper quietly enough because Maddie throws a pillow at her and Bram.

“Well, Dad, you can take your money and your obnoxious head and shove it up your self-righteous ass! Maybe while your head is up there you can find the THREE DUIs you’ve had in your life, because apparently getting a MIP is SO MUCH WORSE than DUIs. And YES, Mom told me. You gonna cut her off too? AND before I hang up on you I need you to put more money in my account so I can get a dress for formal.”

She pauses.

“Yes, daddy, I can use the credit card but put money in my account anyway so I can have some cash if I need it.”

She pauses.

“I love you too. Yes, daddy, I’ll always be your little girl. No, I’ll never drink again, not until I turn 21. Love you. Yes, I’m being safe. Love you. Tell mom I love her too. Dad, if you don’t hush I’m going to start yelling again. Love you. Bye.”

Maddie chucks her iPhone onto the coffee table and plops down on the couch next to Imani. “PARENTS! Ugh!”

“You are officially spoiled.” Imani says dryly, “Maybe even a spoiled bitch.”

“I’m not a bitch,” Maddie protests, “I just stand up for myself.”

Imani points to Maddie, then to herself, and then to where Maddie was pacing, “Uh, girl, if that were me or Bram we wouldn’t be able to stand. Our momma would be the FIRST woman to figure out how to actually beat our ass through the phone.”

“AHEM.” Bram interrupts, “I just met someone who could probably be the guy of my dreams. Do y’all mind if I continue with my story?”

“Oooooooh!” The girls exclaim.

He fills them in on every detail of the night, from his perspective. He tells them how despondent he was when he thought Simon was going to back out, but how exhilarating it was when he saw Simon round the corner of Broad towards The Grill. He tells them about their playful teasing and heartfelt moments, talking equally as much about deep thoughts around relationships as their food preferences, and how they fell asleep together at the end of the night.

“Hold up.” Imani holds up one finger, “You got a hotel for the two of you and there was no inserting of keys into any ignition?”

“First of all, ew,” Bram shakes his head, “You could just as easily have said sex. And no. It was perfect. We just slept together.”

“And no kiss at sunrise?” Maddie questions.

“Nope.” Bram says, “He left a note saying he has an 8am, so he said he took a picture of me sleeping and gave me his real number.”

“WORK BITCH!” Maddie snaps.

“Oh my God,” Imani pulls out her phone, “give it to us and we can see if we know him.”

“No.” Bram shuts her down, “He’s still in the closet, and so until I have the go-ahead there will be no naming or sharing of contact information.”

Bram’s phone dings in his lap. He stares at it for a moment, then stares at Imani and Maddie. Their eyes are as expectant as a North Campus squirrel waiting for passersby to drop food. He unlocks his phone and leans as far back away from them as he can while their faces follow in close proximity, but out of view of the screen.

Bram had texted Simon earlier: _You can keep the picture, but I expect a selfie today._

Simon just sent the selfie. One of him with a closed mouth grin and a raised eyebrow. Bram would think anything Simon sends him is cute, but this is absolutely adorable. The text below says: _This is my sleepy-why-am-I-an-idiot face. You know, because I went to class and didn’t wake up with you._

_Bram: I miss you._

_Simon: I miss you more._

_Bram: Impossible._

_Simon: Totally possible, it’s happening right now._

A smile plasters itself on Bram’s face and he looks back to Imani and Maddie. They beg to see the picture and he agrees, under the condition that they only get to see the one and can ask no further questions about Simon’s “secret” identity.

As soon as she sees the picture Maddie yells “OH MY GOD!”

“WHAT!?” Bram and Imani instantly sit upright.

“I mean,” Maddie clenches her teeth, “ugggghhhhh, my cramps just hit me hard. My period is here and I don’t have tampons.”

“TMI, Maddie!” Bram says.

“I have some,” Imani moves to get up off of the couch, but Maddie grabs her and pulls her back down.

“No you don’t I checked.” She looks at Bram, “Will you PLEASE run to the pharmacy and get me some?" 

“Wha—“ Bram looks confused, but after more pitiful glances from Maddie he obliges. He goes to his room to change, but Maddie tells him there’s no time so he darts out of the apartment in his unicorn onesie jangling his keys as he leaves.

Imani stands up once the door closes. “What the hell is wrong with you!?”

“I have bad news,” Maddie grabs Imani’s legs and turns to her. “I needed Bram out of the apartment for this, I don’t know if he can hear this. I know that guy. I’m 99% positive that’s Simon Spier. He went to my high school.”

“Well that’s great! We’ve got the inside scoop!”

“No!” Maddie shakes her head, “I don’t know him super well. He was in the theater crew and hung out with some soccer kids and manga nerds at our school and I was in student government and debate. We didn’t cross paths much. But he’s in Omega Beta Theta and I know for a fact he’s dating the president of my sorority.” 

-X-X-X-X-

“You need to stop.” Laura puts her hand over Simon’s phone and forces it down to the bar. He had been Google-ing “How to break up with someone without breaking their heart” for their entire shift and neither _Seventeen_ magazine, _Quora,_ or _Wikihow_ were helpful.

Simon plants his forehead on the bar’s edge and grunts, “I can’t do this.”

Laura rubs his back, “I know, honey bear, but sometimes the right thing is the hardest to do.”

Simon stands up and leans against the wall, looking out at the near-empty dining room and bar. The restaurant is snails-pace slow tonight, which does nothing to help Simon’s rapid-fire nerves. He is less than two hours from having to tear he and Leah’s relationship apart and his body feels like it is going to crumble.

“Simon,” Laura leans against the wall next to him and grabs his hand, out of view of their co-workers, “honestly, I’m about a week into this whole mess, but you got yourself into a really bad situation. You’ve spent the last year trying to do a good thing by doing a bad thing. Now, the only good thing you can do is the really bad thing. Know what I mean?”

Simon squeezes her hand, “Actually, yeah.” He presses his lips together in a loose smile, “Thanks mama bear.”

Laura grins, “Of course, honey bear.” She stands and releases his hand, but laughs to herself. She turns back to Simon, “I guess now I kind of have to call you honey twink, right? You’re definitely not a bear.”

“Oh my God, bye!” Simon moves into the kitchen, but Laura can hear his laughter through the swinging doors.

Across the restaurant at the host’s stand Maria is leaned in close to Rico.

“We’re like a unit,” she says, “and I know that I haven’t been working here that long, but I feel like there’s this thing between them since they talked.” She forces air between her clenched lips, “I mean, yay and stuff that Simon’s not cheating on Leah, but also now they’ve got this weird thing that I don’t feel like I’m a part of.” 

Rico visibly yawns, “You mocosos could learn a lot if you just started talking to each other." 

Maria chooses to ignore his sensible advice, “Like things feel weird. Even when I was texting Laura about it over the break she was being evasive. And Simon, he’s just—I don’t know—Rico, he literally almost lost his mind when he ran into me and my friend in the SLC yesterday.”

Rico nods, “Weird.”

Maria smacks his shoulder, “RICO pay attention to me!”

“GIRL!” Rico’s eyes bore into her, “That hurt.”

Maria grins, “Don’t say ‘girl’” she puts the word in air-quotes, “like that too loud or your botoxed money-pits will know you’re gay.” She points to the only people in the restaurant, a line of three older women with martini and coupe glasses posted at the bar.

“Guess I have to go make that money,” Rico slumps his shoulders as he begins to walk away. As he leaves, the last thing he says to Maria is, “Just talk to them.”

-X-X-X-X-

Leah came over just like he had asked. She walked into the room, threw her purse on his bed, and sat down on the edge of it facing him. She was smiling, she was happy to be there, and Simon couldn’t imagine doing what he knew he had to do.

“Leah,” Simon exhales, rubbing his knees. He is sitting in his desk chair in front of her, “we need to talk.”

Leah’s posture stiffens, “About?”

 _I’m gay._ That’s what he should say, but looking at her face all he can muster is, “I love you. You’re my best friend.”

Leah’s quizzical glance melts into a ear-to-ear smile, “Aw, Simon!” She reaches her hands up to his cheeks and leans in for a kiss, but Simon grabs onto her wrists and moves her hands down to his lap. He pulls his head back to avoid the kiss. “Simon?”

Simon is shaking, “Leah, you’re my best friend. You always have been.” He squeezes her hand, “But, I—“ His voice trails off. He can’t find the words.

Leah yanks her hands away from him, “Are you—?”

Simon nods.

“You’re breaking up with me!?” Leah’s eyebrows take over her forehead and her mouth sits agape.

“Leah,” Simon’s heart is thumping, “please, let me explain, I just—“

“Who is she?”

“Who is who?”

“You’re dumping me for a reason, Simon, I’m not stupid.”

“Leah, there is no ‘she’. I swear.”

“Huh,” Leah stands up. He’s breaking up with her? He’s actually breaking up with her. “How could you do this to me?”

“Leah, please just listen, I can’t explain…”

“You can explain or you can’t, Simon? Make up your mind.”

He tripped over his words. He stands hoping it will help him calm his nerves, “I just—“

“I don’t have to listen to this,” Leah grabs her purse, “You’re just another example of a fucked up frat boy with no regard for human emotion.”

Simon grabs her hand, and pleads, “Leah, please, don’t just walk away. Let me try to explain. Let me try to fix this.”

“Aren’t you the one who told me that it’s harder to say goodbye to someone once they’re already gone!? It sounds a whole lot like you’re already gone, Simon. What do you want me to do!?” 

Simon’s temper flares and he strains the words he wants to yell through his teeth. He told her that exact same thing when he was explaining how painful it was to watch his mother die. “I know I’m the worst, right now, Leah, but you do not get to use that against me. That’s really messed up.”

“And dumping me with no warning isn’t!? Do I mean nothing to you!?” Leah shrieks, “What the FUCK, Simon!? What did I do to you!? Maybe you _should_ be thinking about your mother and what she’d be thinking of you right now!”

Leah knew those words would hurt before they left her mouth. She wants to hurt him, just like she’s hurting. Now, the words hang in the air between them filling the room with a crushing silence. She can feel Simon’s emotions building and with every twitch of his eye or clench of his fist she feels the anger filling her up in equal stride. Or is it desperation? Is she forcing a rise out of him to make him realize how much he actually cares? Is she trying to save their relationship or help it burn faster?

She doesn’t know. What follows from Simon’s mouth, and then again from hers, is a volley of words that they both black out. It is one of those fights that seem to go on for hours where the rest of the world no longer matters. The only thing that matters is that you hurt the other person more than you are hurting. Intermittently, Simon tries to cool things down but Leah finds another trigger—a layer of tinder easy to light and the fire would ignite again. It wasn’t until the sound of shattering glass bounced off of the walls of the room that they both became aware of the damage they had done to one another. 

Leah looks at her feet, a picture frame holding a photo of her and Simon that once sat on his desk lay broken on the floor. The sun was shining in that picture. She was in a red and black flared dress and he was in his white button down with his Georgia Bulldogs tie. They were smiling. She barely recognized the people in that picture.

“I hate you.” She whispers, her body exhausted. Her cheeks are wet. When did she start crying?

“Leah,” Simon is crying too, “Please, I’m so sorry, I love you, I do, I—“

Leah slaps him. Hard. She stares at him, her gaze somehow simultaneously cold and explosive. She says nothing to him when she turns and walks out of the room.

-X-X-X-X-

Nick and Abby are right outside of Simon’s door. They have been for the entire fight. Listening to the helplessness in Leah’s voice, the remorse in Simon’s, the anger between the two of them…all they could really do was to sit on the floor in the hallway and hold each other’s hands. A few brothers on the hallway left their room, including Garrett, to check in but they waved them away. They said it was just another fight and were just waiting to go inside. Eventually all of the doors shut on the hallway and no one came down towards the room.

Abby begins to tear up a bit, “I know this isn’t my moment. But I feel responsible for this. I’ve known this was coming.”

Nick pulls her closer, “No, you can’t blame yourself. This wasn’t your secret to tell. You were just supporting him. You didn’t make him get with her in the first place. You didn’t make him gay.” Nick had kept the fact that Simon is gay quiet up until he ran into him with Bram at The Grill. Once he saw the dynamic between Simon and Abby in that whole exchange he knew that she knew. He told her about the texts he saw and that he hadn’t told Simon or anyone else. She smacked him for snooping, but then hugged him for not being a “straight asshole.”

“So this is his fault?” Abby rubs her eyes, “Is he the bad guy here?”

Nick looks up to the ceiling while he thinks, “I think so. Yes. I mean, things happen and I’m sure there’s a lot we don’t know, but Leah didn’t do anything wrong here. She’s the one getting hurt in this whole thing. He was on a date last night, Abby. That’s not good.”

“It wasn’t like that and I told you that.”

“You didn’t tell me anything. You just said to not ask questions.” 

“Because it’s not my business to tell and honestly it’s so complicated that I don’t think I could help you understand. You have to talk to Simon.” 

They sit there for a moment, not trading words, until they hear stomping towards the door. They try to hop up, but don’t make it out of the way before Leah storms out of the room. Her face is stained from tears, her eyes red from crying and her cheeks pink from yelling. She stares directly at Abby.

“OF COURSE YOU’RE HERE!” She turns and quickly leaves the house, running by anyone in her way without a word.

Nick and Abby walk into the room to see Simon on his knees, picking up the shattered glass from the picture frame off of the floor. Abby walks over and puts her hand on his back, “Do you want—“

“No.” Simon interrupts, “I just want to go to sleep.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was another tough one for me because I honestly had no idea what a fight between Simon and Leah would look like at this magnitude. It almost felt weird to put in the first few sections with the final two. As always, thank you for all your feedback and thoughts throughout this super complicated fic!


	9. All These Things That I've Done

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon must begin to process the fallout of what he's done while Leah starts to question her experience so far. Simon and Bram have another meet-up.

The ringing of a Facetime notification from his phone wakes him up. Simon opens his eyes and squints against the early morning sun. He goes to reach for his phone but his arm pushes up against a body instead.

“Hi sleepy head,” Abby says in a honey-sweet voice.

“Oh my God!” Simon quietly cries out, shocked that Abby is in his bed. He instinctively turns over and, instead of facing his wall, he has Nick’s smiling face a few inches from his.

“Hey buddy!” Nick has the same tone as Abby.

“What the hell!?” Simon rolls onto his back.

“I told you this was a bad idea,” Nick says to Abby over Simon, his tone back to normal.

“No it’s not,” her tone shifts to scolding, “he needs this.”

“I need what?” Simon speaks up, “I can hear you. You’re literally talking over me.”

“Told you.”

Abby ignores Nick, “Sorry. You just sounded so defeated last night, I wanted you to know we’re here for you.”

“I would have known that if you were on the couch.”

Abby’s eyes are wide as she examines Simon’s expression. He turns to Nick, who’s eyes are just as curious.

“Okay,” Simon says, “I’m sorry. Thank you. Both. This is really nice. Weird, but nice.”

Abby puts an arm over Simon’s stomach and Nick props up on his elbow, “Do you want to talk about it, buddy?”

Simon shakes his head, “What is there to say? We broke up.”

“I think Nick has something to say.” Abby stares directly at him, as if forcing him to say something he doesn’t want to. Simon’s phone rings again and Abby reaches behind her to silence it.

Nick sighs heavily, “I know why you broke up.”

Simon looks directly at Abby, who twists her face as if to say, “It wasn’t me.” He turns his head back to Nick, “So you know I’m gay, I guess. No need to get into details.”

“Well,” Nick clenches his teeth, “I kind of came across it by accident. The night you stayed home when we were all going to JR’s Baitshack. I picked up your computer because you fell asleep with it and it came on. And I saw one of the subjects of your e-mails. And I couldn’t help but look. I’m so sorry.”

“I mean I guess with this clusterfuck of a week I’m not surprised,” Simon scoffs, “Sorry, I mean, I’m not mad I guess. You’re cool with it?”

Nick sits a bit farther up, “Of course! I don’t care at all. I mean I care, about you, but I don’t care about the gay thing. I’m a little offended because—“

“Now’s not the time to joke about me not coming on to you.”

Nick laughs, “Okay, but seriously, I don’t care at all.”

Simon’s phone goes off again and Abby reaches for it. Simon sits up and reaches over her to get there before she does. He’s getting Facetime request from Alice. He accepts.

“SIMON!” She exclaims as soon as it connects, “Do not send me a text telling me you need me in the middle of the night and NOT answer when I call you! I thought you were in jail or dead or something!”

It’s too early for all of this stimulation. Simon rubs his eyes with his free hand and groans, “I’m sorry. I was really upset last night. I just woke up. Isn’t it like 5am over there?”

Alice takes a breath, “Yes, bub, I woke up to go pee and saw your text. I’ve been up ever since. What’s happening? Why were you up so late?”

“I broke up with Leah. It didn’t go well.”

“You—“ Alice stops when she sees movement in the corner of her screen. Abby tries to roll off of the bed, but Alice spotted her, “Who are you in bed with!? Simon!”

Simon turns the phone, “It’s just Abby, she stayed over last night. With Nick.” He turns the phone over to show Nick on his other side. They both awkwardly wave and say hi.

If he’s honest with himself, Simon must admit this is kind of nice. He has three of the most important people in his life around him all wanting to make sure he’s okay. He hopes Leah has that same support system this morning. Abby and Nick wiggle off of the bed, Nick having to worm his way to the foot of it since he’s trapped between Simon and the wall.

Simon sits upright on the bed and talks Alice through the fight from last night. He doesn’t realize it, but they talk for over an hour. Alice, of all the siblings, is the one with her life together the most. She’s been with Theo since her freshman year of college. They’ve been married for a couple of years now and seem to be well-balanced and happy. She’s got a great job and a big house and she’s not even thirty.

“She’ll come around.” Alice eventually says, “Family is family, Simon, and she’s been your family since the beginning. You have to give her time to heal, but eventually you’ll be able to be truly honest with her. I’m proud of you, love, doing the right thing fucking blows sometimes.”

“You sound a lot more confident than everybody else.”

“I’m also ancient. Y’all are the babies. Listen to your elder. It won’t be tomorrow and it won’t be next week. It probably won’t be for a very long time. But she will come around. Time has a way to make everything better eventually.”

“What can I do to speed up the process? I feel so bad.”

“Bub, real talk, you’re the one who did the thing. You don’t get to experience the fallout comfortably.”

Simon nods and clenches his eyes shut for a moment, “Do you think I should pause with Bram?”

Alice thinks for a minute, “No, because that would hurt him. I’m assuming he doesn’t know anything about any of this?”

“Not yet. All in time.”

“Well,” Alice raises her eyebrows, “judging by current experiences I’d say the sooner you open up to him the better. But you can’t stop talking to him. He’s the bystander in all of this. All that will do is give you someone else to feel guilty about.”

After they say “I love you” Simon hangs up the phone and collapses back down on his bed. He looks at Nick and Abby out of the corner of his eye as they lay on Nick’s bed, both essentially just staring at the ceiling.

“Guys,” Simon announces, “it’s literally only Wednesday.”

They groan in response.

-X-X-X-X- 

Getting out of bed this morning was the hardest thing she’d had to do in a very long time. She remembered a person vaguely similar to her. A girl with a hair trigger temper but a realist outlook that kept people both level headed and on their toes. A nerd who memorized Harry Potter and kept a mountain of sketchbooks full of drawings. She isn’t that person anymore. The change started slowly in college, when Anna demanded they go on sorority rush. Leah felt so over it before it even began, but once bid day rolled around and she and Anna were placed in the same sorority she couldn’t say no.

Kappa Gamma Delta is literally the biggest and arguably the most prestigious of them all at UGA. She was shocked that they wanted her and even more surprised that she was happy that they did. She felt an immediate sense of belonging and as she walked down Milledge Avenue in her white bid day dress she began to feel differently than she had in high school. She didn’t mind that her thighs were showing more than she was accustomed to. She didn’t mind that so many eyes were on her as they passed fraternity pledges, newly admitted from rush, and the brothers they vied to join posted up on their lawns clapping and hollering. She even felt a sense of justification when she spotted Simon latched beside Nick at the Omega Beta Theta house. She didn’t even know he was rushing, much less pledging the fraternity right next door to her.

The changes picked up the pace after that. She started to care about different things as she was inundated with a different kind of social life, one she had observed from the outside but ever experienced from within. She stopped drinking regular Coke and switched to diet, she traded her drawings for contouring and, while there was a still a flair of the quintessential nerd that she held so deep to her identity still present, she found her own ambition pushing her to do things that would make her more successful in the social networking game that Greek Life presented. She attributed that to Slytherin in her.

All morning she couldn’t help but wonder if the “old” Leah would have seen what was coming or if she would be able to handle it better. 

“Are you listening to me?”

Leah snaps out of her daze and faces Erica, one of her sisters and one of the many planners on KGD’s social committee.

“No,” she pouts her lips and shakes her head, “I really wasn’t.”

Erica sucks her teeth, “This is like an actual crisis and you’re not listening. Is something wrong?”

Leah looks around and shakes her head in the process, “Nothing. I’m fine. Do you ever just get the feeling that all eyes are on you and everyone’s judging you?”

Erica enthusiastically nods her head, “All the time. Especially now that I’ve wrecked the Formal.”

Leah stops, “WHAT!?”

Erica shudders, “I was just telling you that! I got a call from the Classic Center like seven seconds ago saying that they double booked the west facing hall and that they can’t give it to us because apparently some fundraiser is more important. There’s no other space in the center and every space big enough off-campus is booked.”

This isn’t something Leah can process right now. “Erica, did you tell Maddie?”

“No, I texted her and asked her to meet me here. She said she has to catch the bus to go to East Campus so she should be here soon.”

They are waiting for a bus to take them back to Milledge Ave from their morning classes. Once Maddie arrives she has Imani in tow with Bram not far behind. She leans in to hug Erica and has a mild panic attack when she sees Leah standing next to her.

“What are the _two_ of you doing here!?”

Leah arches her eyebrow. She knows she is still reeling from the night before, but everything is striking her as either depressing or subversive. “We both live at the house.” Her words escape her mouth as if Maddie is stupid and she instantly regrets it. But she can’t keep everyone’s feelings in mind when she can’t even process her own. “We both have morning classes. We both have to get back to the house.”

Maddie nods enthusiastically, “Oh yeah, right!”

“Are you going to introduce us?” Imani elbows Maddie.

“Oh, also, yeah, duh!” She turns to look directly at Imani, her face out of sight of Leah and Erica, “Imani, this is Erica and Leah.” She steps back so Imani has a clear view of them. She then turns again so they can’t see the horror on her face, “Erica is on the Social Committee with me and Leah is a friend from high school. She’s the _president_ of my sorority.”

“Well HOLY SHIT!” Imani exclaims trying to hide the immediate shock on her face with the only words she can muster, “The president huh!?”

Leah gives an uncomfortable grin and nods.

Thankfully, Bram’s long fingers are typing away on his phone and judging by the smile on his face he’s unaware of the train wreck happening in front of him. Not that he’d realize what is going on anyway, Maddie and Imani have remained tight-lipped about Leah. Luckily, The East Campus Express pulls up before they can actually introduce him.

“Well, got to go!” Maddie says, “We’ll catch up later!" 

“No,” Erica takes hold of her wrist, “You need to come to the house with us. We have to figure this Formal thing out.”

“That’s fine!” Imani exclaims as she grabs Bram and carts him towards the bus, “We’ll go to Ramsey without you!”

Bram looks up from his phone as he begins to move, “Oh, sorry y’all! It was nice to meet you!”

Once the two of them load up and the bus pulls off Maddie lets out an audible sigh of relief, much to Leah’s suspicion. “Are you okay?”

Maddie realizes that was out loud, “Oh, yeah! I just really didn’t want to go to the gym.”

-X-X-X-X- 

In a far away corner of the Georgia Square Mall back lot Simon sits against the back passenger door of Bram’s Tahoe, one leg stretched across the seat and the other propped up on the back of the console. Bram is nestled in the space between his legs, his back resting against Simon’s chest. Bram is threading their fingers together repeatedly as Simon takes in the scent of his hair.

“Great second date spot, huh?” Simon asks softly, his voice sounding weak at the end.

“I don’t mind,” Bram says, his eyes fixated on their joined hands, “The Tahoe can be our own personal closet.”

They met in the parking lot as the sun was going down. Simon had just finished his shift at work and Bram had rushed to finish an assignment so the two of them could meet 7 miles away in this secluded spot. Simon parked his Subaru a few rows away, just in case.

Guilt has plagued Simon through the bulk of their time together thus far. He wants to enjoy his time with Bram, he even feels like he has Alice’s seal of approval, but thinking of Leah makes him feel like a garbage human. He knows for a fact there isn’t someone who can provide consolation for her like Bram can for him. He doesn’t deserve it, but he can’t let it go.

“Where are you?”

Simon looks down to Bram, who has turned his head to stare up at him. Simon gives a half-hearted grin, “I’m here.”

“Your body is.”

“I swear I’m here,” Simon pulls Bram up farther so he can rest his chin on his shoulder, “I’m just thinking.”

“About?”

“I just did a friend really wrong yesterday,” Simon admits, “and I’m feeling guilty that I feel so happy when I know they aren’t.”

Bram touches his cheek against Simon’s, “You’re happy?”

Simon nods. Bram can feel the movement though he can’t quite see it. Simon begins to hum a familiar song and Bram shudders from feeling the vibration from Simon’s throat against his shoulder. He chuckles lightly when he realizes what Simon is humming.

“Kiss Me Thru The Phone.” Bram shifts and turns his head towards Simon. He takes a moment to memorize Simon’s face. His eyes dart from his brow, to his nose, to his lips. “We don’t have the phone in our way anymore.” Bram puts a hand on Simon’s cheek, closes his eyes, and leans slowly towards him.

Simon puts his hand over Bram’s, but he leans back. He slides their hands down to rest between them. Bram opens his eyes, his face aflutter with confusion.

“I’m sorry,” Simon whispers, “I don’t want our first kiss to be here. I want it to be in the sun, when I’m not afraid of people finding out about me. I want it to be perfect. I don’t want it to be in the back of a parking lot.”

Bram smiles, “Isn’t it perfect if it’s just us?”

“You’re perfect,” Simon says as he runs a thumb along Bram’s chin, “I’m far from it. But I want to be perfect for you.”

Bram lets his eyes drop for a moment, then looks back up to him. “Well, I can get you into bed but you won’t kiss me. I kind of feel like Richard Gere in Pretty Woman.”

Simon laughs, “Excellent movie reference, sir. I approve. Except that makes me the prostitute.”

“That makes you Julia Roberts,” Bram laughs too, “and that’s the highest praise I can give anyone.”

The two sit and gaze at each other for seconds that stretch naturally into minutes. Eventually, Bram turns back to lie against Simon.

“What aren’t you telling me?”

Normal Simon would have a tinge of fear run down his spine. He would panic and instantly start thinking of lies he could tell to sidetrack the conversation or bide time until he could figure out what to do, but Bram’s question is so authentic—so sincere—that he can’t help but be honest.

“A lot,” Simon says, “But nothing that changes how deeply I care about you.”

“You’re not ready to tell me?”

“Not everything, not yet." 

“Well, let’s play a game. Each time we hang out you have to come clean about something. I appreciate your honesty, but I think I need to know a little bit.”

Simon thinks for a moment, “Okay. I’ll tell you a couple of things tonight. I’m not an advertising major. And I’m not in Sigma Theta.”

Bram nods, “Okay, what’s the truth then?”

“I’m a Psychology major and I’m not ready to tell you what fraternity I’m in." 

“Why Psychology?”

“My mom.” Simon replies, “Emily. She was my everything, but I didn’t know it soon enough. I used to get really annoyed with her because she would try to therapize our whole family every time there was an issue. I thought it was because she was a child psychologist, but it turns out that’s just what mom’s do. They’re the glue that holds everything together. I remember being so damn mad when I thought she was prying and the days in that house seemed so long sometimes, but after she died it seemed like the years were way too short.”

Simon’s arms had wrapped around Bram’s stomach while he was talking. Bram places his arms over Simon’s and rubs his thumbs along his skin. “I’m sorry, Simon. I didn’t know.”

“It’s okay. It’s been a long time. I can talk about it.”

“She didn’t know?”

Simon shakes his head, “No. I think that’s one of the reasons why I haven’t come out yet. I know she would’ve supported me. But, I just couldn’t. I mean, I also had somewhat of a stalker freshman year who came really close to outing me so I’m sure subconsciously that plays a role, too.”

“Kent?" 

“Yeah.” Simon had talked to Bram about Kent before, back when Bram was Blue. “I don’t know. I came out to my sister over Thanksgiving and I think I’m going to come out to my whole family over Christmas. I think it’s time.”

“From what you’ve told me about your family I think it’ll be great.”

“Yeah,” Simon replies. He can’t help but think about Leah when Bram says family. He flashes back to his conversation with Alice earlier in the day.

“Are you gone again?”

Bram feels Simon moving. He turns to see Simon raising a thin gold chain over his neck. He places it around Bram’s neck, clasping it to secure it in place. A small, simple cross pendant hangs on the chain.

“Actually,” Simon says as he rubs the pendant between this thumb and index finger, “I was thinking about how much I want you to have this. It was my mom’s." 

Bram starts to speak, but his words muddle together. He pulls himself back up and turns to face him. He starts again, “Simon, I don’t think I can accept this.”

Simon presses his hand against Bram’s chest, “I want you to. It means a lot to me and so do you. It would make me really happy to have you wear it.”

Bram looks down at Simon’s hand. He nods, “Okay. It just feels like this is a big deal. I’m ecstatic, really, but are you sure?” 

Simon leans in close to Bram, a smile spreading across his face, “Yeah, dummy, I wouldn’t have done it otherwise.” He plants a quick kiss on his cheek as he lifts the pendant up and lets it fall under Bram’s shirt.

Bram leans in and wraps him in a tight hug. Simon feels at peace, even though the guilt is resting in the pit of his stomach. “Will you come home with me tonight?” Bram asks the question with his mouth a few centimeters from Simon’s ear.

“Bram—“

“I swear I can sneak you in.” Bram pulls back to reveal a slightly mischievous grin, “No one will see you and my roommates have no idea who you are.  They'll be asleep anyway.  We can even leave your car here and I’ll bring you back to get it in the morning.”

Simon wants to say no, but something won’t let him. “Okay, but no funny business. I don’t put out on the second date.” 

Bram clenches his fists and pulls his elbows to his side, an obvious celebration for his win. He gets a little embarrassed when he realizes he did that in front of Simon. “I, uh, I know. I just didn’t sleep well last night when I wasn’t with you, so this is really purely just me looking out for me.”

Simon can’t help but think about how it feels Tuesday morning was weeks ago, even though it wasn’t even two days ago. Within an hour, Simon is in one of Bram’s shirts and a pair of his gym shorts sleeping in the exact same position they fell asleep in on Tuesday morning. Bram resigned himself to watch Simon fall asleep. His room is dim with just a little light from a street lamp outside, but it’s enough for him see Simon’s outline and the gradual expansion of his body as he breathes. This guy is a mystery, but he’s one Bram can’t wait to figure out.


	10. Fix You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She loved someone and watched it go to waste. He's worried he'll lose something he can't replace. Can they find a way to fix it?

Simon’s eyes are fixated on Bram’s hand, which is placed lightly on the top of his knee as they drive down West Broad toward the mall. Simon woke up in a flurry this morning. Neither had set an alarm the night before and Simon had less than an hour before his first class, the same one he had missed a few too many times in the past month. They played the blame game about who forgot to set an alarm while he hopped around getting into his jeans and his clothes. All the while Bram was in hysterics at the display. Simon went to run out of his room and dove back inside when he saw one of Bram’s roommates in the kitchen.

“Bram!” Simon exclaimed rolling his arm towards the door, “Get over here! Your roommate is up!”

Bram peeked outside and saw Imani making coffee, “It’s fine; it’s my sister. I swear no one you know knows her. C’mon, we’ll be quick. I’ll just say you were a one night stand.”

Simon smacked his arm, “Have a lot of those!?’

Bram started the hysterics again, wheezing from extended laughter. He moved behind Simon and pushed him out of the door. “Imani, close your eyes!”

“Jesus, Bram, just put some clothes on!”

She opened her eyes in time to see Simon’s back and Bram cackling as they left the apartment.

Now, Simon is soaking up the silence in the Tahoe. Bram’s lithe fingers are gently caressing his knee as he drives. Simon stares over at Bram. He’s in an unzipped grey hoodie, grey sweatpants, and has on a white tanktop. He can see the raised cloth in the middle of his chest where the cross pendant is hanging. Even with no time to get ready, Bram is the most gorgeous thing Simon’s ever seen.

Simon catches Bram’s eyes, not having realized he was staring just as intently at him.

“Road!” Simon points to the intersection in front of them and Bram quickly presses the brakes to avoid running a red light.

“Sorry,” Bram mumbles, “you’re just too beautiful to not look at." 

“Charmer.” Simon squeezes his bicep, “Music?” Simon grabs Bram’s phone from his lap and puts Bram’s thumb on the home button. It springs to life and Simon presses play on the last thing Bram listened to.

Bram’s eyes roll to the back of his head, “I LOVE this song!”

Immediately, Bram grabs hold of Simon’s hand and lifts it to his mouth as he begins to sing. He bounces his eyebrows to the beat of the song as he sings the words “La Vie Boheme” with the background chorus. Simon’s lips betray his rush to get to his car as they stretch as far across his face as they can. He laughs out loud as Bram starts bopping to the music.

“To handcrafted beers made in local breweries!” Bram stops at another red light and turns to fully face Simon. “To yoga, to yogurt, to rice and beans and cheese!” Now he’s full on following upper-body choreography to the lyrics. “To leather to dildos to curry vindaloo! To huevos rancheros and Maya Angelou!”

Simon’s entire body is writhing with his own awkwardness while simultaneously heaving from laughing so hard. Bram puts his eyes back on the road, still losing his goddamn mind over this song. Simon finally turns it down once the words “mucho masturbation” blare through the stereo speakers.

“What the hell is this song!?”

Bram seems legitimately surprised, “ _La Vie Boheme_! _Rent_! C’mon, you have to know this musical!”

“The only musical I’ve seen is _Mamma Mia_ and that’s because my dad is obsessed with Abba.”

Bram shakes his head, “Simon, we have to watch this. It’s the best! You have to know _Seasons of Love_!”

“Would you hate me if I said I didn’t?”

“Would you hate me if I turned this car around and forced you to watch it this morning?”

Bram pulls into the lot immediately after and shifts the SUV into park.

“The only thing that I hate is that I have to go back to ordinary life now.”

Bram takes his hand and kisses it, “This could be ordinary if you let it.”

Simon playfully pushes his palm against Bram’s cheek, “Oh my God, you are so extra. Bye!” He opens the door, throwing a wink in Bram’s direction as he jumps out of the car. Bram watches him close the door and start off towards his car, the only other one in the mall’s parking lot.

Much to Bram’s surprise, Simon turns around and opens the door again. He steps up on the on the nerf bar and leans across the passenger seat towards him.

“Hi.” Simon smiles.

“Hi.” Bram smiles back.

“In case I forget to tell you today, I had a really good time last night.”

“Coming in for the win with a _Pretty Woman_ quote,” Bram chokes out amidst his laughter.

Simon grinds his lower lip between his teeth and throws another wink in Bram’s direction as he closes the door and turns to rush off towards his car.

“I miss you!” Bram calls through his open window.

“I miss you more!” Simon yells back.

“Impossible!”

Simon opens the driver side door. Before hopping in he looks over the roof of the car and locks eyes with Bram. He can tell that they’re gleaming even from this distance.

“Totally possible, it’s happening right now!” He dives into the car and turns the ignition.

-X-X-X-X-

The soft beep from Abby’s cell phone forces her eyes to open. Her blurry vision slowly begins to focus as she reaches over to Nick’s desk to turn off the alarm. An unfortunate side effect of sleeping over with Nick is that she has to be up early to go back to her place to get ready for the day. She begins to slide over to the edge of the bed, but Nick’s hands grip her hips and pull her back against him. He grumbles lowly and wraps an arm around her to secure her in place.

“Dude,” Abby melds back against his body, “this is great but I’ve got to go.” She’s only halfheartedly committed to getting out of the bed.

“Or,” Nick slides his hand down her side, deep into the indent of her waist and back up over the curve of her hip, “you could also not do that.”

“He didn’t come home.” Leah’s voice quietly trails across the room.

Abby and Nick instantly shoot upright in the bed and look in the direction of her voice to see her sitting on the edge of Simon’s bed. She’s dressed in day clothes, as if she didn’t sleep last night.

“I came over late. I waited. I thought that we could talk.” Her voice is husky, a clear indication that she didn’t sleep.

Abby and Nick trade concerned glances. She rises and walks over to Simon’s bed and sits next to Leah. Up close, Abby can see her eyes are nearly bloodshot and there are noticeable bags signaling her need for sleep. The two had never been friends, but in this moment Abby feels like she understands Leah. Abby doesn’t offer any words, but she puts an arm around Leah and holds her as if they’ll be the glue to keep her from falling apart.

“We’re really over, aren’t we?”

Leah starts to sob into Abby’s collar. They sit like that while Abby nods for Nick to leave the room. He quietly gets up heads to the shower. Abby strokes Leah’s hair while her body heaves until it calms and the tears subside. It’s only been a couple of days. Abby knows this won’t be the last time Leah breaks.

The door to the room flies open. Simon rushes in and beelines towards his closet. He freezes in place once he registers that Leah and Abby are sitting on his bed.

“Leah? Abby?”

Leah lifts her head from Abby’s shoulder and begins to wipe her eyes. She had perfected the art of escaping any situation when she was too angry or too sad in high school. She fought the urge to scream at Simon again and instead turns to look in the opposite direction. She sees the broken picture frame perched on his desk in the same space it was before she smashed it when they broke up. She tries to remember _that_ Simon and _that_ Leah, but the memory seems too distant.

“Simon, I—” Abby stutters, “I think you should leave.”

“No.” Leah stands and walks over to the couch. She picks up a yellow dress that had been draped over the back of it. Abby hadn’t even noticed it yet. “I’m an idiot.” She stares directly at Simon, “I thought that you’d want to see my formal dress. I guess I thought that maybe this was all a mistake.” The tears burn behind her eyes but she won’t release them, “But the mistake was coming here.” She hangs the dress over her forearm and walks by him without another word.

“Don’t go after her.” Abby says plainly when Simon turns to watch the door close. They can hear her whimpers grow faint as she walks down the hall. Simon moves towards the door, “Simon, don’t. You have to let her let go.”

Simon cranes his neck back toward Abby, “I can’t leave her alone like this.”

“She’s not alone. She has her sisters. They will be there.”

“No.” Simon says, “I did this. I need to fix it.” He rushes out of the room, driven by a familial love for Leah and the guilt still lodged deep inside him.

-X-X-X-X-

“Leah! Please stop!” Simon calls as he runs across the Omega Beta Theta lawn, through their driveway, and steps onto Kappa Gamma Delta’s lawn.

Leah stops and turns to face him, dress still in hand, “I don’t want to talk to you.”

“Clearly you do,” Simon retorts, “you were in my room. Were you there all night?”

Leah huffs, “Yes. I sat there, waiting for you, all night. I didn’t sleep. I could barely think!” She turns to move towards the porch, but Simon grabs her arm. She yanks it free and yells, “Don’t touch me!” She finally lets the tears flow.

Simon pulls her into a hug. Her dress falls to the dewy grass as her arms automatically wrap around him. He begins to speak, but his voice is a reminder of all the things he’s done to her. She tries to pull away but he holds her tighter, until she starts hitting him wherever her hands can reach. She yanks free and covers her face and begins throwing muffled insults his way while he cautiously moves closer to her. That’s the funny thing about a broken heart; the pieces lay open for all to see. Any decent person will try to fix it, but they forget that the pieces are sharper than glass and can cut much more readily than they can be put back together.

Leah kneels to the ground and looks at her dress, “I’m so fucking stupid.”

“No,” Simon kneels down as well, keeping a comfortable distance between the two of them that wasn’t comfortable at all, “you’re not.”

Leah’s eyes study Simon, “Yes, I am. Thinking you’d want to see me in my formal dress while you’re clearly off railing some other girl.”

“Leah—“

“Shut up, Simon.” She commands, “I don’t want you to explain.” There’s silence for a moment and she nearly laughs, “It doesn’t matter anyway, the Formal is off.”

Simon doesn’t know if this is bait to change the subject or to re-engage in another heartbreaking exchange. He takes it anyway. “Why?”

Leah shakes her head, “The Classic Center double-booked the space. We lost out. I guess it’s good there’s no Formal, at least that way I don’t have to publicly parade this humiliation.” She motions between the two of them.

Simon’s heart sinks. He’s broken her heart. He’s pissed her off. And he’s humiliated her. She won’t let him give any justification and she’s fencing him in as a cheater instead of someone who’s genuinely struggling with a layer of oppression she can’t fully understand. But then again, isn’t he a cheater? Is this a gay thing? Is it both? He’s got to do something and without the ability to talk to her about the reason behind the break-up his focus fixates on a way to save the Winter Formal.

“I can get a spot for your Formal.”

Leah actually laughs, “The asshole trying to be an angel. You don’t have to do that. I don’t want you to do that.”

He nudges slightly closer to her, “But I want to. You can use our house. I’ll talk to Garrett and work it all out.” UGA, and pretty much every other college and university in the South, operates under the assumption that girls cannot control themselves and so not only puts rules in place to keep boys out of sorority houses, but also won’t allow them to throw parties on their property. Those same rules don’t apply to fraternities. Because misogyny.

Leah’s eyes could have burned him alive if they weren’t still wet from her crying, “GREAT! That way I can parade my relationship status in front of those judgmental bitches!” She motions behind her towards the house. All of the lights are still off, but it feels like all eyes on Milledge Avenue are on them. “No.”

“What if we didn’t tell them?”

Leah pauses. Is she really considering this? She’s not sure, but words are escaping her and it leaves an open opportunity for Simon to continue.

“Leah, you’re not ready to work through this break-up with me and I don’t think this is something we can do alone. We’ve known each other since Kindergarten. I don’t know what my life would be like without you and I don’t want to find out, but I know that it’s selfish that I keep trying to force you to listen to me. I will do anything for you. If that means making the next few weeks easier by keeping this quiet then I will. I swear. No one really knows yet.”

The pause persists, but with slightly bated breath Leah finally whispers, “Okay.”

-X-X-X-X- 

Cheers erupt through the Kappa Gamma Delta sorority chapter room once Simon and Garrett say that they, along with all of the brothers of Omega Beta Theta, are going to host KGD’s Winter Formal, the Snowdrop Ball. Simon can’t help but feel like an imposter while he gains nearly deafening acclaim from the sisters, but Garrett is living his life waving a like newly-elected senator. Nearly 200 sisters, all dressed in business formal wear with their steel gray and turquoise pins gleaming on their chests, begin side chatting with excitement.

“Maddie sent out the memo that Winter Formal was going to be postponed until after the holiday,” Leah whispers to Simon and Garrett, “forgive us for being a little excited.”

Watching Leah bring the sorority back to order from her podium and continue with the chapter programming left him in an odd state of awe. About eight hours ago she was crying on the front lawn, but here she is business as usual and is exceptional at it. Maybe she’s able to compartmentalize better than he is.

“I need the social committee in the day room,” Leah announces as she calls the chapter meeting to a close, “sisters, our risk manager is here from Greek Life and will be giving a short presentation on ways to remain poised and responsible during the Formal and the events after.”

As the risk manager takes the stage the sisters clap politely. She’s in a pencil skirt and a navy-striped top. She doesn’t look like someone who will drone on about how alcohol isn’t cool unless you drink it responsibly, but judging by some of the groans he could hear as he followed Leah and the social committee through the back exit he knew that was exactly what was about to happen. 

Within seconds they were in the parlor and Simon and Garrett are given the run down on the needs for the Formal. Garrett, Omega Beta Theta’s president, and Simon, the asshole trying to be an angel, are floored by how much goes into planning the event. Fraternity parties are so simple to plan. Buy some alcohol, hire a band, put up the tarped fence around the lawn, and throw around some cheap decorations. Not so with a sorority event. Within minutes of talking, the girls realize just how much it will take to get Omega Beta Theta ready for this event.

“Listen,” Maddie turns to Erica, “did you talk to Emma and find out how much we have in the budget now that the Classic Center returned our deposit?” Looking at himself, Leah, Garrett, Maddie, and Anna all in one room together makes him feel like he’s in high school again, just with very different power dynamics.

“Yeah,” Erica scrolls through her phone to find the amount, “we already paid $2,300 for the band, we’ve got the rentals for the chairs and tables and bar at $1,500. Flowers for the centerpieces and the snowdrops for the walkway and dance floor are $4,000. We’ve already paid for the open bar and the food. Are you all cool with us using your house for free?”

Garrett suddenly realizes they’re all looking at him, “Um, yeah, sure." 

“Great!” Leah leans in, “that gives us a few thousand more right? We need to get temporary flooring for their parking lot so we’re not stomping around on old concrete. That plus a stage for the band and the AV equipment.”

“Don’t forget the brothers need somewhere to move their cars.”

“Good thinking, Erica,” Leah smiles, “I’ll talk to ABJ Financial and see if we can use their lot for the night without getting cars towed.”

Simon’s impressed. They really do think of everything. “Is this like a $10,000 event?” Simon’s eyes are wide, “That’s more than our entire yearly budget for our parties.”

Leah cuts her eyes at him and he remembers that they’re not on great terms, “We do things classy over here.” She pauses and almost reluctantly reaches out to take his hand, “ _Sweetie_.” Disdain drips off of the word.

“Aww,” Anna mumbles, “I wish I had a date to Formal.”

Simon could remember some rumbling of how she and Chris broke up shortly after their last party, but he couldn’t remember the details.

“I’m available.” Garrett points both of his thumbs at himself and grins.

Anna guffaws, “I want to take a date that will make people take me seriously. Sorry, Garrett.”

Garrett stands, “Well, we’re off to tell the brothers y’all are taking over our house in two weeks.”

“Thanks, boys!” Leah stands and gives a hug to Garrett then turns to Simon. She’s hesitant for a moment, but remembers she’s in a room full of people and loosely hugs him as well, but in a way that you obligatorily hug someone you don’t want to.

-X-X-X-X- 

“What about this?” Imani walks into the room with ripped black jeans with fringe at the bottom, brown heels, and a white tank top tucked in at the waist.

“A tank top?” Bram’s judgment is clear even though his tone is flat, “in winter?” 

Imani walks over and yanks her gray peacoat off of the coat rack. She puts it on. “Yes, a tank top. I want him to see me cute.” She poses with the peacoat on, a demure expression on her face. “Then see me drop dead gorgeous.” She drops the peacoat to the floor, posing bold and brazen. She cups her breasts in her hand, which are extremely pronounced in the tank top, and makes shooting noises, “These babies will knock him out!” 

“Ew,” Bram chuckles, “If the only color you’re wearing is brown then you’re doing it wrong. Your shoes need to pop. What about those pink wedges?”

“I’m not wearing wedges on this date, Bram!” Imani tosses her peacoat on the couch next to him, “He’s an engineering major! I’m trying to secure our future just in case this business thing doesn’t work out for you and every marketing firm in America is too dumb to hire me after college.”

She disappears into her room.

“An engineering major at UGA.” Bram yells, abruptly adjusting expectations, “Are you sure that’s securing our future? Shouldn’t he have gone to Georgia Tech?”

He ducks when one of the brown heels comes flying from her room towards his head. Her phone buzzes on the coffee table shortly after.

“Your phone just vibrated,” Bram calls.

“Check it!”

“It’s Maddie,” Bram opens the text and reads it out loud, “She says ‘Oh my God, bitch, you’re never going to believe who’s helping us plan our Formal.’ Then she says ‘I feel so nervous being the same room with him.’ Also she really can’t spell.”

Imani laughs, “Her texts are always so dramatic and vague." 

“She just sent another. It says ‘GIRL! He just complained about how expensive Formal is and Leah ripped him a new one.’” Bram waits, “Look’s like she’s sending a picture, it’s downloading.”

Imani steps out of her room, her head cocked to the side while she secures a thin gold hoop earring in her ear. She sees Bram playing her secretary on the couch and suddenly it clicks that Maddie’s talking about Simon. And she’s sending a picture. Before she knows it she’s dived over Bram to yank her phone away and lands on the couch awkwardly, her legs outstretched over his lap like a human plus sign. With her heart racing she stares at her phone to see the picture still hasn’t loaded.

She stares at Bram and smiles goofily, “Sup?”

“Uh, what’s wrong with you?”

“I wanted you to get a close-up look of my pink HEELS,” she holds her foot up in front of his face.

Bram stretches his mouth wide, “Wow, I actually like them!”

“Now are we going to talk about how you had a guy over last night and still haven’t said anything to me about it?”


	11. I Write Sins Not Tragedies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon's starting to feel like things are returning to normal. Maria asks questions about Bram's mystery man. A double date leads to a late night. Someone makes an unfortunate decision.

Life had started to seem somewhat normal again. Falling back into the rhythm of classes, work, going out, and staying in was a reprieve from what proved to be the most emotionally exhausting experience in Simon’s college career. Indeed, he found solace in the smallest things. Eating in the food court with Abby—back to their jovial, light-hearted exchanges over chicken nuggets, salad, and pizza. Talking more about Nick than about Leah and Bram made him feel like he was becoming a friend of Abby’s again and not a crisis case she was frantically trying to support.

Except for the day after the KGD meeting where he told her about his arrangement with Leah. She made it very clear that was a horrible idea.

“You’ve already told her you’ll do it,” Abby said, “but for the record I think this is a self-destruct waiting to happen.”

“She said I humiliated her,” Simon recalled, “I can’t let that happen to her. She knows we’re over. She won’t even talk to me unless we’re in front of people. But this will help smooth things over until we can deal with it after finals.”

“Listen, you were honest with her…at least as honest as she would let you be. That’s all you can do. If you think this will help her, then go for it. Just remember that you don’t have to be the fixer for everything. Sometimes people have to do things on their own.”

Watching Abby and Nick grow closer over the weeks was another one of his favorite things. Many nights he’d be laying on the couch texting or Facetiming Bram, Nick would be playing a video game, and Abby would be sprawled out on Nick’s bed reading. The simplicity of it all was refreshing and it was overwhelmingly cute to watch Nick die on multiplayer because he couldn’t take his eyes off of Abby.

The fraternity house changed bit by bit over the course of the weeks. KGD hired cleaners to come in to begin tidying and even had their house director push in to “revitalize” the common spaces to make them more “southern chic.” Leah expressly forbid Garrett to throw any big parties before the Formal, so most of their drinking happened in their courtyard or on the front lawn. She’d even come over sporadically with Maddie, Erica, Emma, Anna and the rest of the social committee to talk through traffic flow into the parking lot and spaces for the service staff to work the event. Each time she would come over she would text Simon in advance to be sure he’d be there to help them, but would always make an excuse publicly in front of the girls for why she couldn’t stay to hang out afterward. Simon still felt like shit each time, but he couldn’t help but think that things were improving. She needed space and he was giving it to her. She also needed to save face and he was helping her with that as well.

Layers began to peel back between Bram and Simon. He never kept a journal in his life, but Bram was kind of like that for him. He felt like talking to Bram was akin to writing page after page about his life and he was rediscovering himself with each entry. Life seemed so different when he relayed it through Bram. It seemed more hopeful. Things hurt less. He felt like a better person most of the time, except when he left out a few small details. Well, they weren’t small. They were huge. But they were growing fewer by the day.

He could barely get through a shift at work without texting Bram multiple times. One of the details he left out was where he works, because Bram and Maria are close and he hasn’t told Maria that he’s gay. He’s not sure how Maria would process knowing that he was with Leah for most of the time he and Bram were talking. Allegiances are important and he couldn’t risk her telling Bram about the darkest of all his deep dark secrets before he’s figured out how to tell Bram himself.

“Simon,” Laura snaps in his face, bringing him into the present, “we’re literally in the middle of a conversation.”

“Sorry.” Simon shakes his head, “I just need to handle this with poise and rationality. I can’t do that until Leah and I are officially done.”

“You _are_ officially done.”

“I mean until she says I can make it public that we’re officially done.”

“Who’s officially done?” Maria steps into the conversation as she’s on her way back to the host’s stand from seating a table.

Simon’s felt an extra layer of guilt about Maria. They used to be a unit at work and, while they still joke about customers and complain about tips together, there’s been a subtle shift in dynamic that he knows she’s felt.

“I just told Laura.” Simon lies. He’d told her the day after it happened. They had just engaged in a conversation about when and how to tell Bram. “Please don’t say anything, but Leah and I broke up.”

“WHAT!?” Maria’s eyes light up, always one for the drama.

“Yeah,” Simon nods, “she asked me to keep it quiet until after finals because of all the end-of-semester stuff happening with her sorority.”

“Are you okay?” Maria asks, “And, not to sound like an asshole, but is there someone else?”

“Yeah I’m fine,” Simon nods, “and no, there’s not someone else. We just worked a lot better as friends than we ever did as boyfriend/girlfriend.”

“Was it mutual?”

“Not at all,” Simon sighs, “but if it’s not working it’s just not working, right? It’s better to be honest about it.”

Maria nods, “Well, that’s super mature to say.” She then grabs full hold of Simon’s butt, “And I’ve always thought you were cute, so hit me up if you’re looking for another lady friend.” She hip checks him and cackles.

Laura pushes her hands off of Simon, “No, if he’s getting a new girlfriend it’s me.”

They both grab him from each side and start play fighting over him. He finally manages to yank himself away to go check on a table, laughing in the process.

“I feel like we missed a great opportunity to sing _The Boy is Mine_.” Laura says, wrapping an arm around Maria’s shoulder.

Maria wraps her arm around Laura’s waist, “That just means we get to ambush him with it during close out.”

-X-X-X-X-

Imani takes a sip of her malbec and drags her legs up under her on the couch, “He’s like an average white guy, but prettier.”

Maria arches an eyebrow, “Prettier? Like feminine prettier?”

“I don’t think gender norms necessarily apply here. Like if I said average white guy, but handsomer, you’d think Chris Hemsworth or Channing Tatum, right?”

“Maybe, I don’t get the obsession with Channing Tatum.”

“Regardless, he’s like definitely above average, but prettier.”

Maria stares blankly at her.

“I don’t think I’m doing a good job describing him.”

“Not at all.”

“And you can’t,” Bram says as he walks out of his room, “you’ve only seen one picture of him.”

“Well, I had no idea you have a _lover_.” Maria pouts her lips and lowers her voice around the last word.

“He’s not my _lover_.” Bram returns the emphasis. “He won’t even let me kiss him yet.”

“Why?” Maria sips her wine, “If you’d have me I’d be all over you, baby boo.”

“Because he’s not out,” Imani chimes in, “and apparently he wants to save their first kiss until they can have it—where again?”

“In the sun.”

“In the sun.” Imani echoes.

“That’s kind of cute,” Maria says, “and you’re going on a date with him tonight?”

“A double date.” Imani chimes in again.

“Can I talk at all in this conversation?” Bram asks.

“Hush!” Maria smirks. “A double date? So some of his friends know?”

“Yeah,” Imani nods, “but apparently I don’t get to meet him until he’s all the way out.”

“Like waving rainbows?”

“And throwing glitter.”

"And singing  _I Wanna Dance With Somebody_."

"In drag!"

“Y’all know that’s not how it works,” Bram says, “and it’s kind of stereotypical.”

They all laugh.

“Well,” Maria begins, “if he gets trapped in the closet or this doesn’t work out I have a co-worker, Rico, who is very much out, very much hot, and very much single.”

Bram grabs his jacket and slides his arms into it, “I highly doubt I’ll need that, but thank you boo.” He grabs his keys and walks out of the door as the girls yell for him to have fun.

Maria’s eyes light up as soon as the door closes. She turns back to Imani. “So, spill. Everything you know.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“No.”

“UGH!” Maria throws her head back dramatically, “You’re no fun.”

-X-X-X-X-

Simon sits on the inside of the booth with Abby next to him. Nick sits opposite them in the middle of the seat by himself. He’s almost bouncing in his seat with excitement. He’s been begging Simon to let him meet Bram since things with Leah cooled off.  Simon finally agreed to go on a double date with him and Abby, under the condition that Nick does nothing to embarrass him and, obviously, that he doesn’t mention Leah. At least not yet.

“Can you calm down?” Abby asks across the table.

“No.” Nick replies, “You’ve gotten to talk about him for months and you’ve met him. I haven’t because Simon’s clearly embarrassed of me.”

“She’s in Bram’s study group that she never goes to,” Simon protests, “she’s maybe seen him three times.”

“This is kind of adorable.” Abby puckers her lips in Nick’s direction and he gives her a toothy smile.

“Speaking of adorable,” Simon directs their attention towards the front door of The Grill where Bram just walked in. He’s wearing a leather jacket, a blue crew-neck, indigo jeans, and classic chucks. Perfect grammar, amazing body, eyes you can get lost in and swagger to match his style. Simon can’t help but live in a constant state of disbelief that Bram is his boyfriend. Well, they haven’t used that label yet but that’s what Simon is going to go with. Simon waves him over and Bram lights up on his walk over to the booth. Nick gets up and stands in front of him for a second before he goes in for a hug. Simon’s instantly mortified, Abby is beaming, and Bram is laughing.

Bram and Nick slide into the booth together. Nick is opposite of Simon and Bram is opposite of Abby. Simon’s silently grateful that everyone is cognizant of where they’re sitting, because if he were sitting too close to Bram his closet would very publicly explode.

Bram stares straight at Simon, “Hi.”

“Hi.” Simon blushes, “You look good in blue.”

Bram nods. “It’s your favorite color.”

“I can’t take it!” Nick exclaims. “It’s too adorable. Abby help me!”

They all erupt in laughter as their server comes up to the table. She’s a tall red-head with exaggerated wing tips and intentional rips on the sleeves of her shirt. Simon recognizes her immediately.

“Well, bless it,” she announces with a smile and a thicker southern accent than Simon remembers. He probably missed it because Bram took all of his attention that night. “I remember y’all.” She points to Abby and Nick. “I was fixin’ to chase the two of you down the street when you walked out the other night.”

Abby blushes, “I’m sorry, I swear that wasn’t intentional.”

“I know, sweetie. I know awkward when I see it. I was gonna tan y’all’s hide but when I saw y’all talkin’ to these two boys I reckoned they’d pay.” She points to Simon and Bram. “6 of one, half a dozen of the other, you know?”

“Yes ma’am.” Bram says as he laughs.

“Speakin’ of awkward,” she points her pen from Simon to Bram and again from Abby to Nick, “why are y’all spread out.”

None of them really know what to say. Surprisingly, Simon’s the first to jump in.

“Well,” he begins, “it’s kind of like—“

“—say no more, sugar.” She walks over to the counter to grab them glasses of water and slides them onto the table, “I can see a closet from a mile away. I was in one myself for a while. Just make sure you crack the door open because y’all are too cute to hide for long.” She gets their coffee and drink order then she disappears.

Nick announces again that this entire experience is too adorable for him to handle and this time Abby agrees. Nick immediately kick-starts the small talk at the table, which is something Nick’s always been good at. He could have a conversation with a brick wall; it’s why he knows so many people. Bram insists on awkward childhood stories of Simon so Nick starts strong with their first middle school dance. The one where Simon’s first girlfriend told him that she loved him and he told his mom people were drinking at the dance and begged her to pick him up.

“I guess I should have known then,” Nick laughs, “or I should have guessed when Simon insisted on coming to every one of our soccer games but knew nothing about the sport.”

“Soccer calves,” Simon admits, “that’s why it’s my favorite sport.”

“I guess you have a type,” Bram rubs his foot against Simon’s under the table, “I used to play soccer.”

That was a spark to ignite a full dinnertime conversation between Nick and Bram. Watching it unfold sent Simon’s stomach aflutter in a much different way than Bram usually does. It’s almost like Bram’s met his brother and has the Eisner Seal of Approval, which Simon didn’t even realize was so important to him until now.

“He’s amazing, babe,” Abby whispers, “I’m really happy for you.”

“You like him?” Simon asks.

“Yeah,” she playfully elbows him, “and I think he likes me too because he’s been playing footsie with me all night.”

-X-X-X-X-

Bram’s face is alight with embarrassment when Simon tells him he’d been nudging Abby’s foot all during dinner. Abby apologizes profusely, saying she didn’t want to make it weird. He apologizes even more for making it weird. Abby and Nick tell them the next stop is a surprise so they load up in a Lyft without questions. Most of the ride is Nick chatting up the driver and Abby and Bram chatting about how embarrassing it is that Simon knows essentially zero musicals.

They finally unload outside of a yellow cottage-style house in the Woodlands, a gated complex a few miles from campus made up of stand-alone cottage style homes in colors that reminded Simon of Lucky Charms. Music is blaring from inside and there are at least 20 people scattered through the small front lawn and the front porch.

“We’re here!” Abby announces.

“What is here?” Bram asks, “House party?”

“Not just ANY house party,” Abby says as she leads them up to the house, “My cousin Cassie’s girlfriend Mina’s friend Max’s older sister Caitlin’s house party. Everyone here is queer or an ally and there’s no way you,” she points to Simon, “know anyone here. So we can all unwind!”

“Is it bad that I feel like the closet case you’re all constantly trying to hide?”

Bram takes his hand, “I told you. I don’t mind hiding with you for a little while.” He grabs Simon’s hand and presses his lips to his temple, “Let’s dance!”

They make their way into the house and are each immediately stopped and handed a bottle of André by a very drunk guy in his pajamas, “Two rules,” he slurs, “no smoking in the house and always have your André.” He spreads his arm wide and gestures to lines of coolers packed with bottles of the cheap bubbly.

“They do this at least twice a semester,” Abby yells over the music as they move from the foyer, past the stairs, and to the den, “it started Caitlin’s senior year when she moved here from an apartment downtown. She was too broke to buy real alcohol for a house party so just bought a lot of André and history was made.” They all popped their bottles and took the first slightly disgusting sip, “She’s in law school now and even more broke, so, cheers!”

Abby and Nick dive directly into a huddle of people dancing, but Simon hangs back as Bram moves to follow them. He turns to grab Simon’s hand but Simon won’t budge.

“I just feel like we’re in a good place right now and I don’t want to risk it by you seeing me actually dance.”

Bram laughs, “Well since you’re telling me you can’t dance then you can’t disappoint. I’ve got to say I’m not bad, so I actually have a reputation to live up to. I definitely have more to lose here.”

Simon shakes his head and leans against the wall, “I like to keep to the wall and be super mysterious. It’s my vibe.”

“C’mon!” Bram pleads, “If you won’t come out there then I have to come to you.” He drops Simon’s hand and starts backing it up on him while he’s against the wall. He turns on his heel to face Simon, sweeping his shoulders dramatically in the process. “So?”

Simon smiles and gives Bram his hand. They clink bottles and take a sip as he pulls him out into the crowd. Bram pulls him close, presses the full front of their bodies together and says in his ear: “Anyway, look around you, none of these people have any idea what they’re doing. Just do what you want!”

It takes him a couple of songs and about a half of his bottle, but eventually Simon loosens up and starts to enjoy himself. He’s less focused on what Bram’s thinking about what he’s doing and more focused on responding in the moment. Before he knows it they’re both sweating through their shirts and finishing their second bottle of André.

“Can we go outside?” Bram yells over the music, “I need to cool off!”

“Yeah!” Simon yells back.

Bram pulls Simon through the crowd and out the back door of the house. There’s even more people spread out through the back yard and patio, but they find a spot against a dogwood partially shielded from everyone else.

“I’m having so much fun,” Bram says, taking the last sip from his second bottle and pulling Simon up against him. He’s not actually slurring, but he’s also not eloquently separating his syllables.

Simon feigns disgust, “You’re so sweaty,” He pushes himself back to give about an inch of space between them, but Bram pulls him back in.

“It’s just because you make me so nervous.”

“You are such a cheese ball.”

“I’m just honest.” Bram drops his bottle on the ground. One hand is resting on the small of Simon’s back, the other ventures up to cup the back of his neck. He leans down to go in for a kiss, but Simon turns his head so Bram’s lips land on his cheek instead. He groans loudly with disappointment.

“I told you,” Simon says while framing Bram’s face with his hands, “in the sun.”

“Okay.” Bram kisses one of Simon’s hands, “But can I do this?” He lets his hands fall down Simon’s back and rests them on his ass.

Simon smirks, “Bram, we’re in public.”

“That lesbian couple behind you is literally dry humping on the grass.”

Simon cranes his neck to see the scene and then turns back to Bram, “Okay, I’ll allow it.”

Bram’s lips stretch into a smile, “Okay, can I do this?” He leans down and plants a kiss on Simon’s neck. He continues a trail up his neck towards his ear and then nips it.

Simon becomes a bit breathless, “Yeah, yep, mmhmm.”

Bram continues the trail across Simon’s cheek then dramatically ducks back, “Oop, gotta avoid the lips.” His lips reconnect with Simon’s other cheek and he makes his way to his other ear. Simon releases a mix of laughter and heavy sighs. As Bram’s working his way down the other side of his neck their bodies press harder against one another. Bram runs his hands down Simon’s arms, feeling the goosebumps that have prickled up all over them. Simon can feel a sizable bulge pressing against his own and he’s fighting every instinctive urge to start humping Bram like the lesbians behind him. Bram raises his lips from the base of Simon’s neck and blows softly on the wet slick where his tongue had been. Chills course throughout Simon’s body.

“Oooooookay,” Simon steps back quickly, “I’m gonna call a time out here.”

Bram's eyes are essentially maniacal, “Too excited?”

"Me?" Simon aligns his eyes directly to Bram’s erection. It’s extremely pronounced through his jeans against his right thigh, “What about you?”

Bram blushes and moves his hand to cover the sight from other eyes on the yard. Simon chortles at that and takes his free hand, “C’mon stud.” They make their way back into the party and collapse on a free space on the couch while Nick and Abby continue to burn a hole in the hardwood floor. Bram eventually falls into an alcohol-induced sleep on Simon’s shoulder. Simon can’t help but watch him sleep, studying every breath, thinking of how beautiful the night has been.

Eventually, they load into a Lyft. Their first stop is Bram’s apartment. He drowsily thanks them all for a great time, pecks Simon on the cheek, and hops out. Once they’re back at the fraternity house Simon collapses face-first onto his bed. His phone dings with a text from Bram. It’s a gif of Andrew Lincoln from _Love, Actually_ holding up the cue card saying, “To me, you are perfect.”

-X-X-X-X-

Her heart is racing in the worst of ways. When Leah texted her to say they needed to go over the last few details about Formal before all was good to go she assumed it would be at the sorority house, not at her apartment.

“What are you thinking!?” Imani exclaimed, “Inviting her over here!?”

“I didn’t invite her!” Maddie fired back, “She literally texted saying she was in her car on her way over. What was I supposed to say!?”

Luckily, Bram left to go to the gym before Leah arrived. He was dead set on sweating out all of the alcohol he drank the night before.

Sitting around the kitchen’s island, Leah has invoices strewn out for them both to sign and both are crunching numbers on their phones to make sure everything adds up. Maddie is trying to move quickly, which is leading to more mistakes.

“So,” Leah begins, “who are you going to Formal with? I feel like I don’t know anything about your personal life.”

“She’s single.” Imani announces from the couch, “Seems to be a general trend for the girls in this apartment.”

“But I have a date!” Maddie calls back. “I’m going with a guy from our high school. Do you remember Cal? I went to one of the theatre department’s productions and we got a drink after. It was fun so I figured I’d bring him along.”

“Aw!” Leah smiles, “He’s sounds like a lot of fun. Kind of quiet though? And isn’t he—“

“—yeah.” Maddie nods, “Which means I can get as turnt as I want and not have to worry about impressing him.”

The door to the apartment opens and Maddie’s heart falls to the floor. Her nerves are tingling and looking back to Imani proves she’s feeling the same way.

“Bram!” Imani stands up from the couch, “I thought you were going to the gym?”

Bram shakes his head. He’s sweaty and out of breath, “Nah, I just went for a run. I can’t miss my classes today.” He walks towards his room but stops to give Leah a quick hello. Once he’s in his room Leah leans closer to Maddie.

“He’s hot! Why aren’t you taking him?”

 _Because he’s dating your boyfriend._ “I don’t know,” Maddie muses, “I just see him all the time. New experiences, right?”

“Oh my God, Bram, put a shirt on!” Imani commands.

Bram’s re-emerged from his room to get a glass of water. He stands next to the island and chugs the entire glass. “Sorry, I’m hot.”

Leah’s eyes are fixated on his chest for a moment too long. She turns to Imani, “I’m not complaining.” She laughs and starts to pack up the papers she and Maddie had been working on. “I think we’ve got everything. Get ready to party!” She says her goodbyes and walks out the door.

Once Bram’s returned to his room Maddie collapses on the couch next to Imani and whispers, “If this is what the closet always feels like then I feel HORRIBLE for my clothes.”

-X-X-X-X-

Leah sits on the stairwell leading to the first floor of Maddie’s apartment complex for a while. Her legs are weak, her arms are shaking, and tears are streaming down her face. Simon is gay. She knows it. She saw the cross necklace hanging around Bram’s neck, stuck to his chest from all of the sweat.

How could he use her like this? He wasn’t cheating on her with a girl. He was cheating on her with a guy and using her as a beard to cover it up to save his image. How could he give him that necklace? They’ve been together for a year. Has he been with Bram for a year? Longer? Did they start back talking so he could have a cover story?

The crisp December air causes her to shiver through her fleece. She’s never felt more isolated. More alone. That fucking prick! She’s bouncing from rage to sorrow faster than she can keep up with, but the thing she feels the most deeply is dejection.

She rubs her sleeves over her face and pulls out her phone to clean herself up. She does so as best as she can and opens up her messages to text Anna.

_Leah: No need to go with Garrett! I found you a hot date!_

She stands and walks back to the apartment. She knocks lightly on the door and Bram answers it. He’s got his bookbag over his shoulder, keys in one hand and an apple in the other.

“Hey!” He smiles, “Maddie’s in her room, I’ll go get her.”

“No,” Leah smiles back, “I wanted to talk to you. Our Formal is in two days and my friend Anna doesn’t have a date. I was wondering if you wanted to party it up with us? I’m sure Maddie would love that!”

Bram thinks for a moment, “Sure. I’ve never been to a sorority Formal before. Should be fun!”

Leah hugs him, “Oh my God she’ll be so happy. I’ll walk you to your car and give you all the details.”

-X-X-X-X-

On the morning of the Formal Simon wakes up and immediately texts Bram.

_Simon: Morning! Want to hang out later tonight?_

_Bram: What time? I have a party that my roommate’s friend invited me to. I don’t really want to go but kind of have to._

_Simon: Me too. It’ll be late, say 1:00?_

_Bram: My apartment?_

_Simon: Duh._

_Bram: Awesome! Sneak you in then._

_Simon: I’m excited to see you._

_Bram: I’m more excited to see you._

_Simon: Impossible._

_Bram: Totally possible, it’s happening right now._

Simon tosses his phone on his desk and looks out of his and Nick’s bedroom window to the back parking lot. All of the cars are gone and the set-up crew has already started laying down the temporary flooring. He groans loudly thinking about the production today will be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all of the comments and feedback! This is my first fic in a while and I'm glad you're enjoying it so far!!


	12. Love the Way You Lie (Part One)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Snowdrop Ball is tonight and almost everyone Simon knows will be there. Imani tries to help, Maddie reveals the truth, Simon starts to realize something new, and Leah has an announcement to make.

“I’m ready!” Imani calls from her perch in the kitchen, “What’s with all the mystery?”

“You’ll see!” Bram responds, his voice ticking up an octave at the end.

She hears his door open and he struts out of his room. He walks towards the kitchen with a modest bounce in his step. He has on a deep blue suit, a light blue dress shirt, a powder-pink bowtie, knotted studs and cufflinks, and oxblood wing tips. He stops a few feet from Imani and swivels around. Then he squares up, unbuttons his jacket, and poses.

“What do you think?”

“I think what the hell!?”

Bram pouts, “C’mon, do you like it!?” He spins again, holding his jacket open.

“You look so handsome and so expensive, but why?”

“I’m going to surprise Maddie tonight. I’m going to her Formal.”

“Wow!” Imani stands up and walks around the island to give herself time to think. Bram’s going to the Formal. Why is Bram going to the Formal? Why is this the first she’s hearing about it? Does Maddie know? Does Simon know? She stops on the opposite side of the island and turns back to Bram, “Why are you going to her Formal? Doesn’t she have a date?”

“Leah asked me to go with her friend, Anna. Apparently she broke up with her boyfriend last month and is really bummed.”

“Why am I just now hearing about this?”

“Because you have a big mouth,” Bram smiles awkwardly, “at least with Maddie. I wanted it to be a surprise. She hates half of those sorority events anyway so I figured I’d show up and ball out with her.”

“Huh,” Imani knows he can’t go to that Formal, but she’s not sure how to talk him out of it, “are you sure you want to do this? I can’t even get you to go downtown most of the time.”

“Well you said I need to get out more.” Bram waves his hands from his shoulders down to his waist then sweeps them out and raises his chin in the air. “So, I’m out!” He starts towards the door.

“NO YOU’RE NOT!” Imani realizes she yelled and registers the very perplexed expression Bram is sending her way. There’s no good way out of this situation.

Option One: She tells him that Simon is going to be at the party with his girlfriend and breaks his heart. Also, he’ll know that she’s known who Simon is and what he’s hiding for a while. Insert Bram being mad at her, too.

Option Two: She lets him go to the party. He shows up with Anna and sees Simon with Leah. Insert drama throughout the night until he realizes that Simon and Leah are dating. He’s publicly heartbroken. Imani can deny any knowledge but will feel too guilty and it will eat her away until she dies.

Option Three: She tells Bram she’s pregnant and has a mental breakdown. She’s seen enough of this on reality TV. She can totally pull off the performance.

“Why not?” Bram probes.

Option Four: Say nothing until Bram thinks she’s lost her mind and is too scared to leave her by herself for a night.

“Imani?”

She can’t pause any longer. “Sorry, your collar is doing something weird.” She walks up behind him and pretends to fix it. She wraps her arms around him and hugs him from behind. “You look amazing.”

Bram squeezes her hands, which are clasped around his stomach. “Thanks. But you know I’m coming back tonight right? This isn’t like a final farewell.”

Imani pulls back. “Have fun.”

Bram leans in and pecks her on the cheek. “I’m fairly certain I won’t, but we’ll give it a try.”

As soon as the door shuts she whips out her phone and calls Maddie. It goes to voicemail. She can’t really remember what she says on the voicemail, but it’s something along the lines of “If you don’t answer the phone I’ll go over there myself and burn both of your houses down to the ground.” She calls again. She has to leave another voicemail. This one is more panicked. Then she starts texting her.

_Imani: MADDIE! 911! Bram’s going to the FUCKING FORMAL!_

_Imani: Tell Simon to get his shit together._

_Imani: Burn Leah’s dress so she can’t go._

_Imani: MADDIE!_

She follows it up with seven SOS emojis. Each sent separately for added emphasis.

-X-X-X-X-

Despite the fact that he isn’t thrilled to be here, Simon has to admit that Leah and the Social Committee did an amazing job with transforming their house.

The front lawn has concrete-potted poles about eight feet tall lined and wrapped with thick black tarps to shield the set up for Omega Beta Theta’s end of the year party, affectionately dubbed the End of the World party since Y2K. Simon wasn’t even out of Pre-K back then, but apparently everyone thought it was the apocalypse and the party was legendary. The fraternity has recreated it on the weekend before the last week of classes every year since.

To “class it up” they hung netted Christmas lights, all white to match the snowdrop flowers, to illuminate the street-facing side of the make-shift fence. The driveway and the path through to the back of the house is surrounded by arrangements of flowers and the signature snowdrops until guests hit the check-in table. Once there you enter what was their parking lot. Now, there are 20 long tables draped in tablecloths lined with 16 white leather chairs each. Every table has flower arrangements meticulously placed in specific intervals across the tabletops. Full silverware sets and drink glasses for water, wine, and bubbly are waiting at each seat. There’s two bars set up on either end of the wood flooring they installed for the dance floor and a make-shift elevated stage for the band. There’s another bar nestled in their courtyard near the stairs of their patio.

It’s a relatively tight space for the number of people attending, but it’s much nicer than their house has ever looked.

Simon stands at Leah’s side greeting the sisters and their guests after they check in and begin to filter in for cocktail hour. She’s in her yellow dress and he’s in a charcoal suit with a tie to match. Garrett is at the check-in table along with Maddie, Erica, and Emma handing out seating cards and “21 and over” wristbands to signal to the serving staff who’s old enough to drink. Not that it really matters, the sisters just get each other drinks from the open bars. Simon makes sure to grab a glass of champagne each time the servers come around.

By the time cocktail hour is over there’s only a few seating cards left. The girls leave the table while Garrett hangs back to check in the sisters who are running late.

“Where the hell is Anna?” Leah asks.

“I heard she’s freaking out at the house.” Erica shrugs. “Apparently sophomore Michelle invited Chris to come with her.”

“And no one vetoed that!?” Leah’s tone is shrill.

“What was I supposed to say?” Erica’s is shrill too, “She's in good financial standing so I can’t kick her out of the Formal.”

“Can we just go sit and enjoy the night?” Simon asks.

The glare from Leah indicates they can’t.

“Actually, yes.” Maddie smiles and starts the walk to their table, “Let’s just enjoy. Everyone breathe. It’s going to be great!”

They sit at the foremost table. Simon sits next to Leah. Maddie sits next to him and saves the seat on her other side for her date. Erica sits leaving a space for Garrett. Emma and her date plop down across from them and there are two open seats for Anna and her date. The rest of the sorority’s exec board is seated at the opposite end of the table.

“Oh my God,” Leah crunches her appetizer and pulls her phone out of her clutch. “Where is everyone? This is embarrassing. Half of our table isn’t here!”

Maddie pulls her phone out to check hers as well. “Oh!” She announces, “Cal’s here! He just parked.”

Simon chokes on his wine, “High school Cal?”

“Yeah, Cal,” Leah glares at Simon. Her recent knowledge of his sexual preference makes her curious about his reaction, “why?”

“Nothing,” Simon takes another gulp, “just haven’t seen him since high school.”

Leah forces a smile, “Well tonight’s just going to be a night of reunions then!”

-X-X-X-X-

_Leah: Where are you!?_

Anna reads the text and angrily tosses her phone at Bram, who is sitting completely dumbfounded on her bed. The girl was going completely mental when he arrived at the sorority house to pick her up. So much so that their house director chose to forego the rule that boys aren’t allowed in girl’s rooms.

“Please,” she pleaded, “just get her out of the house.”

Bram isn’t sure he can do that.

“Look,” Bram shifts uncomfortably on the bed, “I got all dressed up for this date. That’s got to count for something.”

Anna paces back and forth in front of him. Her short frame mixed with her anger makes for a comical sight, but Bram’s a bit too scared she will assault him if he so much as grins. “Yeah! I’m going to Formal with a gay guy while every other girl has a guy who’s interested in her. I’m basically going stag! And my ex is going with a SOPHOMORE!”

Bram runs his hands along his thighs, “Well I could like pretend I guess. They don’t have to know I’m gay.”

“OH MY GOD everyone knows you’re gay! The rumors have already started going around since Leah set me up with you. I’m going to get judged so hardcore out there. These girls are bitches!”

“Then why pay money to be in a social organization with them?”

“That’s it!” Anna shrieks. “I’m not going!”

Bram shrugs and stands up. “Okay then, I’m going home.”

Anna pushes him back down on the bed, “NO! You’re not going to let me go alone to the most important event of the semester!”

“I mean you said—“

“You’re not going anywhere!”

Bram can tell she’s upset, but he’s finding his tolerance slipping by the second.

-X-X-X-X-

There he is. He’s thumping his seating card as Garrett chats him up on their way over to the table. He’s in an eye-catching yet understated white suit and black tie. Simon had never seen him in formal attire before. Even at prom he was dressed as simple as could be. He always said he hated formal events and Simon liked to tease him about how he must be trying to save his best looks for the stage.

Maddie stands, “Everyone, this is Cal.”

Polite nods and waves are exchanged as everyone tells him their names, as if he’s going to remember a tableful of names on the first go. Once his eyes land on Simon he presses his lips together and instantly sits down. Leah motions for Maddie to switch seats with Simon so they can talk, which lands him sitting beside Cal. They sit in a tense silence for minute, a silence that doesn’t go unnoticed by Leah, before Garrett speaks up.

“Simon, you good?”

Simon nods, “Yeah, just need another drink.”

“You’ve already had two glasses of wine and champagne before that,” Leah says, slight judgment tainting her words, “We haven’t even had dinner yet.”

“I know darling.” Simon stands up to go to the bar anyway. Between courses people get up to mingle and dance, so there are a few people lined up along one of the bars. He goes to the empty one. As soon as he gets his drink Cal slides in beside him.

“Hey.”

Simon scoffs. “Hey? Didn’t think to tell me you were planning on showing up at my house tonight?”

“I’m sorry,” Cal leans against the bar, “trust me, I had no idea I was coming to this house. I almost backed out when I pulled up here.”

The sight of Cal so near to him mixes Simon’s mind up with feelings of anger, nostalgia, and denial. He spent a significant part of his college experience swooning over Cal, dating him, loving him, and then getting over him. Though Bram is forefront in his mind, Simon can’t push down the bile building in his throat.

“You should have.” Simon’s words are cold. He looks over to see Leah and the girls have started to dance and Garrett has moved over to talk to a few of the guys at the next table. Simon starts to walk away toward the refuge of their now empty table, but stops and turns to face Cal.

“How could you do that to me?”

Cal looks nervously to the ground, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for breaking up with you, but you didn’t make it easy for me either.”

Simon shakes his head. “I’m not talking about breaking up with me. I’m talking about cutting me off. It’s been over a year, Cal, and I haven’t heard from you. You never even asked me if I was okay.”

Cal starts to speak, but Simon interrupts him. “You tried to force me to come out and used our relationship as leverage. You break up with me, through a fucking text message, and then stop responding to me. It took me so long to get over you and now you’re back in front of my face at MY house on a date with a girl?”

“She knows I’m gay, Simon, obviously.” Cal sighs, “And anyway I must not have screwed you over too bad. You’ve been dating Leah for a while, or so I hear.”

Simon downs his drink and orders another one, “What was I supposed to do? Tell you that I still love you and would do anything if you would just talk to me again. Oh right, I couldn’t!”

“You could have tried being honest with yourself.”

“No. You don’t get to come here and preach to me about self-acceptance when you essentially secured the fact that I wouldn’t be able to do that.”

“Simon, I—“ Cal is cut off by Maddie.

“Simon,” Maddie grabs his elbow, “I need to talk to you.” She stares at him intently, but realizes that she’s entered a fiery conversation. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah,” Cal says, “just catching up. We haven’t really talked in a long time.”

Maddie nods, “Okay. Cal, can you give me and Simon some alone time?”

He obliges, partially grateful for the break. Maddie pulls Simon off towards the check-in table. The gate to the parking lot is closed now. Anna and her date’s cards are the only ones left on the table.

“So, I need you to breathe very deeply as I tell you this and please just listen.” Maddie glances around to check for people and makes sure they’re out of sight. “I know you’re gay. And I know you’re dating my roommate, Bram. He didn’t tell me. His sister and I saw a picture of you a couple of weeks ago and realized who you are. We haven’t told him that you’re dating Leah or anything about you, actually. He doesn’t know we know you. But he’ll be here at any moment. He’s Anna’s date to this party.”

It’s a bad idea and he knows it, but Simon downs his drink and drops the empty glass on the table.

“Simon?”

He fills his lungs with air. He exhales slowly. He’s already emotionally heightened from seeing Cal and now this puts him on a delicate precipice. There’s no way out of this situation. He starts to panic, but thinking of seeing Bram is oddly calming him down. He’s broken up with Leah. He didn’t know Cal would be here. He’s been honest with Bram about everything else in his life.  He can handle this.  Bram will understand.  At least that’s what he’s telling himself.

“Simon, I’m so sorry.” Maddie continues, “I just found out. Leah invited him one day when she was at my place. Bram didn’t tell me. Imani texted me like 25 times, but I didn’t look at my phone during check-in and I looked it at for a second to see where Cal was and didn’t pay attention to anything else until literally five minutes ago.”

“It’s okay,” Simon says, forcing the words to come out calmly. “I’m not dating Leah. We’ve been broken up for a couple of weeks now.  We are just keeping it quiet until all of this is over.”

Maddie releases the air she’d been holding, “Oh my God! That’s so good to hear!”

Simon takes her hand, “Thank you. For telling me. For keeping whatever you kept a secret from Bram. I’m hoping it’s because you trust me.”

She shrugs, “He’s so into you. Honestly, we didn’t want to break his heart. I didn’t trust you at all. But now I think I do.”

They both laugh.

“Well,” Simon looks at his empty glass, “I’m guessing no more alcohol for me tonight. I definitely can’t be sloppy with this clusterfuck coming about. Especially since you brought my ex-boyfriend as your date.”

“OH MY GOD!” Maddie exclaims, “Cal!? I had no idea!”

“Just another piece of emotional baggage to shove in a corner until I can deal with it.” Simon rolls his eyes. “It’s not your fault. It will be fine. I just need to talk to Bram when he gets here.”

With that he turns to go back to the table. Dinner entrees are being passed out and everyone is making their way back to their seats. Before she follows, Maddie fires off a quick text to Imani.

_Maddie: All clear. Simon and Leah broke up a while ago. I accidentally brought Simon’s ex as my date. It’s messy, but I think it’s manageable._

-X-X-X-X-

Nick is lying across the couch in the den of the fraternity house with his head resting on Abby’s lap. They’re attempting to watch TV and relax before Formal ends and the End of the World party begins. Unfortunately for them, the brothers have already started pre-gaming with loud games of beer pong, flip cup, and snappa. A cup of beer is hit too hard by a ping pong ball and flies off of the table, splashing beer across the floor.

“Really dude!?” Nick exclaims to Wall, “Party foul!”

Abby grins and stands up. She walks over to the bathroom to grab tissues, but is distracted by Anna storming into the house’s front door.

“WHY is the parking lot locked!?” She yells.

Abby immediately ducks into the bathroom out of sight when she sees that Anna is dragging Bram with her through the door and towards the back door of the house. Once Anna is out of sight she runs to Nick.

“Oh fuck, fuck, fuck!” She grabs his hand. “Bram is here!”

“Bram?”

“Bram!”

They both rush to the back of the house, staring out of the window and catching a glimpse of Anna and Bram walking down the stairs of the patio.

“He’s here at the Formal with Leah’s best friend!?” Abby smacks her forehand with her hand.

“What do we do!? Why is he here!?”

“I don’t know and I don’t know!”

“Go distract them!”

Abby smacks his arm, “Seriously!? Me running out there to grab them won’t be any more conspicuous than what’s about to happen.” She pulls out her phone. “I’m texting Simon.”

“Well, get ready for the apocalypse.” Nick runs his hands down his face.

“YEAH!” Wall screams. He’s already drunk. He puts a hand on each of their shoulders. “END OF THE WORLD!”

-X-X-X-X-

“Where have you been!?” Leah immediately begins to interrogate Anna before she’s even sat at the table.

“Processing.” She says flatly. She turns to the table behind them. “Oh, hi Chris. Hi Michelle.” She turns back to her table. “And everyone this is Bram.” She’s clearly not interested in giving him a formal introduction.

People politely say hello. Simon smirks across the table at him. He feels his phone buzz in his pocket, so he pulls it out to check it.

_Bram: Is this your fraternity house?_

_Simon: Yeah._

_Bram: I’m so sorry. I had no idea._

_Simon: I’m not. You’re so fucking hot._

Bram audibly chuckles. Simon notices Leah watching him out of the corner of her eye as she talks to the girls.

_Bram: You’re hotter._

_Simon: Impossible._

_Bram: Totally possible. It’s happening right now._

_Simon: Listen. There’s some stuff we need to talk about. I’m going to go to the bar in a couple of minutes and then you’ll get up in couple of minutes after and follow me?_

Bram looks up from his phone and nods in Simon’s direction. Once he does Cal introduces himself to Bram while Maddie, Leah, Anna, Erica, and Emma are chatting and leaving the boys in relative silence. When Bram hears Cal’s name his face twitches. It’s an expression Simon hasn’t seen before and he’s having a hard time reading it.

_Simon: That’s one of the things we need to talk about._

After a bit of polite table talk their entrees are collected and desserts are placed down in front of them. Simon excuses himself to go the bar, completely ignoring Cal in the process as he had been doing the entire time. He walks up and orders another drink, content to sip on it instead of chug it like he had his previous ones. Bram pops up beside him, leaving a noticeable space between them and orders one for himself.

“So, your ex boyfriend is here.”

“So is my current one.”

“I’m your boyfriend?”

“Well you’re mine, so I really hope so.”

Bram doesn’t laugh. Simon expected him to laugh. “I can’t say I’m not feeling weird about this.”

Simon turns to him. He’s very conscious of his body language. He can’t lean in and touch Bram. It feels off. He doesn’t like it.

“I don’t blame you.” Simon says. “Bram, this is the last, um, bastion of my secrets that I have for you. My fraternity and my fraternity life are really the only things keeping me from coming out. But I’m going to. I swear. And I have a couple of more things to explain, but I think I’m too drunk and this is too public to do it.”

“Then let’s leave. Come back to my place.”

“I can’t.” Simon reaches to touch him but pulls his hand back immediately. “I promised Leah, my friend over there in the yellow dress, that I would support her through this whole thing. But I’ll skip the party after.”

“Why is Cal here?”

Simon turns back to face the bar, trying to hide his smile. “Are you jealous?”

“Wouldn’t you be?” Bram’s tone is more serious than it had been before. Simon feels immediately guilty for smiling. It’s clear he does not understand Bram’s cues tonight. He can’t tell, but it’s like the forced distance between them is making the conversation icier than he feels it needs to be.  He thought his smile was flirtatious, but Bram clearly wouldn't see it that way.

“Bram, I’m sorry. I had no idea he was coming. Maddie brought him. We all know each other from high school. It’s nothing, I swear.”

Bram turns and leans his back against the bar. He’s avoiding eye contact with Simon. It’s very unlike him. “That’s not what I was picking up back there. You were ignoring him. You avoided looking at him. You were honestly a little rude at times. That’s not nothing.”

While they were talking people had begun to get up and dance some more. Simon turns to lean against the bar as well and see’s Leah walking towards them. He catches his breath and says quickly, “I promise we’ll talk about this. Please just trust me. You’re the only person here that matters to me.”

“Simon!” Leah exclaims. “You’ve been at this bar all night! Come dance!” She grabs his hand, not giving him an option. Anna soon follows with Bram. Maddie, Cal, Erica and Garrett are already there. Simon’s secretly relieved because the group is dancing together, making it much easier to avoid unnecessary contact with Leah. She’s being more handsy with him now than she’s been in the past two weeks and he does his best to avoid it. Through the course of the music he’s hyper-aware of the fact that Cal is watching him and Bram is watching Cal watch him. Eventually it becomes a bit too much for him to handle and he walks off towards the bar again. Within a minute Cal is beside him.

“Hey,” Cal says, “so can we talk later tonight? Once people have cleared out?”

“I have nothing to say to you, Cal.” Simon states flatly.

“Everything okay here?” Bram asks, moving to stand in the space between them.

“Yeah,” Cal nods, “we’re just talking.”

“About?”

“Bram.” Simon says. He doesn’t like the direction this is going.

“Why does it matter to you?” Cal asks. His tone is curious, not at all aggressive.

“Cal,” Simon whispers. There are more people around the bar now that the dance floor is flooded. “Bram is my boyfriend.”

Cal looks from Simon to Bram, “But I thought—“

“Thought what?” Bram’s brown eyes aren’t warm like they normally are.

“HEY!” Abby throws her arms around Simon from behind, “Nick needs you! The speakers aren’t working in the front and the party’s about to start!”

“Sorry,” Cal stares at the ground and shakes his head, “I made a mistake.” He backs away towards Maddie.

“Simon—“ Bram begins but Anna has secured her hand around Bram’s wrist.

“That sophomore is dry humping Chris all over the dance floor!” Anna exclaims. “Come on! I need someone to back this ass up on!”

Simon can tell Bram’s thinking about snatching his hand from her grasp, but he allows himself to be pulled away. He turns to Abby, “That was horrible.”

“I could tell. We’ve been watching since Bram got here. You should really check your phone. I tried to warn you! When I saw the three of you at the bar together I knew this wasn’t going anywhere good. How did Cal end up here?”

“He came with Maddie.” Simon leaves his drink at the bar and starts off towards the house with Abby. “Thank you for the cover. I swear I’ve never seen Bram so tense. Are the speakers really not working?”

Abby smirks and pulls out a rolled up AV cord from her hoodie. “Nope, I have no idea what’s wrong.” She winks.

Simon laughs and wraps an arm around her, “You really are fucking fantastic.”

They are almost at the steps to the patio when they hear an announcement.

“SISTERS!” Leah exclaims through the band’s microphone. Simon and Abby turn to see her up on stage, her yellow dress glowing in the stage lights. “I hope you all LOVED the Snowdrop Ball, but now it’s time for us to all change and party with the Omegas! They were nice enough to let us use their house to throw this event and I feel like it would only be right to make this the most legendary frat party in UGA history!”

Everyone cheers loudly and Leah continues, “But we have two brothers in particular that we really need to thank. Where are Garrett and Simon?”

Simon’s heart drops as soon as his name is called. He and Abby try to nudge back to the patio but people towards the back of the crowd see him and call him up. He walks past a lot of smiling faces. He sees Bram’s face, which he still can’t read. He sees Maddie’s and she’s obviously anxious.

“Everyone,” Leah continues once he and Garrett are on the stage, “give Garrett a huge round of applause. He let us use this space for FREE which meant more alcohol for you!” Cheers erupt on cue.

“And,” Leah turns to Simon. She takes his hand in hers. “Cheers for Simon. He’s the one who came up with this idea in the first place. My wonderful boyfriend! It’s been an amazing year with you, babe!” She pulls him close to her and plants a kiss firmly onto his lips. His instinct is to pull back, but there are hundreds of eyes on him. He can’t.

Cheers erupt even louder and Leah releases him. She turns back to the crowd, “NOW LET’S PARTY!” Again on cue, people start to shuffle out of the area and towards the house.

Simon glares at Leah, “What the hell was that!?”

Leah leans in close to him. The microphone is away. It’s just the two of them on the stage.

“What?” She whispers. “You didn’t want your boyfriend to see you making out with your girlfriend? I’m sorry, I guess I was confused.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had to break this up into two chapters, it was getting way too long. Part 2 is coming soon! Thanks again for your feedback/comments/kudos and love!


	13. Love the Way You Lie (Part Two)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Snowdrop Ball is tonight and almost everyone Simon knows will be there. Leah made her announcement. Now everyone is trying to deal with the fallout.

Simon’s mouth hangs open. It’s more-so out of a lack of something to say than out of shock. Why wouldn’t life throw something like this his way when things were starting to feel normal again? Of course she would do something like this. Why wouldn’t she? Is he allowed to be mad at her after all the things that he’s done?

He turns to look out to the crowd of people forming two streams moving in two directions. One is moving to the right up through the patio and into the fraternity house. The other is moving to the left down the driveway, either to go change to come back for the party or to go get their cars. He can’t see Bram in either.

“I hope it was worth it.” Simon looks down to the floor of the stage. He’s not sure if he’s more furious or distraught, but he’s no longer wondering if he can aim those feelings at Leah. He’s definitely going to. “I hope you got whatever you wanted out of this.” He turns to face her. “We’re done. I’m _never_ speaking to you again.”

He turns back to look at the crowd. Tears burn behind his eyes. All he wants is to see those brown eyes looking back at him and they’re nowhere in sight. He pulls his phone out as it starts to vibrate.

_Abby: Simon, I see Bram!_

_Simon: Where!?_

Watching those three dots is enough to throw Simon into cardiac arrest. Her text finally comes through.

_Abby: He’s going towards ABJ. I’ll go get him. Wait here._

_Simon: No, I’m coming._

He hops off the stage and takes off in the direction of ABJ Financial. He’s having trouble squeezing through the number of people and takes his phone out once it buzzes again.

_Abby: No, Simon. I don’t think that’s a good idea. I’m going to try to get him back to the house so you can talk but DO NOT follow him._

_Simon: Why?_

_Abby: Just please let me try to convince him to come back, calmly._

_Simon: Ok. I love you._

_Abby: I love you too._

-X-X-X-X-

Leah takes a moment to watch the guests filter out. The service crew has begun to break down everything they set up for the event. Bottles of alcohol are clinking as they’re packed away, tables are slamming as they are folded, and chair legs are knocking against one another as they are stacked. By the time Leah makes her way off of the stage everyone is gone save for one person standing in the middle of the dance floor amidst the cacophony of sound. Maddie’s standing there with her arms folded, foot tapping on the faux wood flooring. Her lips have disappeared because she’s pressing them together so hard.

“What in the actual fuck was that!?”

Leah laughs and rolls her eyes, “I don’t know. Simon’s mad about something. He’s been on one the past few days.” She keeps walking past her.

“NO!” Maddie balls some of her dress up in her hands so she can walk uninterrupted, “You’re on one. I know what you just did up there! That was so fucked up, Leah!”

“You know?” Leah stops and turns to face Maddie.

“Yes, Leah, I know!” Maddie let’s her dress fall to the ground. “I know about everything, including that the two of you are broken up. How could you do that up there!?” Her hands clap with each of the words in her final sentence.

Leah scoffs, “How can you ask me that? Do you know what _he_ did?”

“YEAH!” Maddie’s eyebrows lift up and her mouth is open wide, “That doesn’t give you the right to fuck with people’s emotions the way you just did. Bram is my friend and you’ve hurt him. Intentionally. Deeply. Just to get back at Simon? He broke up with you, Leah! Let him go!”

“This is none of your goddamn business,” Leah steps up closer to her, “and the fact that you knew about this makes it all the more worse. You could have warned me.”

“I’ve only known about it for a couple of weeks.” Maddie sighs, “It sounds like that’s how long you and Simon have been done, anyway. I’m going to say this and then you can go live your life. I feel really sad for you. You’re so hell-bent on getting your revenge that you’re not thinking about who you’re hurting. Sure, spend as much time as you want digging a grave for Simon but don’t forget that meanwhile you’re digging one for yourself, too.”

Leah rolls her eyes and turns to leave, but Maddie grabs her arm.

“Listen to this too.” Maddie stares her down. “If you _ever_ gun for Bram like that again I will personally slap the shit out of you with my clutch and roundhouse kick you in my heels.”

Leah’s eyes flare, but she yanks her arm away and walks away. Maddie immediately pulls out her phone.

_Maddie: Imani, Bram’s on his way home. Shit went real south. I’m going to stay here to make sure Simon’s okay. I’ll tell you everything when I get home._

Her phone immediately starts to ring. She answers it.

“NO BITCH!” Imani exclaims, “Tell me now!”

-X-X-X-X-

His shoes are clicking on the pavement of the parking lot as he scurries towards his car. He’s not quite running, but he’s trying to get into his Tahoe as fast as possible. He’s about to lose it and he doesn’t do things like that in front of other people. He clicks the keyless entry to unlock the doors and grabs the handle, but a hand covers his before he can open it.

“Bram. Please. Stop.”

He snatches his hand away from her and turns away. He wants to yell, but he doesn’t. “Please just leave me alone.”

“Bram.” Abby cautiously reaches out to place a hand on his back. She can feel how deep he is breathing. “I’m so sorry, babe.”

Bram’s breath catches in his throat, sounding almost like a hiss. He turns quickly and stares at Abby. “You’re sorry? Are you really going to sit here and pretend like you didn’t know about any of this?”

Abby shakes her head, “No. I’m not. But there’s a little bit—a lot—of information you’re missing and I want to see if you’ll let Simon clear it up.”

Bram leans back away from her, sneering. “Oh, he sent you? You’re here running his errands, doing his dirty work, because he can’t face me?”

She was right. This isn’t the same Bram she’s accustomed to. “No one sends me anywhere, my love, I’m a grown woman. I followed you because I saw you were upset and wanted to help, if I could. I asked Simon to stay back and the house and wait for you.”

A small tear, almost unnoticeable, escapes Bram’s eyes. He swats it away before it can roll all the way down his cheek. “I’m sorry, Abby. This isn’t me. I’m just so mad right now.”

Abby steps forward cautiously. She wants to make sure she has consent to try to comfort him. It’s so much easier with Simon. She can read his non-verbals better than most 3th graders can read _Magic Treehouse_ books. Bram is harder.

“I’m going to hug you.” Abby says as she starts to wrap her arms around him. He stands a good foot taller than Abby and does not lean in for it, so it feels somewhat akin to hugging a tree. She removes her hands once she realizes the hug isn’t helping. “Do you think you could talk to him?”

Bram shakes his head, “No. I’m sorry, Abby. We’re through.”

“How can you say that?” Abby realizes she’s pleading. “He loves you Bram. I don’t know if y’all have said it but he does. This whole thing with Leah is an accident, a mistake, he was trying—“

“It wasn’t an accident.” Bram interrupts, his tone is weak, but his eyes are still cold. “When she was talking about them being together for a year I remembered something. I remembered being in the SLC with Maria, her whispering to me about how you and Simon were together and cheating on Leah. I had forgotten about it up until now. I didn’t even really think about it after that. But it clicked. He’s been with her for a long time and he wasn’t cheating on her with you. He was cheating on her with me.”

“It’s not like that. I swear.”

“It is.” Bram stares at the concrete. “My parents are divorced because my dad did the same thing.”

“But you guys never—“

“It doesn’t matter.”

She knows that. She told Simon that. She just doesn’t know what to say to fix this. She finds herself at a loss for words and they stand in silence for a moment, until Bram starts to loosen his tie and unbutton his collar. He reaches behind his neck and moments later pulls the cross necklace from under his shirt. He puts it in Abby’s hand.

“Please give this back to him.”

She can’t help it. Thinking of Simon’s face when she brings that necklace back to him. Thinking of the implications of what this means. It leads her to cry.

“I can’t do this Bram.” She tries to give it back to him but he won’t take it. “Bram please take this back.” She grabs his wrist tries to force his hand open.

He’s crying now too. The parking lot is starting to empty out a bit, but people passing on foot or in their cars are watching them intently. To any onlooker this is a lover’s quarrel. They have their hands locked together, their foreheads are pressed against one another, and they’re both streaming hot tears in the cold night air.

“I’m sorry, Abby.” Bram pulls himself away and jumps into his car.

Abby stares at him for a moment. Her breath is staggered on her exhales because of how hard she is crying. She’s able to get her breathing under control while she stares emptily at the pendant in her hand. She takes one final look at Bram before she starts to walk back to the fraternity house. As she walks back she texts Simon.

_Abby: Simon, meet me in the back. We have to talk._

-X-X-X-X-

Simon is sitting alone on the stage. Pretty much all of the tables and chairs are gone now. They’re working on removing the flooring and cleaning the courtyard, meaning no one is out there except for him. He knows it’s not good, but he grabbed a bottle of Maker’s from the bar. The service staff didn’t put up a fight about it, probably because they saw him and Leah on the stage earlier that night.

He can see Abby through the driveway walking across the street. Once she passes the open gate he can see she’s crying, or has been at least. Once she’s a few feet away from him he sees a small piece of a gold chain exposed through her fist.

He doesn’t make a sound, but Simon’s chest starts to heave. He puts a hand over his mouth, intent on not letting a sound escape his lips. He can’t break down so publicly.

Abby puts the necklace down on the stage next to him. Her eyes connect with his and she puts her hands on his knees. It’s all as if to say “If I could take this pain, I would.” But she doesn’t say anything. She doesn’t need to.

Simon tries hard to not make a sound. His body won’t cooperate. Tears break the seal between his eyes and his eyelids and they flow freely. He clings to Abby for dear life while gut-wrenching sobs tear through his chest. He presses his face deep into her collar trying to muffle the moans clawing their way out of his throat.

-X-X-X-X-

Nick pulled Leah to the back door of the house. He said he had something to show her. What he wanted her to see was Simon on that stage in the back with only Abby’s arms to keep him from falling apart.

“He’s broken.” Nick says. “You did that.”

Leah crosses her arms and stares at him, still in her yellow dress from Formal. “I didn’t do that, Nick. Do you _know_ what he did to me!?”

“Don’t look at me.” Nick says, “Look at him.” He nods back out to the yard. “I know what he did to you, Leah. I’m sure I don’t know everything, but I know enough. I’ll be honest, I made a choice over a month ago when I found out he’s gay. I chose to keep his secret. He didn’t even know that I knew for a while. I knew he was with you. I knew he was gay. And I made a choice. But he didn’t. He didn’t choose to be gay. He didn’t choose to be with you when he realized he couldn’t be straight. He hated himself every day.

“I’m not sure, but I think when he met Bram things started to change faster than he could keep up with. We haven’t really talked about it, but I think Bram made him realize that he couldn’t live a lie. He wanted to live a lie with you, I’m sure because you were the most important person in his life up to that point.”

“Nick, I don’t have time for this.” Leah starts to back away.

“Oh, I’m not done.” He turns from the door to face her. The entire house is dominated by the sights and sounds you would equate with a college frat party, but his focus is entirely on her. Despite the loud music it feels like the only sound is between the two of them. “I guess I’m rambling because I don’t know what to do to make him feel better. I also don’t know what to do to make you feel sorry about it. I guess if you wanted him broken, you did that. Congratulations. You wanted to fuck over Bram. Congratulations. You did it. You wanted to reduce Maddie to tears? That’s also happened tonight. I don’t know how I’m going to help Abby process this as well. Hell, if you wanted to out Simon I’m sure you could have. You may still be able to if you want to keep fucking with people that I love. You’ve also affected me tonight, too. You’ve pissed me off. I hope this is everything you wanted, because you’re not welcome here at this house anymore. I don’t care if that means we can’t do events together or say we hang with KGD’s for campus cred. You need to leave.”

He looks at her face. Her expression is motionless and unreadable, like those statues in museums that have weathered beyond recognition. She turns and leaves through the front door without a word.

Garrett appears by his side moments later. Nick’s heart drops. They’re trading glances without words that speak more than words could.

“I’m sorry,” Garrett says, “some of the guys were talking about Simon being back there drinking and crying and I was going to go check on him. You and Leah were talking…I’m sorry I heard and I shouldn’t have.”

Nick’s still silent.

“Listen,” Garret puts his hand on his shoulder, “no one needs to know. If guys are talking about it I’ll just say they broke up. I’ll say I don’t know why.”

Nick nods and Garrett starts to walk away.

“Hey,” Nick says, “could you try to make sure no one comes out back?”

Garrett nods, “Of course.”

-X-X-X-X-

“I need to talk to him.” Simon says suddenly. He had stopped convulsing, but had been quietly resting on Abby’s shoulder.

“No, baby,” Abby pulls back to look at him, “you’re too drunk. He’s too mad. You’re both too sad. Wait until tomorrow.”

Simon slides down off of the stage onto his feet, leaving the half-empty bottle of Makers on the stage. He can’t remember if he drank all of it or if some of it had already been used when he got it. He doesn’t really care either way. All he can think about is getting to Bram.

“Simon,” Abby starts to follow him as he’s walking off, “no. Please stop.”

Nick sees this and rushes out of the back door. Maddie and Cal follow behind him, but Maddie holds up her hand to hint that Cal should stay back. They catch up with them as they’re nearing the driveway.

“Simon,” Nick pleads, “Abby’s right. Just stop.”

“I swear I’ll talk to Bram in the morning.” Maddie says.

“I know how you feel, but this isn’t going to help.” Abby tries to grab his hand, but he snatches it away.

Simon turns quickly to face the three of them. “YOU DON’T KNOW HOW I FEEL!” It could be considered yelling, if the music and party cheers weren’t so loud throughout the entire property. Maybe he is yelling.

Somewhere inside of him he feels like he’s watching this all happen and can’t possibly control himself. Maybe he can and he just doesn’t want to anymore. He’s controlled himself for his entire life. He wanted to break down and wallow when his mom got sick, but Nora and his dad would have fallen apart. He wanted to be friends with Leah, but she wanted something more and he stupidly went along with it. He wanted to break up with Leah and run to Bram as soon as they started talking, but he couldn’t break her heart. He wanted to come out of the closet, but he felt like he waited too long.

He wants to be with Bram and that’s the one thing he feels he can still have.

He storms off again towards the parking lot. He can hear them telling him he can’t drive drunk and that they’ll drive him but he can’t let go of his keys. If he lets them go he knows they won’t take him. They’re doing everything they can to keep him away from Bram.

Once he’s made it to the lot Nick tries to take his hand and he snatches it away again, speeding up his pace. His eyes frantically dart around trying to find his car. When he does he props himself up on the door and tries to put the key in the lock. He misses. He tries again and misses again. He closes his eyes tightly, pressing them closed as hard as he can, and his resolve fades.

He’s drunk. Probably wasted. He’s not sure. But he knows he’s gone too far. He turns and rests his back against his driver side door, the three of them all looking at him with a mix of horror and despair clouding their eyes. He’s cried so much he doesn’t think he can do it anymore. He’s made a fool of himself storming across the street to try to get to someone who left him.

He left him.

Simon looks around the lot. There’s maybe 20 cars left. None of them are Bram’s.

“He left.” Simon says.

Nick, Maddie, and Abby all stay silent. What is there to say?

Simon's deflated, “He’s done with me.”

Nick walks up and puts his arm around Simon, “C’mon buddy, let’s go back to the house.”

With his shoulders slumped and his gaze fixed on the ground, Simon walks along with Nick without any resistance. Once they walk down the driveway for what seems like the hundredth time of the night they see a parking lot instead of an event space. The last thing the crew is taking down is the stage, so Simon sits on the stairs of the patio.

“I just want to be alone.”

They all leave him there, but Abby makes sure he knows they’ll be just inside the door if he needs anything. He’s not sure if they’re there to support him or babysit him at this point, but he’s so exhausted he doesn’t really care.

He pulls out his phone to see no missed calls. No texts. Bram hasn’t tried to reach him. He puts his phone back in his pocket. He rests his head on the railing and closes his eyes.

-X-X-X-X-

Simon opens his eyes. Within seconds he’s hit with a sharp pain behind his eyes that reverberates rhythmically through his head. He opens his mouth to yawn but it makes pain worse. He’s disoriented, but eventually pieces it together that he’s hung over. Extremely so. He closes his eyes hoping that the pain will go away, but he has no luck. He reopens them and is suddenly aware of the sunlight beaming into the room. It sounds like it’s ringing, if that’s even possible. He sees that Nick’s bed lays made and vacant along the opposite wall. He squints and sees the door is closed with the knob locked.

Then he feels it. A steady sensation spreading across his neck. He recognizes it all too well. He’s breathing on his neck. Next, he feels the arm wrapped around his stomach. Simon feels a bit of relief. The fact that he’s ended up here with him makes him feel better, but now he’s suddenly aware that he’s still in his fraternity house after their biggest party of the year. Brothers will be everywhere this morning. He tries to think while his brain beats against his skull. He can feel every heartbeat in his head as if his heart has permanently re-located. That’s when the memories from the night before come flooding back to him.

He can’t remember how he got from the patio to his bed. He feels like he’s missing a step in his night. A huge step. He’s in bed with Bram so something major happened.

Then he hears a whisper in his ear. “Hey, are you awake?”

That’s not Bram.

Suddenly Simon is hit by disorganized recollections. He thinks he remembers Leah crying and Abby trying to console her. Nick was talking to Garrett for a while. He remembers Maddie apologizing to Cal for something. What echoes in his head the loudest is his and Cal’s voice while they sat side by side outside.

“Tell me you still love me.” Simon remembers saying this, possibly on the verge of tears.

He remembers Cal saying, probably with the most sincerity he'd heard the entire night: “I never stopped.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter was super hard to write. I love drama (obviously, by reading this fic I'm sure you know that) but I hate the idea of Bram and Simon fighting. I re-wrote this a couple of times and am just now posting it at 3AM because I don't think there's a way for this to roll out that I can be happy with because there's no happy way to have them break down at this level.
> 
> So that's a little rant-y, but thanks for all the love!


	14. If

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The truth is supposed to set you free. In this case, Simon disagrees.

Simon freezes. He breathes softly, keeps his head still, and tries to fight his urge to jump out of the bed. He doesn’t know what he will do or say if Cal starts speaking to him again. In the ephemeral moments leading up to Cal’s next words he feels a strong pang of guilt. It begins in his chest and seeps out to his limbs, sending unpleasant electricity throughout his body until he can feel what he’s done in every fiber of his being. Bram, Leah, Cal, Abby, Nick, Maddie…he can continue on and on with the people he could have impacted with his choices last night. He’s having a hard time processing it all.

“Good morning.” Cal whispers the words directly into his ear.

Despite the grogginess in his mind, his blurred vision, and his inability to speak he can register one fierce thought. He hates him. Nearly from the instant Cal speaks again he can feel an automatic shift in his movements, as if an operator is moving his limbs for him. Simon’s no longer nestled in his warm embrace. Before his eyes have time to catch up with his quick efforts to be out of that bed he is suddenly standing by it staring at Cal. Cal’s bewilderment at his reaction angers him to no end. The hatred Simon’s feeling towards Cal bounces off of the boy’s unassuming expression and back into Simon’s own body. It’s then that Simon realizes he doesn’t hate Cal. He hates himself.

“What’s wrong?” Cal asks.

“WHAT’S WRONG!?” Simon shouts. “WHAT HAPPENED!?”

Cal’s eyes are wide, “What do you mean?”

“Did we have sex?” Simon’s tone is just as edgy, but not as loud as before.

The accusatory tone in Simon’s statement twists Cal’s confused look into one of infraction, almost as if his words have offended him.

“You honestly think I would do that? Look at yourself.”

Simon follows the command. His feet are wrapped in black socks, his grey dress pants hang sloppily from his waist, his dress shirt is on and unbuttoned. He looks back to Cal and sees he’s in similar shape, minus the shirt. He closes his eyes tightly and presses his thumbs against the lids. He scrapes away at them as if it will clear his clouded memory, but finds it only intensifies his piercing headache. Instead he begins to rub his temples as his chest expands and contracts in deep, calculated breaths. He’s suddenly very nauseous from moving so quickly and grabs onto his desk chair to steady himself.

“I remember what I said.” Simon resigns from barraging Cal with allegations and instead focuses on what he knows. “I remember asking you to tell me you still love me. I remember you saying you never stopped.”

Cal nods. “All true. But then you tried to make out with me on the patio and when I said no you started crying…a lot. It took me, Nick, and Abby to get you upstairs quietly. Then we got into the room and you tried to take off my clothes. I tried to leave but you started yelling. You were being so loud and the party was dying down so I told Abby and Nick I would take care of you. They left and I locked the door just in case someone came in. You tried again, but I said no again then you started talking about how you made a fool of yourself, what you did to Leah, what you did to Bram, how you were confused by me, how you really wanted Taco Bell, how Abby was going to kill you, how Maddie was going to kill you, how Leah was going to kill you, and how you were going to avoid them all so Bram could ignore you to death.”

Simon furrows his brow and smacks his lips, “Well.”

"Yeah, you texted him a lot."

Simon's suddenly grateful that he doesn't know where his phone is.

Cal continues, “I’m only in bed with you because I tried to sleep on the couch and you said you needed me beside you. You said it would help you sleep.”

Simon stares at Cal quizzically. His initial reaction, that of betrayal, is evidently an inaccurate response to the events of the night before. Cal could have had sex with him easily. Simon threw himself on the beautiful, blonde haired boy with the sole intention of losing what was left of his virginity, his “gay virginity” as he calls it. The last time he can remember using those words were with Bram. It’s all coming back to him now.

“Simon,” Cal stands and walks up to him. He stands about the same height as Simon. Simon immediately notices how different it feels than with Bram, who is a bit taller. Cal runs his hands down Simon’s arms. He can’t lie to himself; he enjoys the contact. “I wanted to. I think you knew I did. But we never did more than kiss when we were together. Why would I go all the way with you when you’re wasted and torn up about this guy? Obviously, patience is my strong point.”

Patience. Simon starts to examine his word choice, as if it meant that Cal had never _actually_ broken up with him. Maybe, just maybe, Cal was waiting for a time when he and Simon could be together openly. If that logic follows, maybe Cal refusing to talk to him after he couldn’t come out was a strategy to get him to come out sooner. It’s a repulsive strategy, but one that could have ended with them openly together.

Simon’s confused. He knows it. He knows that he no longer has to fix things with everyone else, but Cal is his responsibility now, too. He collapses into a tight embrace from Cal, even though a very prominent Abby-sounding voice in his head tells him not to. The consolation in his arms is immediate and he’s instantly transported to a place he’d been in over a year before. A place of acceptance and safety, at least before Cal took that away from him.

Cal plants his lips on Simon’s forehead. Simon quickly pulls back, but the motion causes his head to spin even more. Why is he kissing him? It's on the head, but really why are his lips anywhere on him? Did he give some kind of signal that he wanted that?

“We should talk.” Simon states plainly.

Cal nods, “Yeah, we should.”

A loud knock at the door jolts both of them. Simon’s panic starts to set in. Cal is gay, everyone who was anywhere near them last night must know that. He motions for Cal to hide while his head rings even louder. He hobbles to the door and opens it slightly, only to have Abby push it open.

“SI-MON,” she slams the door closed. She’s yelling, but in a whisper. “Did you!?”

“No!” Cal exclaims immediately, “I told you we wouldn’t!”

“Oh, thank GOD!” Abby collapses on the couch, where Simon had also plopped back down. She instantly looks guilty and turns to Cal, “Not that you’re—I mean—He was just so adamant—and he—”

“I know.” Cal sighs.

The door flies open again and Nick rushes in.

“Wait!” He glances quickly at all three of them, “Did they?”

“No.” They all say in unison. Cal continues, “I feel like we should operate under the understanding that I value consent.”

“Thank GOD!” Nick collapses on the couch next to Abby.

The door flies open again and Garret rushes in.

“I heard some noise down here.” He closes the door. “Wait.” He points to Cal. “Did they?”

“Why is he here?” Simon asks, ignoring his question.

“Because I wanted to check on you.” Garret responds.

“He knows.” Cal says.

“He knows!?” Simon exclaims.

“Long story.” Nick states.

“You know!?” Simon turns to Garrett.

“Just assume everyone in this room, and no one else, knows.” Abby runs her hand over her forehead. “But I swear to God if left to your own devices the entire frat would know you’re gay.”

“It’s cool.” Garret says, “I swear I’m like totally supportive and definitely won’t say anything.”

Simon groans loudly and covers his eyes, “I can’t deal with this. I’m too hungover.”

“When you’re considering drinking straight from a bottle of alcohol for a prolonged period of time a good rule of thumb is to, like, not do that.” Nick shrugs.

“Coming from the guy that literally passed out on the sidewalk two months ago?” Garret asks. “And slept there for an entire night?”

“Thank you, Garrett.” Simon moans.

“All of you shut the hell up.” Abby commands, “We need to talk about last night.”

-X-X-X-X-

Maddie and Imani watch as Bram walks out of his room and to the kitchen. It’s one o’clock in the afternoon. They’ve been sitting, pensive, on the couch since nine in the morning. Bram came in last night before Maddie got back and stormed past Imani into his room and slammed the door. She tried to get him to come out and even tried to go in, but he locked the door. She pulled out every trick she had learned from her mother to stoke him just right to get him to emerge, but nothing worked. Once Maddie got back she filled Imani in on the night.

“I know he’s wrong,” Maddie said, “but seeing him so torn up--I just can’t believe that he was trying to fool Bram. I don't believe that he was using him. I’ve never seen someone so depressed before.”

Now, they watch Bram open the refrigerator door to pull out a seltzer. He stands at the island sipping and staring through the living room and out their window overlooking the rest of the complex.

“So,” Imani starts awkwardly, “are we going to talk?”

Bram takes a prolonged sip of seltzer, “About?”

Imani shifts her gaze to Maddie, “Told you.”

“Told her what?” Bram’s inflection is pointed.

“That you refuse to acknowledge human emotion when you’re like this.”

“Like what?”

“Upset.”

“I’m not upset.”

Imani shakes her head, “Bram. Bubba. Yes you are.”

Bram picks up his can and starts back towards his room. Imani darts to the door and blocks his path. “Nope.” She grabs him by his sides and starts to push him back towards the couch. “We’re not doing this. We’re talking about this.”

Bram follows course and falls to the couch. He sits upright, staring ahead, with no words spoken to either of them. This is how he deals with his inner turmoil. He has ever since he found out their father wasn’t the rock star he imagined. Their mom tried so hard to cover up the reasons behind the divorce, but as with most broken couples their fights were frequent at the end and their middle-school ears were too wide to miss it all. Bram wouldn’t talk to them about it, wouldn’t talk to the therapist his mother sent them to, and wouldn’t acknowledge his father’s existence for months.

If it hadn’t been for the custody agreement he could have probably gone the rest of grade-school without seeing him. If it hadn’t been for how supportive he was when Bram came out he may have never spoken to him after he turned 18. Bram says they accepted him because they knew if one supported him more than the other then it would have made it even weirder, but Imani thinks his father may not have been so supportive if Bram hadn’t hated him so much before that. Somewhere along the line they started to get along again, so much now that they talk at least once a month. It’s not a lot, but it’s progress.

“We’ve been listening to you listen to that Todrick Hall song all morning. All we hear is _Type_ over and over again. So sulk if you want, but this is going to end with you talking to us.”

“Imani!” Maddie gasps. “You can’t say that!”

“He _is_ sulking!”

“I’m not sulking.”

“You are!”

“What do you want me to do?” Bram clenches his fists. “Do you want me to cry? To wail about how much I cared about him? About how I’m in the affair and not in the committed relationship in this situation? I’m not going to do that. It’s done.”

She did it. Even though her heart breaks for him, she feels a little smug that it only took her a few minutes to get him talking.

“I want you to do what you need to do to take care of yourself.” Imani places a hand on the back of his neck. “But I can’t let you sit alone and not have a support system.”

“My support system needs to figure out that all I need is alone time.” Bram says. “I just need to get my shit done, get through this last week of classes and finals week, and put an end to this fucked up year.”

“He’s torn apart, Bram.” Maddie blurts out. “You need to know that.”

“And that’s my fault?” Bram’s tone is getting more aggressive the more they talk.

“No one said that.” Imani starts to rub the back of his neck. “She’s just using an inopportune moment to say that he cares about you.”

“I know.” Bram says. “He cares about me enough to cheat on someone he’s been with forever.”

“Well, a little over a year.” Maddie corrects.

He cuts his eyes at her.

“What!? I just want to make sure we’re accurate while we process this.”

Imani rolls her eyes, hoping the gravitational pull of the movement will knock a little bit of sense into Maddie, “Again, not the best thing to bring up at the current moment.”

“He lied. For a long time.” Bram says. “I can’t be with someone who can lie to me so easily.”

“I’m not saying you should,” Imani takes his hand, “but you should consider the fact that you care a lot about him. Michael didn’t mean this much to you and it took you months to get over him. I’m worried about what’s going to happen if we don’t work through this together.”

“There’s nothing to work through.” Bram stands. “It’s done. I’m going to go to the gym, I’m studying with Maria later and things will go back to normal.” He walks out and leaves them there alone.

“Well, that went about as well as I thought it would.” Imani let’s her head fall over the back of the couch.

“He’s so…”

“Cold.” Imani talks towards the ceiling. “It’s like he has this black and white view of what’s right and wrong. I mean, I could personally punch Simon in his taint, but Bram is in much deeper with him than he’s ever been with another guy. I don’t know what it is about them.”

“You should have seen it last night.” Maddie states. “Simon was so confident he and Bram could talk and sort it out, but then Leah did that.”

"Leah." Imani grunts. “Speaking of punching people in the taint.”

-X-X-X-X-

They are sitting in the courtyard of the fraternity house around an old wooden picnic table, the only piece of furniture there. After taking him to the dining hall to eat as many carbs as his body would allow they brought him back to the house and he went upstairs to try to sleep off the rest of his hangover. They filled him in on most of what happened the night before. Him trying to drive drunk, him falling asleep on the patio, him trying to make out with Cal on the patio, him fighting them trying to get him up the stairs in the bed (to the point Nick had to cover his mouth with his hand).

“Why didn't you tell him about Leah?” Garret asks.

“He already feels terrible.” Abby sighs. “Should we tell him she came over bawling and begging to talk to him? He was passed out for most of it. He won’t remember it anyway.”

“I made it clear she’s not invited here anymore.” Nick says.

Garret sighs heavily, “Dude, that’s intense. I mean I was friends with her high school, but y’all are like best friends. All three of you.”

“Not anymore. She made her choice.”

“What’s next?” Garrett asks.

“What are the brothers saying?” Abby questions.

“Nothing really,” Garrett responds, “they know they broke up. They think that’s what the mess was about last night. I mean, Wall literally head-butted the drywall; Chris threw up all over sophomore Michelle; Brian broke the bannister; Thomas and Peyton tried to make a bonfire out of beer boxes on the front lawn. That was all before Simon even passed out on the patio. There was too much going on for people to really notice much.”

“Then nothing is next.” Abby says. “If they don’t suspect anything then there’s no damage control. We have to be there for Simon and that’s it.”

Nick coughs loudly.

“What?” Garret glances between the two of them.

“I have a study group with Maria and Bram tonight. Planned last week.” Abby bites her upper lip. “I’m going to go, and I’m considering telling Simon about it so he can see Bram face-to-face.”

“Horrible idea.” Nick says a sing-song voice.

“What are we supposed to do?” Abby asks. “Maddie literally texted me an hour ago saying that Bram is completely shut down. If Simon doesn’t get a chance to see him or talk to him Bram could completely shut him out. At least we can say he got a chance to try.”

Garrett shrugs, “I don’t see what could go wrong. Or right. Actually everything could wrong. Everything could also go right.”

“Helpful.” Abby squints her eyes, but then releases her face to a smile. “Thank you for everything you’ve done, by the way. You didn’t have a lot of think time last night, but you were there to support us through all of it. I know Simon really appreciates it.”

“I really don’t have a problem with it.” Garrett links his hands behind his head and leans back. “More women for me.”

Nick and Abby stare blankly at him.

“What? We can’t joke?”

-X-X-X-X-

_Nick: For the record, this is a horrible idea._

_Abby: Thank you for your feedback. Is he coming?_

_Nick: He primped for an hour. We rehearsed what to say for a while, too._

_Abby: What did y’all rehearse?_

_Nick: Well he babbled. I just tried to be supportive. I hugged him._

_Abby: Aww_

_Nick: Bros supporting bros. Plus a little bit of homo ;)_

Abby shifts to her text thread with Maddie.

_Abby: It’s happening. Did you tell his sister?_

_Maddie: Yep. She thinks it will be good._

_Abby: He’s going to take him back!?_

_Maddie: God no. She says it’ll force him to open up. Maybe explode. Apparently he bottles things up._

_Abby: Fuck._

_Maddie: She may be wrong._

Abby taps her foot impatiently on the carpeted floor under their study table. She was able to secure a small room in one of the main hallways by standing uncomfortably close behind a couple of guys who were using it to watch a movie without headphones. At least she smiled to them on their way out. Bram is shockingly business-as-usual with Maria while Abby says she’s just listening to soak in the language. She's too anxious to get any real work done. Bram is polite to her, but not more than necessary.

She feels like she’s sweating waiting for Simon to make it to the student learning center. When her phone finally buzzes she pulls it out and sees his text.

_Simon: I’m here._

_Abby: Study room by the computer lab. Wait until you see me and Maria leave._

“I’m hungry.” Abby abruptly interrupts Maria and Bram’s conversation.

They both stop.

“Okay.” Maria laughs. “Go get food.”

“Will you come with me?” Abby asks. “I always buy too much when I’m solo. I need someone there to productively judge me.”

Maria purses her lips, “Well, I guess. We can all go. Break time.”

“No.” Abby and Bram say in unison. That leads to inquisitive stares from both of them steered in Abby’s direction.

“I mean,” Abby starts, “I just know Bram was saying how much he needs to get done.”

Bram just assumes she doesn't want to walk with him after what happened last night. Once they left he gave himself a moment to lean back in his chair and breathe through the recollection of his and Abby’s exchange. He realizes his assumption is wrong when the door to their room opens and Simon steps in. He walks to sit on the same side of the table next to Bram, but he glares at him and Simon backs away and sits opposite of him.

“Can we talk?” Simon asks quietly.

Bram scoffs and shakes his head. He can see Simon's nervous. He fights the instinctual urge to comfort him and remains silent.

“Bram, please, just listen—“

“No.” Bram interrupts him. He feels horrible instantly, but isn't what Simon deserves? “There’s nothing you can say.”

“Bram, please, I lo—“

“Do not say you love me.” Bram feels an immediate spark of rage. “If you love me that means you respect me. You clearly don’t.”

“But I—“

“Take out your phone.”

Simon’s eyes are darting around Bram's face to try to read him. It was possible he was too drunk last night and he would be able to decipher Bram's non-verbals better. Still, he can’t find the warmth he wants in Bram's face. He can’t find the light in his eyes.

He pulls his phone out and unlocks it.

Bram grabs it and opens up his text messages. He opens his and Simon’s texts.

“What do you see here?” He holds it up to Simon.

“All blue.”

“All blue.”

Bram holds his phone up showing their messages as well.

“What do you see here?”

Simon hangs his head, “All gray.”

“Right, all gray.”

They sit quietly for a moment before Bram continues, “What does that tell you?"

Simon looks up. His eyes are glassy. They’re starting to get wet. “That you don’t want to talk to me.”

Bram puts the phones down, “Now, if you loved me like you say you do then you would respect me. Respecting me would include respecting my boundaries. I've clearly been ignoring you, which means I don't want to talk to you. Instead of respecting that you choose corner me here, with two weeks left in the semester while I’m doing everything in my power to keep my mind focused instead of thinking about what you did to me.”

Simon can’t look at him. He can barely focus on keeping his body from shaking.

“Now,” Bram continues, “instead of me being able to focus on what I need to do to keep from falling apart I feel like even more of a dick because you're here. I can see how my words are affecting you. All I want to do is touch you and comfort you and go back to what it was like. But I can’t. Because you led me into doing the exact same thing that my father did. I told you about him, Simon. I told you how hard that was for me. And then you do this!?”

“I tried to be honest.” Simon looks up, the tears are coming back. He honestly doesn’t know how many more of them he can shed. “I told you so much.”

Bram fires back, “You told me what was convenient. I don’t give a fuck what fraternity you are in or what your major is. But this!?” He realizes his voice is starting to rise and he lowers it back down, “You took away any semblance of trust we had. I can’t be with you if I can’t trust you. I don’t think I will be able to trust you after this.”

Simon arches his hands over his nose and mouth, pressing his index fingers on the sides of his nose between his eyes. He begins to breathe into his hands. He’s trying everything he can to keep his cool.

“I will wait for you.” Simon says. “I won’t stop waiting. I love you, Bram. I’ve loved you for so long. I wish I said it when I had the chance.”

He sees it. A break. Bram’s eyebrows bend and his lips loosen, but just for a moment. There was so much hope in that temporary shift.

“Please leave.”

Simon tries to reach across the table to grab his hand but Bram pulls it back into his lap. Simon wants to plead, he wants to cry, he wants to explain, but he doesn’t. He stands up and walks towards the door. Before opening it he says, quietly, “I don’t know who I am without you.”

Once the door is closed Bram whispers to himself. “I don’t either.”

-X-X-X-X-

Maria and Abby return to the room, an obscene number of snacks in tow. Once they get everything settled they continue on with their study group. Maria asks Bram if everything’s okay, because he’s clearly more tense than he was before. He just says everything is fine, but not before glaring in Abby’s direction. Once two diet sodas make their way through Maria’s body she excuses herself to go to the bathroom.

“I’m sorry,” Abby says once the door is closed, “I thought it could help.”

“Him or me?”

“Both.”

Bram shakes his head, “No, you wanted to help him. You didn't give a thought to how it would affect me.”

Abby slams her book closed and starts to pack her things, “I’m not so insensitive that I would try to help him regardless of your well-being. Of course I want to help him, but I talked to him for hours last night and all damn day today. I know how he’s feeling. You’re a stone wall, Bram. You’ve shut down. I thought—I don’t know—“ She fiddles in her bag for a moment and puts her hand on the table beside Bram. “Listen, I swear this is my last attempt to try to help the two of you work through this. It’s none of my business and you don’t want me to, so I won’t. It’s up to you.” She moves her hand to reveal Simon’s cross necklace. “I gave this to him last night and I can’t do it again. He forgot it on the stage while he was crying, before we had to stop him from trying to drive drunk to find you. I can't give it to him again and watch him break down. If you’re really done with him then I think you at least owe it to him to return it yourself.”

-X-X-X-X-

Simon drives himself in circles around Athens under the cover of twilight and the traffic on the road. He’s on an unconscious autopilot with no particular destination in mind. He just needs to clear his head.

But of course that’s impossible. The words Bram said are echoing through his head. Even though he tried to be more honest with him he said it doesn’t matter. All of the e-mails, the texts, the late-night chats, and the dates boiled down to one consistent theme for Bram: lies. Simon lied to protect himself. It’s true. But he also lied to give himself more time to do the right thing. He always wanted to do the right thing. He wanted to do good by everyone involved, but it all got so complicated and Leah’s masterstroke sealed away any chance he had at true reconciliation.

The Bram that sang _Kiss Me Thru The Phone_ and told Simon that he was enough for him is gone. The Bram he watched sleep on the couch at the house party and cuddled with in front of LeConte Hall is gone. The Bram he saw his future with is gone. He said those three words to him. No matter how powerful those three words are, they’re not enough.

It’s always tough to say goodbye, but part of life is learning to let things go. Can he learn how to let Bram go? Has Bram figured it out already?

He finds himself in front of Cal’s apartment door once he emerges out of his thoughts. While staring at the numbers on the blue door he tries to analyze why he's there. Hearts break, but people don't die from them. Maybe this sadness is the price people have to pay to feel real love. He knows that's what he had with Bram and probably always will, regardless of the fact that he doesn't get to be with him.

Cal gives him something much different. That’s why, at least for one more night, he will sleep in his arms again and feel the comfort he wants so desperately from Bram. Comfort that doesn’t require sex. Comfort that doesn’t require words. Comfort from a few fleeting moments where he can sleep next to someone he knows loves him unconditionally.

Simon knocks on the door and shortly after Cal opens it. He leans on the doorframe with one arm, the other hand holding the door open.

“Can I sleep here tonight?” Simon asks, yearning beaming through his eyes.

Cal takes a moment. He looks hesitant, but he stands back to let Simon in the door.


	15. Dancing On My Own

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The lead up to Winter Break tests Simon in every way, from finals week to his own introspection. How can he help himself be ready to say goodbye?

The sharp, persistent buzzing from the alarm clock bounces off the walls of the bedroom. Simon opens his eyes to see a gray-blue haze of light slipping through the closed curtains. The only thing he can see clearly in the dark light is the alarm clock's red neon numbers. It's 7:00am. He secretly wishes he had slept through this entire day, Friday, so he could skip his last full day of classes and head straight into finals week. After sleeping in on Saturday, of course.

Simon reaches up to end the alarm clock's assault on his ear drums. Once the room is silenced he throws the covers from around him and begins to slide off of the bed. His escape is hindered by Cal's arm reaching around him and pulling him back against his body.

"It's cold." Cal mumbles, still somewhat incoherent.

Simon grins and relaxes back into Cal's body, "We can't stay long. I've got class. So do you."

Cal grunts and rubs his chin into the back of Simon's neck. Simon wishes it sent sparks through his body the way that it would have if Bram were beside him, but it's nice to feel wanted. He's spent the entire week here, following the same routine each time. After classes and work, if he was on shift, he would drive to his fraternity house, grab some clothes, drive to Cal's and they would fall asleep together. Then they would wake up, take turns showering, get ready for the day, eat breakfast together, and then they'd go their separate ways. They always had the understanding that Simon would be back each night without needing to say anything about it. It's comforting for Simon having Cal around, but it feels wrong.

Cal loves him. He's said it multiple times this week. Simon won't say it back. He's come to realize he really likes Cal and even feels so many of the same things for him that he did before, but it's different this time. He loves Bram. He loves Bram in that I'm-incomplete-without-you, everything-makes-me-think-of-you, I-would-do-anything-just-to-be-in-the-same-room-with-you kind of love. He knows he doesn't love Cal and he knows this isn't going anywhere, so does that make him evil? He's actually abusing Cal's love for him. He's putting his needs above Cal's. Really, he's putting his own dignity above Cal's.

Simon rolls over in Cal's arms. There's about two inches between their noses, so he scoots back so he can see Cal's face.

"What's up?" Cal asks, loosening his grip on Simon.

"What are we doing?"

"Refusing to get up."

"No, I mean what are  _we_  doing?"

Cal twists his nose as if he's smelled something he wished he hadn't.

"This doesn't seem the least bit wrong to you?"

Cal sighs, "Simon, I told you I want to be here for you. This is what you need."

"But what do  _you_  need?" Simon continues.

Cal reaches under the covers to secure Simon's hands in his. "Isn't it obvious?"

"Me?"

"I think so."

"Why would you want me?" Simon asks. "I'm--I'm in love with another guy, Cal. I don't know if I'll ever not love him. That's not fair to you."

Cal releases an exasperated groan, "It also wasn't fair of me to abandon you like I did."

"I felt that what you did was peak emotional manipulation," Simon begins, "but that doesn't mean I get to do the same to you. I feel like this is wrong. I feel that I'm being unfair to you. I mean, what happens if Bram and I actually make up? How would you feel then?"

"I feel like you kind of want me to break this off."

"What would you say if I do?"

Cal thinks for a moment, "I would say I understand. I know what I signed up for."

Simon squeezes Cal's hands, "Is it insane to say if I hadn't met Bram..." He can't finish his sentence because Cal puts his hand on Simon's cheek and rests his thumb over his lips.

"The only thing that's insane is that I broke up with you in the first place. If I'm going to blame anyone, it's going to be me."

Cal slides closer to Simon. He grips his hip and pulls them together. He presses his lips against Simon's. Simon allows it, though he's not sure why. Cal's hand slides back up to cup his cheek while Simon's hands press against Cal's chest. At first it was just for the contact, but then he gently pushes him away.

"That was...interesting." Simon rubs his lips together.

"I feel like that's our goodbye."

"You're a good guy. I spent a lot of time knowing you in high school, I was really into you for a while, then I hated you after we stopped talking, and now I'm realizing just how amazing you are. I don't deserve a--" Simon pauses. "--friend like you."

They go about their morning routine as normal, but it's much bleaker than it was before. As Simon's leaving to head out for class he grabs his things. It's weirdly ceremonial, grabbing his toothbrush and face-wash, his deodorant and cologne, all of the things that have lived at this apartment for the week. Cal's leaning against the kitchen counter eating from a bowl of oatmeal as Simon opens the door and looks back to him.

"I don't think this has to be goodbye." He says. "Once I've figured myself out I'd like to try to be friends."

Cal nods, "I'd like that."

Simon gives him an authentic, but weak grin before he walks out.

-X-X-X-X-

Monday was hard. He showed up to class late to avoid both Leah and Abby, who were intentionally sitting far apart. When he walked in he could feel their eyes on him as he found an empty seat away from both of them. Abby had been trying to contact him since the night before, when he talked to Bram at the student learning center, but he wasn't ready to talk just yet. He texted her afterward to say it didn't go well and just needed some time. When they went for their daily lunch date he just told Abby that he needed time to process. When she asked where he was staying he said with Cal. Abby was surprisingly close-lipped with her reactions, she just told him she was there for him for whatever he needs.

Nick did the same thing. Even Garrett gave him a pat on the back as he left the house on Monday night. He couldn't explain why, but each class he shared with Abby he made the choice to sit alone and she let him. When he went to the house each day to get clothes he would just nod in Nick's direction and would do the same for Garrett, if he ran into him. The compounded feelings of his guilt for Bram, Cal, Leah--well, everyone, just made him want to be alone. It made him want to talk less. It made him feel pleasure in isolation. Even when he was with Cal most of their time was spent mindlessly watching movies or going straight to bed, essentially fully clothed because Simon had to at least keep up the notion that they were not going to hook up. Not that Cal would try. He seemed so persistent in doing exactly what Simon needed, even if Simon would only hint through non-verbals.

So, when Simon walks into his, Abby's, and Leah's shared Monday, Wednesday, Friday 8:00am class he isn't surprised that her eyes are wide with shock when he sits in the seat right beside her.

"Well holy shit," she smiles wide, "look who wants his friend back!"

"If you'll have me." Simon feels awkward, but smiles back.

Abby links her arm into Simon's and presses her face against his shoulder. "Of course, boo! I missed my pasty white boy!"

Simon laughs. It feels nice. "Are we going to have a serious catch-up or a stupid one?"

"Well," Abby says, "I've been figuratively dying to know what's been going on with you, but wanted to give you your space. Let's be dumb until after classes. We can for real catch up then."

"Hangman it is."

-X-X-X-X-

"Well holy shit!" Nick pulls Simon into a tight hug. "Look who wants his room back!?"

Abby smacks Nick's arm, "Oh my God! I basically said the same thing!"

They all collapse onto the couch together as Simon and Abby enter their room. Simon's on the left edge and Nick and Abby turn towards him. Nick's arm is around Abby and she's leaning slightly against him. Simon can't help but think it's cute, even if he is still feeling a little off.

"Are we going to have a serious talk or a stupid one?" Nick asks. "I'm down for either."

Abby smacks his arm, "Oh my God! He basically said the same thing!"

They all laugh. Simon forgot how powerful laughter could be against anhedonia.

"Serious," Simon finally says, "Cal and I broke it off."

Nick nods, "Only the third relationship of yours to end in a month. You really need to find someone and stick with them."

His eyes are wide with expectation, and much to his pleasure Simon erupts in laughter again. Followed by Abby. Followed by him.

"I didn't even really think about what we were doing until today. I thought about it this morning and just named it to myself that I was using him and it wasn't fair to him."

"So you broke it off?" Abby asks.

"Kind of," Simon says, "I think he did. But then we kissed."

"After you broke up?" Nick asks.

"Well we weren't together," Simon clarifies, "we were just sleeping together."

"Like bedroom boom sleeping together?" Abby asks.

"No like cuddling fully clothed sleeping together."

"But you kissed?" Nick asks.

"Yeah after I said that we should break it off and before he said that it was our goodbye."

"The kiss?" Abby asks.

"Yeah, the kiss was our goodbye or at least that's what he said. I said we should try to be friends once I figure my shit out."

"You want to be friends with him?" Abby asks. It looks like Nick wanted to say something, but stopped when Abby spoke up.

"What's up?" Simon asks Nick.

"I mean," Nick shrugs, "are you sure it's healthy for you to be friends with him?"

"Yeah," Simon shifts a bit in his seat, "I mean I don't love him. I like him. But not in an attraction way. He's just a lot cooler than I thought. Or maybe I think he's cool because he was doing so much for me. I don't know. That's why I said I needed to figure my shit out."

"We can help with that." Abby rubs his arm.

Simon looks to his lap, then back up at them. To their surprise his eyes aren't teary. They're kind of sparkling and he's smiling wide. "I love you guys. I'm starting to think I'm going to be okay."

"AWWW!" Nick exclaims, leaning over Abby and pulling them all into a clustered hug.

Simon wriggles out of it and stands up. "I have to go to work now and apologize to Laura, because I've been ghosting her too."

Abby puts her chin in her hand, "Is Maria going to be there?"

"No," Simon shakes his head, "I don't think so. But she has no idea about any of this anyway. I think I'm going to tell her. It's time for me to, like, officially come out I think."

"You are so grown up!" Nick exclaims again.

Simon makes his way to his closet and begins changing for work. Nick and Abby face the opposite direction, but they continue to talk.

"Well," Simon says, "I spent a lot of time thinking that I'm evil. But I think there's actually no difference between evil people and good people. I think it's choices. And I'm going to start choosing to do the right thing. I mean," he pauses as he pulls his Classic City shirt over his head, "I thought I was doing the right thing gradually with Bram and Leah and it all backfired, but I guess the key is to never stop doing the right thing...even if it makes things go wrong."

"You may be naked right now," Abby giggles, "but I'm really happy to hear this. You know we've got your back regardless."

"Plus," Simon walks to face them once he slides his legs through his black work pants, "I'm no good at secret identities. I don't know how Hannah Montana did it for so long."

They all laugh again and group hug once more before Simon leaves for work. He has an odd feeling as he leaves the room. He feels so  _good_. It's a relief to be around them. He didn't realize how much he missed just being  _them_  with them. Friends are your chosen family, and like family it's easy to take them for granted. He swears he won't make that same mistake again. Before he leaves the house he loops back to the room.

"Hey," he says as he interrupts them making out, "I'll be back by eleven. Any interest in watching Rent? Or are y'all going downtown?"

"I LOVE RENT!" Abby exclaims as she horribly tries to move back from Nick to hide the fact that they were making out.

Simon grins, "Good." He closes the door and heads back downstairs. He's actually looking forward to watching it with them. He wants to watch it because it will remind him of Bram, of their car ride back out to the mall after his panic attack about waking up late. But the weirdest thought is crossing his mind. He wants to watch it for the memory, but not to wallow in pity about the fact that Bram won't speak to him. Maybe this is what recovery feels like. Little by little he can be more thankful for the memories and less miserable because he won't get to make any more with Bram. Maybe he and Bram won't end up back together. Maybe this process is more about figuring out himself instead.

Maybe he's becoming okay with that.

-X-X-X-X-

There's really no way to make it through Finals week in a good headspace, but Simon did as he promised himself. He kept working on himself every day. Despite the pressure of exams he was able to stay relatively clear-minded with the help of plenty of distractions by Abby and Nick. Garrett even wormed his way in as well. It stung each day that Bram didn't text him, but Bram made it clear that he didn't want to talk and wanted his space to be respected. Leah texted him a couple of times asking him how he was, but he didn't respond. He felt horrible, but he can't process his feelings on what she did to him any more than he can process his guilt about what he did to her. He and Cal didn't speak after he left his apartment, but that had to be for the best for both of them. Finals week was long and lonely, but the personal solitude was oddly refreshing.

Now, as he's dancing stupidly at Classic City's end of semester employee party, he can't fight the smile on his face. It's hiding a Bram-shaped hole in his heart, but even stars can't shine without darkness. Sometimes things have to fall apart so you can build something better from the pieces.

"SHOTSSSSS!" Laura yells as she walks over with shot glasses spilling over with whisky. "Bram. Abby. Simon." She hands each of them the shot and they quickly cheers, take it, and their faces turn to disgust.

"I really don't understand why we do this to ourselves." Abby swallows the air in her mouth hoping to clear the burn in her throat.

At the end of every semester, on the last day of finals, the restaurant's owner "accidentally" forgets to turn on the alarm system at night and lets the head cook, the one Laura likes to yell at, stay around so the employees can celebrate. Even underage employees and their friends get to drink because the cameras are turned off and someone always knows someone who knows someone who can come by to DJ over the speakers in the restaurant, which get surprisingly loud. Tonight, it's their co-worker Rob's girlfriend Brianne who is DJing, but most of it is just a Spotify track list because they haven't stopped making out since the last customer left and they started the party.

"This is great!" Nick is still bouncing around to the beat of the music and surveying the restaurant, which is pretty crowded for an employee-and-friends-only party.

"Where's Maria?" Simon asks Laura. She's been backing it up on him or trying to get him to back it up on her all night. She definitely took the route of ridiculous to keep Simon's spirits high after he told her about Bram. And again after he told her about Cal. All the while Simon can't help but think that he's so stupid for letting him and Bram fall apart, but so extraordinarily lucky that he's got friends like he does. He told Laura that same thing after one of their shifts and she told him he is basically Lucky, then apologized profusely for naming such a depressing song. He couldn't help but be flattered by being compared to Britney in her prime.

"I don't know!" Laura replies as she smacks both him and Nick on their butts, "But we're wasting Dua Lipa and I can't stand for that!"

Is it annoying that half of the songs being played have to do with a romance or a break up? Yes. But Laura's unabating need to dance makes it much more tolerable. 

Eventually Laura nearly topples over from Maria's weight. No one saw her when she got there, but she made her presence known by hopping on Laura's back.

"Bitch!" Laura coils her arms around her tiny friend. "Where have you been!?"

Maria leans in, "I've been here for a minute! I had to play cupid's hot Latina cousin and hook Rico up!"

Abby instantly cuts her eyes at Simon, studying every slight movement of his face as he watches and listens to Maria.

"You hooked Rico up?" Simon asks.

"Yeah!" Maria exclaims, motioning towards the bar. There's too many people to get an easy line of sight from the main dining area to the bar, which is in front of the window-lined entrance, but after a couple of seconds of searching they can all see it clearly. Bram is sitting at the far edge of the bar, a margarita in hand, with Rico leaning over the bar close to him. "My friend over there has been sulking for the past two weeks about some guy he refuses to talk about so his sister begged me to bring him here before they go back home for the break."

Abby squeezes Simon's hand. Nick has his hand firmly on his shoulder. Laura immediately turns to face him. She had never seen him, but Simon eventually told her Blue's real name and that he is friends with Maria. Maria is visibly confused by everyone's reaction.

"Y'all okay!?"

Simon forces a smile. He reaches out to grab her hands and pulls her into a hug, "Yeah! I was just worried you weren't going to show up!"

"Huh?" Maria pulls back and eyes the four of them. "I'm going to go get us all shots. Y'all clearly need to loosen up."

Once she is gone they all huddle around Simon, blocking his limited view of the bar.

He holds up his hand, "I'm fine."

All three of them open their mouths to speak at once, but he waves his hands to stop their words.

"No, really." Simon takes a breath and licks his lips. "Listen, I'm really fine with this. I'm not happy. I'm not excited about it. But I'm fine. I need to know he's over me so I can get over him and he's clearly moving on. Or at least he's trying to. He deserves that. And I deserve to get some peace of mind."

All three of them open their mouths to speak again, but this time he laughs a bit and cuts them off.

"I love you." He wraps his arms around the three of them the best he can. They make a slightly awkward circle standing in the middle of the many people losing their minds over a Chainsmokers' song. "You all are amazing and I wouldn't have made it through this mess without you. But I think I'm going to go home and go to bed."

"We can come with you." Abby offers.

"No." Simon says, "Please stay and have fun. I actually kind of want some time to think alone and then just pass out. But I'll see y'all in the morning before I head back to Shady Creek. And don't worry, I only had that one shot an hour ago. I'm good to drive."

"I'll tell Maria to get Bram to leave," Laura says, "I'll make sure nothing happens!"

Simon shakes his head, "No. I swear it's okay. Please don't say anything to Maria. I don't want her to feel guilty about trying to help her friend."

"Dude," Nick pats Simon's back, "I think you're handling this very well."

"Right thing even when it goes wrong, right?" Simon asks.

They all nod and he says his final goodbyes. He puts his hoodie on and pulls the hood over his head, hoping that will keep Bram from seeing him or Rico from calling him over. He can't even see them as he leaves out of the front door and hops into his Subaru, which is parked at the back side of the building.

For the rest of the night Laura committed to bringing drinks to the "dance floor" since Abby and Nick were worried Bram would see them. As far as parties go, Maria and Laura are fire and gunpowder waiting to ignite. They are funny, loud, and carefree, which is something that surprisingly let Abby and Nick slip out of their apprehensive state. Indeed, they both were quickly wondering why they hadn't befriended them sooner. They still kept a watchful eye on Bram as they danced together. Once people begin to filter out Maria, drunk out of her mind, ordered a Lyft back to her apartment. Nick and Abby compliment Laura on her ability to keep the situation as normal as possible, despite Maria bringing Bram. Laura says her goodbyes, which leaves Nick and Abby with only about 10 other people left behind. They have a clear view of the bar where Rico and Bram are still talking. They see Rico motion towards the front door and see Bram nod. Rico moves from behind the bar and puts his arm around Bram's shoulders as they walk towards the door.

If the crowd was as big as it originally was when the party began Bram may have overlooked Nick and Abby, much like he did Simon previously. Instead, he locks eyes with the two of them as Rico is opening the door for him. He purses his lips together, as if he's debating something, but then continues out of the door.

-X-X-X-X-

Simon pulls into his driveway after driving around backroads in Athens to clear his head. His head definitely isn't clear, it's about as loud and busy as it could possibly be. Shouldn't Bram have told him that he was considering dating someone? Shouldn't Simon have told Bram that he spent a week cuddling with Cal? Isn't he in the process of getting over Bram? If he is, then why can he feel so betrayed that Bram was meeting Rico? Why can't he just be content? Why do things have to keep triggering him to feel like a raving lunatic? As he pulls into the parking lot and parks his car he spots a girl illuminated partially by their backyard lights. She's standing near the patio stairs and starts making her way towards his car once he's parked. He considers staying in the car and locking the door, but Leah's been desperate to talk to him for weeks and probably won't leave even if he refuses to get out. He can't talk to her, but he can walk directly into the house and ignore her.

He gets out of his car and slams the car door. He doesn't know why he slammed it. Is he mad? Why is his heart racing? He takes a deep breath through his nose and exhales it slowly out of his mouth as he shimmies between his car and one of his brother's cars. Once he's in clear view of the back patio Leah is nearly upon him, walking hurriedly in his direction.

"No, Leah." Simon starts to walk right by her.

"Simon!" Leah grabs his arm. "Please! Just talk to me! I'm so sorry!"

He can taste it. A fire spreading from his stomach up his throat, as if his words start somewhere deep in his body and burn their way out. But he won't let them. He won't engage. He won't hurt her more than he already has.

He stops walking and stares at the ground. His back is turned to her. "Leah, please let me go. I can't talk to you, yet."

"After what  _you_  did to me?" Leah's voice is pleading. "Please, Simon, I just need to make this right. I can't go into the break without fixing this."

He turns to her. He steps closer to her, but his posture and his expression aren't ones of reconciliation. Leah can tell he's beyond pissed off. She starts to back away as he walks closer to her. He stops once he notices she's backing away.

"Tell me," he says, whispering, trying his best to fight the rage trying to push it's way out of his body, "what exactly did I do to you?"

Leah hangs her head, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that."

"No, no," Simon's staring directly at her when she finally looks back up at him, "I want to hear you say it. What  _exactly_  did I do to you?"

"You cheated on me, Simon. You kept me in a relationship that was doomed to fail for over a year." She's whispering, too.

"True," Simon nods, "I cheated on you. And for that I will never be able to tell you how sorry I am." He wants to end there, but his body won't let him. "And while we're on the topic, I think we should address the fact that nothing I did to you was ever malicious. I never wanted to hurt you. I came off of two really fucked up experiences with guys before that day we got together, and I think it was just such a relief to be with someone who I knew I loved and who I knew loved me and who knew me so well. Even though we hadn't talked in so long I knew it would be good, because we're us. We're Simon and Leah. Best friends since Kindergarten, you and my sister were in a band together for a while, my parents trusted you to sleep in my room at night. We were us. What I did to you was stupid, but it was never meant to hurt you."

"Simon, I--"

"I'm not done." Simon's voice is raising. He knows it. But he can't stop it. "You want to know the funniest part? There was a point that I actually thought that all these fucked up experiences I've had with guys was telling me that I couldn't be with one. And I thought to myself, the day after we were together for the first time, that maybe, just maybe, I'd been interpreting my love for you in the wrong way forever. Maybe you could be the one to make me feel the way I'm supposed to feel. Maybe you could fix me. Maybe I wasn't gay at all, maybe I just needed you and it would all be okay." His voice is loud and breaking, the tears he hadn't shed in weeks have begun to leak out of his eyes. "And that's not fair to you. It wasn't. YES it was STUPID! It was so ridiculously, maddeningly stupid to put that on you. To think you could fix something about me that didn't need to be fixed. And when I realized I didn't need to be fixed I should have told you and rectified it and let you down easy but you just meant so much to me. I just couldn't handle seeing you hurt like that."

"And I was so scared. What does my life look like if I risk losing the most important people in it? My entire identity is anchored around being someone I'm not. And then I meet this guy who just made it all make sense. I didn't mean to meet him and I didn't mean to care for him so much. I didn't mean to fall in love with him, but I just did! I tried so hard to fight it. I lied to him about everything so he couldn't find me and then one day I realized I couldn't do it anymore. I broke up with you that day and I tried to tell you why but you wouldn't let me and then I tried to help you feel better about it and then you did what you did!?"

"I had to watch him on a date with another guy tonight. He could have been my first and only. And YES what I did to you was stupid. It was so stupid. It was horrible. But I tried so fucking hard to do everything I could to let you down easy and to make it okay. I wanted to save the friendship we had. I wanted to do right by you. But you set me up to get my heartbroken when you invited him here and stood on that stage and did what you did and that just makes you cruel."

He's not sure where they came from. He couldn't even remember seeing Nick's car pull up. But suddenly Nick has his arms around Simon and Abby has her arms around Leah.

"Simon, please!" Leah calls out. "I didn't think--"

"I don't care about what you think!" Simon yells, "Now can you please just leave me the fuck alone?!"

"Hey," Nick whispers in Simon's ear, "you're really loud. Let's just go. Just don't listen to her, let's just go upstairs buddy."

As Abby deals with Leah Nick ushers Simon up to their room. They pass Garrett, who looks like he's been keeping the brothers getting back in from downtown out of the business going on in the parking lot. Simon is acutely aware of everything and nothing at the same time. Before he knows it Nick's got him on their room's couch, rubbing his back as he bawls into his shoulder.

"Shh," Nick continues the circular rubs on Simon's back, "it's alright man, it's okay to be sad."

Simon snorts while breathing deeply to clear his throat. He sits up. "I'm not sad. I'm so fucking mad. I'm mad that I'm sad. I'm not supposed to feel like this. It's been two weeks and he's cut me off. I should be done feeling like this. I thought I was, Nick, I swear to God I was fine ten minutes ago but then she--"

"Don't worry. I'm here for whatever you need. We can just sit here in silence if you want."

They do. While they sit doing nothing more than breathing Simon starts to focus on the things that are good in his life. Like, for example, the fact that Nick is by his side right now.

"I'm sorry," Simon speaks up eventually, "I'm sorry for everything."

"Everything?" Nick asks. "There's no need to apologize."

"I feel like you've seen me so broken, lately." Simon sighs. "It's like seeing someone naked. Once you see them at their worst you never look at them the same again."

"That's crazy. When I look at you I see my number one soccer fan."

Simon chuckles, wiping his hands over his eyes to clear them up. "Somewhere I knew you all would be okay with me coming out. I knew it but I was terrified to do it. I didn't want things to change. I honestly also felt so bad that I never told my mom before she died. It's a weird thing, coming out. I guess I thought Leah could fix me because we loved each other, but friend love is a lot different than love-love. It's remarkably easy to mix up when you can't figure out if who you really are is okay to be. But when you feel love-love for real you just can't fight it. That's why I couldn't fight it with Bram."

"The only thing you need to fix," Nick begins, "is the fact that you don't come to me with stuff like this until it's too much for you to handle. Give it to me all the time and I can help you."

Simon stares at him for a moment. "You're my favorite."

"No," Nick replies, "you're my favorite."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long to update! Life got busy! Thanks again for the love and feedback through this fic. I'll try to have the next chapter posted by early next week!


	16. All Too Well

Simon clutches the bouquet of pink carnations in his hand. The grass enclosing the graves around him varies in shades from dull green to pale brown. It stands in stark contrast to the forest of green pines surrounding the graveyard. The only other real color, aside from the slightly gray sky, comes from the red drupes from scattered dogwoods. His family always comes together to visit his mother each Christmas Eve, but Simon wanted to come on his own before the family trip to talk to her in private. He knows he can talk to her anywhere, but there's something different about being where her body was laid to rest.

Her name is etched into a dark granite slab nestled among light gray pebbles. Underneath her name is the day she was born, followed by the day she slipped away. His father has a granite slab right next to hers, but it's missing the date of his death. Simon shakes away any thought of when that day could be. When purchasing the lot, his father made sure there was space for him right next to her, enclosed within a low stone barrier with a tombstone standing up in the back with their last name chiseled in large font for anyone to see. He said he wanted her to know that he'd be there beside her one day, especially since they hadn't spent a night apart since college.

Simon kneels on the grass and places the bouquet on top of her grave, right underneath a picture frame holding a slightly faded picture of their family before she passed. He sits on the grass and stares silently at her name for a while, listening to the faint sounds of wind sneaking through the trees.

"I got you your favorite," he points to the flowers, "I read somewhere that pink carnations are supposed to symbolize a mother's love." He pauses. "I can't tell if this is dumb. Part of me feels like I'm talking to myself. Part of me feels like I'm talking to you. Part of me feels like I should have been talking to you all along. I'm not sure that you can hear me. I'm not sure I believe in--well, life after death. I like to think that you're alive as long as people remember you. Which is good I guess because I'll never forget you."

Simon breathes deeply, "How could I? I remember how every year on my birthday you would jump in my bed and make the biggest deal out of every detail of the day. I remember how you would always stand at the door and wave at me when I drove to school, even though I begged you to stop. I remember how you would always sneak in carryout from Waffle House if Nora said she was making something too experimental for dinner so we could eat it in the car if dinner didn't go as planned. I remember how you would tease me at any moment that I started taking myself too seriously.  You were so mercilessly happy all the time. I think that's what made it so easy for me to be moody sometimes in high school, because you would always have all the happiness I needed if things got too dark."

Simon breathes again. This time through his mouth because nose is starting to get stuffy. "Things got really dark after you left. I remember driving home from the hospital after you died. I can still hear the crying. I can still see the disbelief in dad's eyes. I can still feel how empty I felt that day. I remember staring at the flowers and the casseroles that piled up in our house and getting so mad that people thought all of that could help us feel better after losing you. I remember standing in your closet trying to picture you wearing your clothes again. I remember dreaming that you were still alive and waking up confused because it made so much more sense that you were just gone for a little while rather than forever. I remember praying for a miracle to bring you back to me, but I guess the miracle was that I got to spend 18 years with you."

Simon wipes his nose. "You fought so hard to stay with me--with us. I'm sorry, mom. You fought so hard and I couldn't even be honest with you. I kept a secret from you while you were alive. I don't know if you knew, but I know you would have loved me regardless. Mom, I'm gay."

Simon pauses to rub tears from his eyes. "I'm gay and I met a guy who made me realize it's not a bad thing. He's not speaking to me anymore, but I think I'm okay with that. I'm okay, mom. I didn't think I was going to be. But I am. Things aren't as dark as they used to be. My life will never be the same without you and I would never have been able to be what I am today without you. I just wish you were here."

Simon sits, staring at the stone that's supposed to remind him of his mother. He purses his lips and lets a breath slip through the tight cracks between them. He's not sure what else he's supposed to say. Maybe this is enough.

"I'm going to tell dad on Christmas day," he continues, "and I think--I know he'll be okay with it. I've hurt a lot of people because I was too afraid to be honest. I feel like I've been holding my breath for years. I'm finally starting to exhale, mom, and it feels good."

He stands up and is hit by a slow gust of wind. He's not a spiritual person, but he likes to think it's his mother saying all that she can with the barrier that stands between them. He doesn't have the daily physical feel of her cross against his chest. He lost that the night of the Formal. But being here is helping him realize he doesn't need it to feel that his mother is with him. He feels like she's been there all along. If he had to guess, she'd been inside him willing him to accept himself for who he is. Encouraging him to give himself the chance that he never gave her. Her body may be gone, but he knows that her love lives on within him.

-X-X-X-X-

Imani watches intently as Bram shakes his gift next to his ear.

"Hmm," Bram mumbles, "it's more than one thing. And it's not pre-boxed because they're shaking inside."

"Stop treating the damn thing like it's going to explode and open it!" Dominque, their mother, commands. She sits in a recliner near the two of the them on the couch in their living room. She's wearing gray pants and a thick white sweater. She doesn't look like she's aged since she turned 30. In fact, her and Imani are often mistaken for sisters when they're out in public together.

Bram cuts his eyes at his mother.

"Don't give me those eyes."

Bram grins in her direction and puts the gift in his lap. Every Christmas Eve Bram and Imani give one another one gift. It started as a sincere twin appreciation moment and morphed into a twisted gag gift meant to put the other one on blast. Their mother, always the comedian, was a happy spectator to see who could shade the other the most each Christmas. He slides his fingers under the creases of the wrapping paper and it makes a satisfying ripping sound as he tears it away to reveal a plain cardboard box, no bigger than a textbook. He peels the tape away and opens it to reveal a container of Vaseline and a tube of Preparation H.

He narrows his eyes at Imani, "I'm not sure I like where this is headed."

"Get your mind out of the gutter," Imani commands, "Mom's here!"

"Damn right I'm here!" Dominque exclaims, "It's my house!"

Imani laughs, "The Vaseline is for your teeth since you've been so pouty. Just rub some on and you won't stop smiling! The Preparation H goes under your eyes to get rid of those bags, since you're so broody that you can't sleep."

"HAH!" Bram exclaims with absolutely no humor behind it.

Imani is thoroughly impressed by her gift and laughs so hard she starts kicking her feet. She doesn't stop until Bram places a gift nearly as tall as her in front of her. Even though she knows this is going to be a gag, she can't help but be excited to see what it is. Once she unwraps it she opens the large box to reveal a slightly smaller, wrapped box within. She glares in Bram's direction who is cackling maniacally. She continues to unwrap and open box after box until she's done it 12 times and has a box no larger than a wallet in her hand. She opens it to reveal a post it with a username and password written on it.

"It's a year subscription to Match dot com." Bram grins widely. "Since you can't seem to find a boyfriend in real life."

Imani leaps in his direction and he dodges out of the way. He takes off running as she follows him, with their mother’s laughter and Bram's breathless chuckling filling the first floor of their home. Eventually, she gives up chasing him and he gives up running away and they collapse back onto the couch in the living room.  Their mother walks to the kitchen to begin cooking dinner while they both scroll aimlessly on their phones.

"I was kidding," Imani puts her phone down, "but I am worried about you, Abe."

"Don't call me that."

"But it got you talking, didn't it?" Imani smiles wide as she stares across the couch at him. When he decided to abbreviate his name to Bram when they went to middle school she started calling him Abe to drive him insane. "You still haven't really told me how you're feeling."

Bram finally puts his phone down and looks at his sister. "I'm feeling frustrated."

"Why?"

"Because I can't stop thinking about him."

Imani presses the ball of her foot against his knee, "I figured. Want to talk about it?"

"There's nothing to talk about." Bram states firmly. "I can't trust him. I can't be with him if I can't trust him."

"You could learn to trust him again," Imani says, "because these feelings aren't going anywhere anytime soon."

"You can't learn to trust someone after they've broken that trust." Bram insists. "Trust is like a mirror. When it's new you can see the best parts of yourself and your partner in its reflection. When it's broken you can put the pieces back together, but you'll always see the cracks in the reflection. You'll see the cracks, the doubts, for the rest of your life. I can't be with someone who fills me with doubt."

"Let me just slide up on in here."

"Mama!" Imani exclaims. Neither one of them had noticed she was in the room.

"It's my house. Y'all are about to eat my food. Y'all are sleeping in my beds. So I get to be in your exclusive conversation." She picks up Imani's leg from the couch and sits down, placing Imani's leg in her lap as she sits between them. She looks at Bram. "I figured your mood was about a boy."

"Not just any boy, mom," Imani says dramatically, "SIMON."

"Hush," Bram says, being sure not to say "shut up" in front of his mother. She made it very clear when they were growing up that she was the only one allowed to curse in the house.

"So," Dominique grabs Bram's hand, Imani's leg is still sprawled across her lap, "Tell me about Simon."

Bram sighs heavily, but complies with his mother's request. "We met online."

"Please don't tell me this is a Grindr story," Dominique rolls her eyes, "I know you're an adult but I can't handle all that."

"Mama!" Imani exclaims again.

"No," Bram chuckles a bit, much to Imani's delight, "I promise, mama. It was a gay UGA website that you can post to anonymously. I wrote a post one night after Michael and I broke up."

"I never liked him." Dominique interjects.

"You made that clear." Bram says, letting another light laugh escape his mouth. "I was feeling a little lost because I wasn't sure how I could meet someone worthwhile in a place where everyone feels so pressured to stay closeted. Any outwardly gay group seems to be ostracized in Athens and I can't figure out why. Anyway, I wrote one night about how all people are like islands in an ocean and the whole point of life is to find a shore worth swimming to. A couple of days later I got an email from a guy, Simon, saying that he feels like he's drowning in that ocean because he can't find the right shore."

"You always were one for words." Dominique rubs Bram's cheek. "It's surprising because you sure don't talk a lot."

"Shaaaaaade." Imani echos from across the couch. Bram laughs again, a quiet authentic sound that fills Imani's heart with warmth. Their mother was a no-nonsense nurturer, but there is no one who can get them to feel at peace more than she can. Even if she's a little assertive sometimes.

"Anyway," Bram continues, "we emailed back and forth for a couple of months and I just kept feeling like I needed more than that. I eventually asked him for his number, he refused saying he wasn't ready, but we made Google voice numbers instead. We texted each other and called each other to the point that there wasn't a day that passed that I didn't talk to him somehow. I could tell by talking to him that he was hiding things from me, and I knew it was all because he's scared of being outed. Then one day I asked him to meet and he actually said yes."

"Was it everything you wanted?" Dominique asks. Imani sits up. She got to witness most of this as it happened but never got to hear Bram talk about it so openly. She just attributed it to their mom’s effect.

"It was more." Bram stares at the carpet in front of him for a minute. "I felt like, for a moment, that I found my shore. Every little thing made me want him more. The way his eyes would scan my face always hoping to get every little detail of what I was thinking. The way I would get a little jealous when we would talk about our past relationships. The thought of him being with someone else bothered me in a way it never did with anyone else. The way he would pretend to be sleepy on the phone because he liked the way I talked to him when he was tired." Bram trials off.

"What happened?" Dominique asks. Imani has now sat up and is leaning against her mother.

"He lied to me a lot." Bram says. "About the little things. But I found out, very publicly, that he was dating another girl, for over a year, while we were together. I was his affair, basically."

"No." Imani cuts in. "He was with her while you were talking, yes, but you know he broke up with her when the two of you started to meet up."

"It doesn't matter." Bram replies. "He was cheating on her, with me, just like dad was with you," he looks to his mother, "and I can't be a part of something like that."

Dominque exhales audibly, "Well. I'm not going to argue with that. It sounds very much like he wasn't faithful to this girl. I imagine she was very torn up about it. I also imagine he has a lot of personal issues to work through about being gay. That complicates things."

"It doesn't complicate anything." Bram's tone indicates that his mind is made up. "Cheating is cheating."

"Well," Dominique drags the last syllable out for a second longer than normal. "It is and it isn't. I don't know him, and I'm not going to pretend like I do. But, let me ask you a simple question baby: How do you feel about him?"

Bram thinks for a moment. He knows what he should say, but he says what he feels, "My feelings for him are like a heartbeat--soft and persistent, underlying everything."

The three let those words hang in the air around them. Dominique speaks up first, "Then I think you need to find some gray area between the black and white of your moral compass. I know watching what happened to me and y'all's daddy was hard. I know that we'll probably spend years working together to make sure it doesn't affect your relationships in the long run. But, I want you to think about what you were just saying about that mirror. It may be broken and you may be looking at the cracks forever, but that's only if you're trying to build the exact same relationship again. Why not build something new? You and Simon built a relationship off of dishonesty, but at the root of it is two souls that seem to be bound together. Nothing is guaranteed forever, but, baby, trust me, you'll hate yourself if you don't try."

Neither of them can believe it when Bram starts to cry. He's usually so cold when it comes to instances of intense emotion. Both of them know better than to try to hug him. He doesn't enjoy physical contact when he's upset. He's very much his father in that way. His mother runs her hand along the back of his head and squeezes the hand she's been holding since they sat down. It takes him a moment, but eventually he collects himself enough to speak.

"I don't know if I can."

"All in time, my love." Dominique pulls him closer and presses her lips to his head. She gets up, pulling Imani with her back to the kitchen to give Bram some alone time. Once they're out of earshot she pulls Imani into a hug.

"I know," Imani says, "that was intense."

Dominque pulls back and pats the small pools collecting in the corners of her eyes, "He loves that boy, doesn't he?"

"So much that his friend Maria set him up on a date with this guy and he spent the whole night talking about him." Imani shakes her head. "He even had to bring Bram home because he was so drunk. Literally rode the Lyft with him back to our place and handed him off to me."

Dominque swats Imani on the arm, "Y'all've been drinking!?"

"Mom!" Imani exclaims through a whisper, "It's college!"

"I know but you're not supposed to tell me about it!" Dominique shakes her head. "Y'all don't turn 21 until January. If you mess around and get your ass arrested for possession of alcohol y'all gonna sit in that jail cell until you figure out how to bail yourselves out."

-X-X-X-X-

On Christmas morning, Jack knocks loudly on Simon's door.

"Hey, kid!" He calls through the door. "Your sister's been up since 6 making some wild breakfast fusions. Time to eat!"

Simon's been up since about that time, pacing around the room trying to figure out the right time to drop the "gay bomb." He's rehearsed it a hundred times in his head. First, they'll eat breakfast. Then they'll open their gifts. Eventually his dad will open one that's a rainbow flag and confetti will fall from the ceiling to the tune of Whitney's  _I Wanna Dance With Somebody_ while Alice, Nora, and Theo wave enthusiastic jazz hands as Simon unveils a roll of parchment that springs to life when he says "I'm gay." Kind of like the Marauder's Map in Harry Potter. Except this map brings up the parade route of the Atlanta pride march instead of a map of Hogwarts.

Well, that's not exactly how he's planned it out. But anything he thinks of just doesn't seem right and he always ends up seeing it as more of a spectacle than a conversation. He's done this so many times before that he feels it should be natural. It's just three words, two if he gets lazy and decides to use a contraction. How hard can it be?

Apparently it's very hard. He couldn't build up the nerve to say it at the breakfast table while Nora presented her banana bread pancake dumplings and spinach & steak quiche. He couldn't build up the nerve to say it when she brought around the chocolate chip cookie shots. They were delicious, but Simon couldn't help but wish the shot glasses filled with milk were made out of Oreos instead of chocolate chip cookie dough. He also couldn't build up the nerve as they opened gifts. He told Alice he was planning on saying it while they unwrapped the gifts, to get it "out of the way" in front of Jack, Nora, and Theo. He realized quickly that wasn't going to work, even as Alice studied him quizzically throughout the unwrapping.

By the time presents were over and it was time to curl up watching _Love_ , _Actually_ Alice assumed Simon had lost his nerve. She tried to get Simon alone beforehand to ask if it was still going to happen, but no amount of choreography would lend them a moment truly alone. All she could do was run her hands through his hair as his head rested on her lap during the movie. They all had their typical spots on the couch together, with Jack sitting off to the side watching them more than the movie and with Theo reclined off on the opposite side of the couch.

Simon feels he’s held himself together quite well throughout the movie, even though it's a literal minefield of triggers that lead him to thinking about Bram. Then again, everything reminds him of Bram right now. The smell of leather seats makes him think about their secluded hangouts in the back of his Tahoe. The feel of heavy pre-rain air makes him think of Tuesday morning. Even something as small as pressing his thumb on the home button to unlock his iPhone can flash him back to being in Bram's car, Simon holding Bram's thumb onto his phone so he could play music and avoid the longing stares Bram was sending his way. It wasn't that he didn't want Bram looking at him. Bram was just too good for him, more attractive than him, smarter than him, funnier than him...in every way Simon could calculate he didn't deserve him. And, eventually, he lost him.

Then it hits him. Simon emerges from the pull of his regrets to the tune of Silent Night and Andrew Lincoln holding up the cue card saying "To me, you are perfect." The same thing Bram sent him after the house party. Before he realizes it, he's outside sitting on the patio furniture in the cold winter air. His thoughts are hazy and he can't really remember how he got out there, except that he knew he would lose his mind if he waited around to see Keira Knightly run after Andrew Lincoln to kiss him. With his hands shoved in the front pocket of his hoodie, Simon gets lost in staring out at the pine trees behind his house.

His father's voice is what brings him back.

"You okay, bud?"

His dad is standing behind the chair he's sitting in. He's got one of his hands gripping Simon's shoulder firmly.

"I broke up with Leah." Simon says plainly.

"I figured." Jack replies.

"Because I'm in love with someone else." Simon continues.

"That's usually a sign that your relationship isn't going to work out." Jack tries to make a joke, but Simon is still staring out into the distance.

"I'm in love with a guy named Bram," Simon says, "and I fucked it all up."

Simon can feel the pressure change from Jack's hand on his shoulder. His other hand connects with Simon's other shoulder. His thumbs start to run small circles near his shoulder blades.

"What did you do?"

"That's what you're going to ask me?"

"What do you want me to ask you?"

"If I'm gay."

"Well, I'm assuming you are." Jack states, "But I'm thinking you want to talk more about the boy and less about other things."

Simon hangs his head, "Are you mad?"

Jack chuckles, "I mean I'm a little miffed that you're 21 and I'm just now finding out. I could have been checking out guys for you for a long time."

Simon's body visibly relaxes, "I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

"I'm sorry I didn't make you feel like it was okay to tell me."

"You don't have to apologize, dad." Simon turns to look at him for the first time in their conversation, "I just didn't want my life to change."

Jack kneels down next to Simon, "Unfortunately, bud, you're stuck with me. I know I have a weird compulsive need to make you guys laugh all the time and I'm a little more emotional than you and the girls, but you're trapped. I'm not going anywhere."

Simon grins and nods. He's cried a lot more in the past couple of months than he has in his lifetime, but he's surprised that he feels no need to cry right now. He's comfortable, which is a weird feeling in a time like this.

"Well," Simon shrugs, "I guess I came out to you, huh? Finally." Simon makes a move as if he's ready to head back inside.

His dad smiles and grabs his hand, squeezing it tight. "You're not off the hook that easily. Bram?"

"Oh," Simon sighs, "Yeah...."

-X-X-X-X-

His father gave him what was possibly the best and worst advice he had ever received. It echoed through his mind for the rest of Christmas Day and into the days following.

"No matter what it takes," he said, "you have to make it right."

In a way Simon knew that he wasn't going to be able to live with so many bridges burnt and collapsed and him back to drowning between shores. He had convinced himself that accepting it meant he was getting over it, but in reality his grief only segued into emptiness. Even with the weeks that passed since they last spoke he still couldn't imagine a permanent future where Bram is not a part of his life. He just knows that if he doesn't have Bram he will never be the same. People muse about young love being all-consuming and irrational, but Simon swears that those people never actually experienced it.

He is lost in his thoughts for a while, but when he pulls up and parks on the street in front of Bram's house he is immediately sobered up and alert. This could backfire and be yet another breach of respect, a breach of trust, like what Bram spoke about the day after their break-up. Their relationship was a masterpiece until Simon tore it all up. He asked for too much from Bram, and maybe this was asking for too much again. But he remembers what they had all too well, and he knows that Bram must remember it too. What they had is worth saving; it's worth working on. What they had is worth holding on to until the very end and the end can't be Formal night. Simon can't let it end like that.

His hand is shaking to the point that he misses the doorbell on his first attempt to press it. He turns from the bell to stare at Bram's Tahoe in the driveway before he takes a deep breath and attempts again. This time the bell successfully rings and within seconds the lock clicks and the door opens.


	17. Blue/Sandcastles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His knees are ready to buckle and his hands are shaking as he waits for Bram to open the door. How will he react to Simon standing on the other side? Even if he's able to convince Bram to forgive him, he still has other relationships to repair.

Simon pulls his phone out of his pocket. He wants to smile, but all he can muster through his anxiety is a tight smirk. Bram opened the door no more than five seconds ago, but it feels like he's been staring at him for hours. Simon exhales and licks his lips, but doesn't speak. In true  _Love, Actually_  fashion he presses play on his phone.  _Blue_  by Troye Sivan plays lightly through the speakers and Simon sets it down on a flower stool next to the door. Bram is nearly as still as stone, his face illuminated in the night by the soft glow of the porch light. Simon holds up a stack of cue cards. A stack of poster board paper cut in half with simple writing on each.

>   _Before you think I'm an actual stalker: your sister and mom texted me your address._

Bram gives no indication of how he feels about this. Simon avoids the urge to sigh and pushes any thought of retreating back to his car out of his mind.

> _Seven months ago I sent you this e-mail._

Below his handwriting is an enlarged print-out of his first e-mail to Bram.

> _From: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com_
> 
> _To: bluegreen118@gmail.com_
> 
> _Date: May 30, 2017, 12:54 AM_
> 
> _Subject: I could use a swim instructor_
> 
> _Hi. I guess that's how I should start this off. Or is "hey" more polite? I just wanted to say that I understand what you're talking about. I don't think I actually know how to swim, because I can't even get close to the right shore. I think I'm perfectly normal except for the fact that I'm gay. I think that being gay is making me drown. Does that make sense? Sometimes it just feels like I can't breathe._
> 
> _Jacques._

 Simon sets it aside to reveal the next cue card.

> _Then you sent me this:_
> 
> _From: bluegreen118@gmail.com_
> 
> _To: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com_
> 
> _Date: May 30, 2017, 7:32 PM_
> 
> _Subject: Re: I could use a swim instructor_
> 
> _Does being gay mean you're not normal? Have you told anyone? I've found the best cure for drowning is breathing. Just take a breath and talk to me. It's nice to meet you, Jacques (is that your real name?) I'm gay, too, and I know I'm normal. Too normal._
> 
> _Are you at UGA or thinking about applying?_
> 
> _Bram._
> 
> _PS: Let's breathe together until you figure out how to breathe on your own. It can be a little uncomfortable at first, but I promise it's not hard._
> 
> _PPS: Bram is my real name._

Bram is still expressionless, but the darting of his eyes helps Simon know he's reading. Once he's done he looks up at Simon. It may be wasted hope, but Simon thinks he can see a hint of expectation in Bram's eyes.

> _I couldn't imagine then that I would be lucky enough to take this picture a few months later._

Below his handwriting is an enlarged picture of Bram sleeping from that Tuesday morning after Thanksgiving break. There's an arrow pointing to the picture leading to text that says  _You didn't tell me to delete this so I'm assuming this doesn't read as creepy._

Bram's expression breaks for a moment. It's a twitch at the corner of his mouth that Simon holds on to for dear life as he moves on to the next card.

> _I may never get to see you like this again._

Simon can feel his heart slowly start to sink to his feet. Even though he wrote these cards he's dreading the thought that those words may come to pass. It fills him with remorse.

> _And I will have to learn to be okay with that._

Somewhere inside of him he had hoped that Bram would shake his head. He hoped for a signal that that terrible future wouldn't come to pass, but Bram is as still as he was when he opened the door. 

> _But let me say now that I will love you for the rest of my life._

Next card.

> _I will love you when I'm tired and wishing I could talk to you on the phone until I fall asleep._

He remembers telling Bram that he liked the way he talked to him when he was tired, so much that he would fake being tired just to hear that low, husky tone his voice took on.

> _I will love you when I see the sun rise each day._

He remembers talking to Bram until the sun rose over Thanksgiving Break. That was when he realized he was in love with him.

> _I will love you when I get caught in the rain._

He remembers having to get a hotel room with Bram to escape the rain in Athens. He remembers how nervous he was when they got in bed together and how at peace he was when he fell asleep in his arms.

> _I will love you each time I take a sip of Andre._

He remembers their first, very public, outing and how drunk-Bram was just as tender and loving as sober-Bram.

> _And each time I see lesbians humping on the ground._

Then he hears it. Faint, but it happened. Bram laughed. It was breathy and quick, but it happened. Simon knows his face has switched from apprehensive to gleaming, but he tries to hide his expectation. His hope.

> _I can only hope that one day I get to buy a house and have a family with you so that my children will be able to know you. To be loved by you._

He can't help it. His eyes start to water. Simon continues, even though his gaze is glassy.

> _And if not--if this love is unrequited--if it's too late--I want to thank you for letting me know you._

Simon sets the cue card aside.

> _You saved me, Bram Greenfeld, in ways that I didn't know I needed to be saved._

Simon lets the card fall as he holds the last one up in his shaky hands.

> _Thank you._

Simon slowly sets the last card down. He picks up his phone and turns off the song, which had played at least twice in the time it took him to display his thoughts. He holds his phone between his palms as the second he stares at Bram stretches into a moment, then possibly over a minute. Or at least that's how it feels. When Bram doesn't say anything Simon nods to himself and kneels down to pick up the cards, refusing to let himself fall apart in front of him. He shoves his phone in his pocket as his hands are occupied picking up the cards.

It's over. But he meant every word he said. He will forever be grateful for all that Bram did for him, even the end of their relationship can't sour that.

But then his phone vibrates against his thigh. He allows himself to look at Bram, who has his phone in his hands.

This is it. His heart is pounding so hard against his sternum that Simon swears it could fracture. His palms are suddenly so clammy that he can't hold on to the cards. Not that he would have anyway. Before he knows it his phone is in his hand, he's nearly ripped a hole in his jean pocket to get it out, and Bram's porch is covered with scattered paper. Just looking at that green icon, seeing Bram's name with the small text reading "now" signaling that Bram just texted him, is enough to make Simon's soul leap from his body. It's the first time he's texted him in weeks. Simon opens his phone and finds a screenshot of Bram's Gmail account, a screenshot of a draft he never sent.

 

> _From:_ _bluegreen118@gmail.com_
> 
> _To: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com_
> 
> _Date: December 24, 2017, 11:45 PM_
> 
> _Subject: DRAFT Santa's supposed to be coming_
> 
> _And all I can think about is you. I don't know what to say. I just need to see you. I need you._

By the time Simon looks up he see's Bram has unbuttoned his shirt just enough so he could hold the cross pendant between his fingers. His mother's cross pendant.

"I didn't know what to say," Bram chokes out the words as he begins to cry, "I love you. And I was hurt. I am hurt. But I miss you so much."

Within a moment the boys are wrapped in a tight embrace. They wrapped their arms around each other so quickly that Bram knocked Simon's phone to the porch floor.

"I'm sorry," Bram pulls back, "your phone--"

"Fuck the phone," Simon says quickly as he coils his arms under Bram's and around his torso.

Bram lets out a wet laugh through his tears. He presses his cheek against Simon's with his arms around his neck. His hand finds it's way into the hair on the back of Simon's head as Simon's fingers knead the muscles of Bram's back. Simon pulls back just enough to go in for a kiss, but Bram pulls back as well.

"You said in the sun." He moves an arm from around Simon to wipe his face.

"I don't care." Simon tries again.

Bram pulls back again, "I'm all snotty."

"You've never looked better." Simon tries again.

Bram pulls back again, but this time his mother's voice echoes through the foyer and the front hallway from the kitchen.

"JUST KISS THE BOY DAMMIT!" Dominique yells.

"MAMA!" Imani exclaims, "NOW YOU'VE RUINED THE MOMENT!"

Simon and Bram both look at one another and erupt in laughter. It feels good. Actually, no. It's better than good. It's euphoric.

-X-X-X-X-

He's sitting on Bram's couch. In his living room. In his childhood home. Just a few hours ago he thought his relationship with Bram was over. And now he's sitting on his couch. In his living room. In his childhood home.

"So," Dominque continued, "we decided to give him until the day after Christmas. Then, we had to take matters into our own hands."

Simon's face was in actual pain from smiling so much. It would be false to say that he and Bram didn't have a bit of an awkward feel between them now that the tears had subsided and their hearts returned to pace, but it felt so much better than what he had to endure before. Simon has a literal shudder run through him thinking of their icy exchange in the student learning center, the day after Leah pulled her stunt.

Leah. He knows there's little to no chance she's feeling this happy right now. Why can't he just feel content for an hour without feeling guilty about something?

"Matters that weren't technically your business." Bram mutters. But he does so with a grin, showing that he's teasing his mom.

"LISTEN HERE BOY!" Dominque is especially talented at going from 0 to 100 within a matter of seconds, "I raised you, so everything of yours is my business. Anyway, if there's anything I've learned in life it's that men can't make their own good decisions without a woman nudging them in the right direction."

"Well then I guess we're doomed." Simon says. He's been mindful to not speak up, but couldn't miss out on the opportunity to throw out a gay joke to a woman who clearly has an exceptional sense of humor.

Dominique laughs loudly. Simon is very pleased with himself. "I guess you are, sugar!" She stands up, "But you got me, and your sisters, to help point you in the right direction. Because I'll be damned if I worked this hard for the two of you not to be together for the long haul."

"Mama!" Imani exclaims again, just not as loud as before, "That's weird! You can't put that kind of pressure on them this early!" Imani stands up and starts to pull her out of the room. Her mother fights back jokingly as she obliges.

There was a polite distance between Bram and Simon on the couch while his mom was in the room. Once she leaves Simon stares at the awkward space between them. He then looks up to Bram, who grins and nods for him to slide over to him. Simon relaxes up against Bram's side, with Bram's arm wrapped around his shoulder. With his free hand, Bram takes Simon's hand and rubs his thumb along the skin on the top of his hand, as if the constant friction is a reminder that this moment is real. All the while, Simon's eyes never leave Bram's face.

"I could sit here and stare at you all night long."

Bram's eyes lock with Simon's. The warmth he missed so much was there again. The touch and the closeness and the conversation is still a little off, but it is to be expected. After all, they have a lot to catch up on.

"I love you, Simon." Bram pulls him tighter up against him. "I don't know how we're going to work this out, but I know we will."

Simon relaxes his head against Bram's neck. He takes in a deep breath, as if smelling Bram would help him solidify this moment in his mind. "We will. And I love you. Always."

Bram leans over and kisses Simon's forehead. They both sit upright, turning their bodies to face one another. They take a moment to soak in each other's faces like they haven't seem them before. Bram adjusts his seat and takes both of Simon's hands in his. He leans forward, his eyes begin to close, his lips mere centimeters away from Simon's. But his lips land on open air.

He opens his eyes to see Simon grinning wildly.

"Oh so now you want to kiss?!" Simon laughs.

"Pleaseeeeeeee," Bram whines, "I'm not snotty anymoreeeeeee."

Simon shakes his head, "Can I make an ultimatum? Or am I still in the doghouse."

"You're in the doghouse, Simon," Bram chuckles, "I'm just too happy right now to know the difference."

Simon pauses and waits expectantly.

"But not for long, I'm sure." Bram grins and squeezes his hands, "What's your ultimatum?"

"New Years is in few days."

"That's DAYS away!" Bram exclaims before Simon can finish his thought.

"I'm just saying," Simon begins, "what better way to bring in the new year than with our first kiss?"

"With our 40th."

Simon laughs and frees one of his hands to cup Bram's face. He runs a thumb over his lips and Bram kisses it lightly, all the while staring into Simon's eyes. "And anyway, we'll be back in Athens, in a place where I won't have to control myself for fear of ruining your mom's first impression of me."

Bram lets his eyebrows bounce as a wicked smirk takes over his face. He let's his hands explore Simon's body for a moment before speaking. "There's something about you, Spier."

"I missed you so much, Bram."

"I missed you more, Simon."

"Impossible."

Bram kisses Simon's hand, "Let's promise to never have to miss each other again. That way we don't have to have this argument each time."

"I promise."

-X-X-X-X-

The drive back to Shady Creek seemed to take mere minutes, where the drive to Bram's house seemed to take hours. Time was passing by faster for Simon now that he had something to look forward to. Shouldn't it be the opposite?

His time with Bram and his family, even though it was limited, was everything he needed to feel at ease. He knows they have a lot to work on and will need to talk more about what happened at Formal, and for the many months that they talked before they ever met face to face. But for now, he can relish the fact that he is Bram's and Bram is his.

They spent an hour or so watching TV aimlessly on the couch, just soaking up each other's presence. His mom made a point to stop by with snacks a couple of times just to make sure they were "getting along," which led to loud groans and a few "get outs" from Bram. Both of those things were followed by quick swats from his mother. And, to be honest, Simon loved it. It was just so...normal. It was almost as if it was their first time hanging out. Simon got to watch Bram eat gummy bears in pairs, because as Bram vehemently stated "No gummy bear should die alone." He meant it, too. He would put them face to face and squeeze them together before popping them into his mouth. They would throw popcorn in each other's mouth and Simon was pleased to find out he was much more talented at it than Bram. Everything felt like the first time all over again, except this time Simon was Simon, not Nick. Simon was thrilled to be Simon this time. Simon was thrilled to be with Bram.

It wasn't until he turned near his subdivision that Simon snapped out of the thoughts of his time with Bram, each moment reading like a sports replay in his mind. He ended up stopping his car in the most unusual location. Or maybe it made perfect sense. Really, anything could be possible at this point. The one thing he knew is that for him to be able to truly relax into his new chance with Bram, he had to make things right with Leah.

That's why he found himself knocking on her door at midnight.

That's why when she answers the door, with her hair in a ponytail and her PJ's shielding her from the cold night air, he asks her as politely as he can: "I know this is capital-S strange, but can I come in?"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I clearly name each chapter after a song. It's usually the song I listen to the most while writing each chapter, but couldn't decide which one to name this chapter.
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading this. It's my first fic and I've loved writing it. I'm a little sad the next chapter is the last one, but I hope you enjoyed this one and it met your make-up expectations!
> 
> As always, feedback is much appreciated!


	18. Cut to the Feeling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon has one last bridge to mend and then he's off to return to college and continue to piece back together his relationship with Bram.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is! The final chapter! Not to rant too much, but I wanted the last chapter to focus entirely on Bram and Simon, so I included Simon and Leah's reunion here. I think it would have fit better in the previous chapter, so just pretend for me :)

 

He's sat on this couch a thousand times, but right now he can't seem to get comfortable. While Leah is in the kitchen getting water for the two of them he spends his time shifting his position like a dog when they're trying to get comfortable. His anxious energy combined with his restless thoughts are making the silence in the living room feel like it's smothering him.

The clink of the cups on the glass countertop breaks that silence and Simon comes back to the present.

"So," Leah sits back on the opposite end of the couch as Simon. Being in the same room as him feels simultaneously relieving and painful. Being with him again after weeks of not speaking is relieving, but the distance between them physically and emotionally is more painful than she would have thought.

"So." Simon echos.

After a beat, they both go to speak at the same time, both saying the same two words: "I'm sorry."

Simon continues, "Leah, I swear I didn't come here for an apology."

Leah shakes her head, "I owe you one."

"No, I owe you."

"Are we going to sit here and talk about who did each other the worst? Is that what tonight's going to be about?" Leah's tone is soft and curious, a careful blend to avoid any aggressive implication.

"I don't want it to be." Simon leans over to grab his water, takes a sip, and begins tapping the side of the cup nervously. "I don't know what should happen, honestly. I just miss my friend."

Hearing him call her his friend, minus the "girl" before it, leaves her with a vacant space in the pit of her stomach. She knows that they're over and has known for a while, but something about hearing that word, a word that should be so welcoming, makes her feel more lonely. Of course, she can't say that to him. This situation is delicate enough as it is.

"I miss you too, Simon."

"I really wanted to tell you, Leah." Simon begins. "I wanted to tell you so bad, but I was just so fucked up. I was so confused."

"I know." Leah replies, "Everything you said that night, the one when I cornered you in your parking lot, really stuck with me. I think I finally started to understand everything that night."

Simon looks to her. He's been avoiding her gaze for most of the conversation. "How did you know?"

"I saw Bram with the necklace on." Leah states. "I was at Maddie's apartment doing some work on Winter Formal and he came in from a run. His shirt was off and I saw it."

"I'm sorry you found out like that. That was never my intention."

"I know," Leah replies, "there's been a lot of hurt between us, but I know now that you didn't  _want_  to do any of this to me. I think I just got so vengeful because that moment was such a shock to me. I never knew it could hurt so bad to lose something that you never really had in the first place."

There's a break in their conversation. Both of them aren't sure what to say next.

"Simon." Leah takes a deliberate pause before she continues. "What I did...it was horrible. I knew that from the moment I started planning it. I was cold. Calculated. And convinced myself that you deserved it."

"Maybe I did."

"But you didn't. Nick, Maddie, Abby...they all had very intense words with me that night and they were right. It just takes a while for your heart to catch up with what your brain understands. I knew in my head that what I was doing would hurt you, it would hurt Bram, and it would ruin us. I knew that you would never hurt me like that maliciously, even though I couldn't make sense of how it happened. But my heart was screaming for retaliation. Retribution. To make you feel the way I felt when I saw that necklace around Bram's neck. It wasn't right and you didn't deserve it."

There's a pause, but then Leah continues. "Now, I'm not saying you didn't deserve something. Just not that." They both chuckle lightly, but they both know it was forced.

Simon runs his lower lip between his teeth while he thinks about what to say next. What can he say? It's like he's lost all of the conversations that they've ever had. In their lifetime together they've spent countless hours rambling about nothing, but all he can think to discuss right now is the weather.

"Are we good?" Simon asks. He can't tell if he's pleading or just posing the question. Part of him wishes that the last year could be erased and they could immediately jump back in to being non-romantic Simon and Leah, but he knows that's not possible. You can't go without speaking to someone and just start over again. Every relationship has a ticking clock cataloguing the memories and moments you share and it doesn't reset after a rough patch. Just like with Bram, he and Leah would need to work on getting back what they had.

"Of course not." Leah states plainly. She then reaches over to take his hand, but she realizes that's not something they do anymore. Before they touch she brings her hand back into her lap. "But, I think we're going to be okay." She nibbles on her lower lip, one of her most obvious nervous tics. "And then one day we'll be good. And then we'll be great." She gives Simon an earnest smile.

He grins and nods, "I'm okay with that."

Leah pulls her legs up and wraps her arms around them. She rests her chin on her knees. "I think I'd like to hear more about Bram."

Simon's muscles tense instinctively. "I don't know if that's where we should take our reunion just yet."

Leah shakes her head, "I think I need straight Simon permanently killed off in my brain." While she's cautious about breaking their touch barrier, she does allow her foot to slip and her toe to nudge his thigh, "Not to mention that he's important to you. You're important to me. I'm not saying it's going to be easy for me or you, but I want to get to know you again. I can't begin that process without knowing more about him."

"Full honesty?"

"Even if it kills me." Leah's lips gradually spread into a slight smile, one Simon is sure she's putting on for the sake of working on their friendship. "It won't, I promise. I've been through harder things in life...like watching you try to dance in a musical."

There's still a tinge of doubt lodged in Simon's mind. One that he can't overcome to bend to Leah's request, despite her attempt to break the ice via humor. He sits there, frozen, obviously lost in his thoughts. The touch of Leah's hand on his brings him out of his daze.

"Simon," she removes her hand quickly. Her expression betrays her own doubt. Should she have touched him? Was that okay? "I want you to try to trust me. Sometimes, the thing that breaks your heart is the exact thing you need to recover. I want this."

Simon nods again. The discomfort between the two of them is as evident as any muscle ache. It's almost dull but incredibly all-consuming. Even though she's trying, and he can see that she is, he can't help but feel as if this is somehow unfair to her. Or is it more unfair to deny her the thing that she's saying will help her?

"Okay," he says as he sharply inhales through his teeth. He presses his lips together tightly before his next words escape his mouth. 

-X-X-X-X-

"She's coming here!?" Abby exclaims, almost dumbfounded. No, she's actually dumbfounded.

Simon's sitting on the couch in his and Nick's room. Abby and Nick are posted on Nick's bed, their backs resting against the wall. He avoided telling them all the details about his reunions over the Winter holiday until they were together. One reason is because he needed to get his mind right about how he could describe them both, and the other is that the retell would be emotionally exhausting and he only wanted to do it once.

"Yeah," Simon replies, "it's New Years and it's not fair to ask her to spend it alone when most of everyone she knows will be in this house. And we need to start coming back together, all of us, like we were."

"Well that's not going to happen tonight," Abby sucks her teeth, "I can't be around her and just be okay with what she did to you."

Simon looks to Nick for support. He knew Leah before Leah and Simon were together, well before the fallout. Abby never really knew anything about Leah other than the fact that Leah was suspicious of her friendship with Simon.

"He's right." Nick catches Simon's non-verbal plea for help. "We don't have to spend our whole night with her, but we should at least be nice. Until we can be friends again. That's what you want, right Simon?"

"Yes." Simon says. "Desperately."

Abby sighs heavily. It's very much on purpose. "Fine." She then allows a small smile to lighten her expression. "Anything for you, baby boo." 

His phone vibrates on his desk so he hops up quickly to check it.

_Bram: Just got back. I'm waiting on you..._

Simon's thumbs have a hard time typing a reply. He suddenly feels flushed.

_Simon:_   _On my way. See you soon._

Simon's face is pink and he feels a bit of sweat collecting at the small of his back. He's more nervous now than he was on Tuesday morning. The past few days had been great. He was back in touch with Bram with semi-regular texts throughout the days. They had a slightly different tone than they had before. Their words were a little more carefully chosen, but it makes sense. They're still trying to figure each other out, which is a lot harder to do through texts.

Over the past few days Simon found himself doubting if he should text him or wait for Bram to reach out. If he didn't hear from Bram within an hour of waking up Simon would just text him to say he's thinking of him, and Bram would respond with a heart emoji. The most they talked was to set plans for Simon to come over to Bram's apartment for New Years. Maddie would take Imani with her to the frat house for Omega Beta Theta's New Years Eve party, which was basically just a bunch of people getting drunk at the house, those who were already back on campus after break. Everyone got fair warning that Leah would be there, even Bram, and everyone was told to be on their best behavior. Maddie was clearly down for it, but Imani took some convincing.

By the time Simon is parked at Bram's apartment complex his heart and stomach are in a race to escape his body, one out of his chest and the other through his feet. For some reason he can't force himself to get out of his car, even though he's been looking forward to this night for days.

-X-X-X-X-

Bram's inspected every inch of his apartment. He meticulously cleaned every crevice as if it was Simon's first time seeing the place. He's a neat freak, but unfortunately he's the only one in the apartment. While he's making one last sweep through their bathroom his phone rings and he darts to the kitchen to yank it off of the charging cord and answer it.

"Hi." He says, breathing heavily.

"Hi." Simon replies. "I'm here."

"Oh!" Bram exclaims, "I’ll open the door now."

"No," Simon interrupts, "I'm not at your door yet. Just got out of my car. I'm just nervous and wanted to hear your voice."

Bram laughs, "Me too. It's weird right?"

"Definitely weird. I feel like Drew Barrymore in  _Ever After_  before she walks into the ball. I just want this to be perfect.”

Bram laughs again, "Great reference. And me too.”

There’s a delayed silence and soon Bram hears a knock on the door. He’s still got his phone pressed up against his ear when he opens the it. Simon’s standing on the other side in dark jeans and a hoodie, his phone secured against his face as well.

They exchange a moment’s glance before they hang up their phones. Simon almost tiptoes in when Bram steps aside. It’s not lost on Bram that there’s a tepid pause between them while he closes the door. Their physical comfort between one another is off, understandably so. They hadn’t really talked nor had they seen one another since Simon showed up on his doorstep over break.

Bram is almost embarrassed as he sees Simon scanning the apartment. There’s champagne on the coffee table in an ice bath. He’s got candles set up providing soft light throughout the living room along with a couple of lamps. There’s snacks on the coffee table as well, set up like their own little indoor picnic.

”I’m sorry,” Bram says. He’s caught in his thoughts about how unsure he is about what Simon likes. Will this come off as romantic or desperate? Is this what he was expecting?

Simon must have caught Bram’s uncertainty, because he takes his hand and smiles at him, “This is amazing.”

Bram let’s his muscles relax. Simon’s so good at romantic gestures. The cross necklace, the music he tells Bram reminds him of him, the cue-cards at his house. It comes so naturally to Simon, like he knows just what to do to send Bram’s stomach a flutter. It doesn’t come so easy to Bram.

Simon leads him over to the couch and they sit with a little space between them. Bram’s the first to speak.

”I just didn’t know if this was ok.”

Simon laughs, “Anything with you is more than ok. It’s everything I want.”

Bram grins, “I don’t know...just after seeing you and knowing that we could work this out...I felt so good when you were at my house and then when you left I started worrying.”

”Me too.”

Bram closes the space between them. Their thighs are up against each other and he thinks about putting his arm around Simon. It’s like it’s their first date all over again. Luckily, Simon is still good at reading him, because he leans into Bram giving him the opportunity to less awkwardly wrap his arm around him.

"I was worried that we wouldn't work out." Bram says.

Simon's tucked up against Bram, his hand caressing Bram's hand as if he's making a tactile map of every bend of Bram's long fingers. "Why wouldn't we?"

"All of the wrong reasons." Bram replies. "My mom actually called me on it. I was saying that I couldn't get back together with you because you had broken my trust, like a broken mirror. I'd always see the cracks, you know?" Simon nods. "But she said that was only if I was trying to build the same relationship over again. I don't want to do that."

"What do you want to build?"

"Is it wrong to say I want to build a life with you?" Bram almost chuckles. "Is that too much?" He knows Simon wants to be with him, but they're so young. Is saying he wants to build a life with Simon putting too much pressure on them? Too much pressure on this night?

Simon leans up and locks eyes with Bram. He smiles, ear to ear. "Remember that first e-mail you sent me? Where you said we'd learn how to breathe together so I could breathe on my own?"

"Yeah," Bram returns Simon's smile, "I just read it a few days ago on my doorstep."

"Yeah, that," Simon licks his lips, "I don't want to breathe on my own. Or with anyone else. Bram, I honestly feel like I'm only really me when I'm with you."

"So, me saying that I want to build a life with you isn't too much?"

Simon laughs and shakes his head, "I couldn't ask for more. I feel like this is where I'm meant to be, with you, in this moment. There are a thousand decisions I would change if I could, but if it all means I get to be here with you then I couldn't ask for more."

Bram can't tell if he wants to cry, cheer, or collapse. His muscles are weak. Simon's words course through his body, simultaneously soothing and fiery. "Me either." He laughs. "You could have made it a lot easier." He can see Simon's eyes darting, studying him. He knows when Simon's feeing uncertain, and he is now. "I mean, you  _really_ could have. But, not talking to you for so long, even though I was mad, it was like I was missing a lung. I couldn't catch my breath knowing that you were out there, without me. There's just something about you, Simon. I have to catch myself to remember that you're real. Your voice is like an electric charge to my heart, just hearing you talk makes it skip a beat. I don't laugh with anyone like I laugh with you. You're so fucking beautiful it hurts. You're--"

Bram doesn't finish his sentence. Simon fixates his hand behind Bram's neck and suddenly they're kissing. Their lips pressing softly against each other. Bram can feel Simon's body shudder as he grips the small of Simon's back. Their lips start to press harder as Simon's mouth opens and Bram's tongue slides in. Bram grabs Simon's thigh and pulls him to straddle his hips. They start to grind against one another and, god, Bram's almost dizzy. Simon's thighs squeeze Bram tight as Bram locks hold on Simon's hip, keeping Simon's grinding thrusts in rhythm with his own.

Bram comes up for air long enough to kiss Simon's neck. He can feel Simon breathing against his ear and it sends shockwaves through his nerves. He feels almost wild. Their lips reconnect and Bram slides his hands underneath Simon's hoodie and shirt to feel the warm skin underneath. His hands find their way up to Simon's back and he presses his fingertips into the muscles there, pulling them down slowly. Simon leans up, exposing his neck and Bram begins to suck on the sensitive skin at the base. Simon groans and Bram's realizes just how hard he is.

Suddenly Simon pulls back, "Time out." He's breathing heavily. "Is this okay? Should we talk more first?"

Bram takes a moment to soak in the view he has of Simon. He's perched in his lap, his hair disheveled, his face is flushed. Bram bites his lower lip and runs his hands up Simon's thighs and rests them around his hips. Seeing his hands around Simon's hips fills him with some indescribable excitement. As if holding him there means that Simon is  _his_  just the way he knows that he is  _Simon's_. The feeling of Simon's skin is locked in his head and he wants to feel more...explore more of this boy he loves so much.

"I love you." Bram knows his love drunk expression must make him look high.

Simon leans forward to connect their lips again, but Bram blocks him long enough to start to pull his hoodie off. Simon's shirt is caught underneath, making the move more complicated than fluid, but Simon quickly yanks them both over his head. Bram lets his hands explore Simon's torso and his lips begin to do the same. Simon's got his hand on the back of Bram's head and moans softly when Bram's mouth secures a place around his nipple. The moan ignites Bram all over again and before he knows it he has Simon on his back on the couch. He's slid his way between Simon's legs, their grinding resuming in course. Simon's clawing at Bram's shirt so he rises up and nearly tears it off. He takes a moment to look at Simon under him.

"What?" Simon asks, locking his index fingers in Bram's belt loops, "Come here."

"I told you." Bram puts his hands over Simon's, "You're so beautiful it hurts." He leans down and starts to kiss Simon again, their mouths hot and wet against one another.

"The ball hasn't dropped yet." Simon says against Bram's mouth.

Bram laughs, of course Simon, the grand romantic, would be thinking about the importance of midnight. "We could stop."

"That's the meanest thing you've ever said to me."

Bram laughs again as he lets his full weight press down against Simon. They're kissing, pressing their bodies against each other, feeling every inch of one another as if they'd never touched before. Simon's hands sneak from Bram's back to his stomach and Bram lifts himself up just enough to allow Simon's hands to touch his chest, They sneak their way down past his abs and then find their way down to his jeans. He runs his finger along the tip of his jeans, caressing the skin there between his hip bones and Bram's body tenses with anticipation.

"Can I?" Simon asks. Their foreheads are pressing together while both of their gazes are fixated on Simon's hands.

Bram moves his hand to assist Simon in undoing his belt.

"I'm guessing that's a yes." Simon chuckles.

They go through various stages of undress as they stand and stumble towards Bram's bedroom. They can't let each other go long enough to walk straight, so they're bumping into furniture and corners on their way. Their shirts are scattered on the couch, jeans pooled on the floor towards the bedroom, like breadcrumbs marking their path. The champagne lies unopened, the candles are still burning, the snacks are untouched, but the 60 second countdown to New Year has begun as the door to Bram's room slams shut.

-X-X-X-X-

_One Month Later_

_Simon:_   _GET OVER HERE! Bring Rico!_

Simon's group chat with Laura and Maria is lit with obscenities while they complain about a final table taking their "sweet ass time" past closing time to cash out. This Friday isn't unlike any other, except that without pledges to drive everyone around a large band of brothers decided to buy beer and liquor and have a game night at the house. 30 brothers quickly turned into 60 people, with more on the way. An odd playlist of classic rock, rap, and EDM fills the house and carries through the front and back yards.

He's in a beer pong standoff against Abbie and Nick. Leah is at his side. It hasn't been easy, but as days turned to weeks he found the two of them slipping back into what was their friendship, at least around other people. They hadn't spent much time alone, but they're talking more and are having fun together tonight. By the time Leah sinks the last cup Garrett has found his way over to the table to compliment her on her arch and accuracy. They both trail off together, leaving Nick, Simon, and Abby drinking as a trio.

"There's something up there." Abby's eyebrows are raised as far as they'll go as she wiggles her finger to motion to Garrett and Leah.

"There's definitely something up there." Nick echoes.

"I hope there's something up there," Simon tips his cup in their direction, "they'd be great together."

"Could you imagine!?" Abby clutches her pearls and speaks with a dramatic southern twang, "The president of Omega Beta Theta and the president of Kappa Gamma Delta!? Greek Life royalty!"

They laugh. Simon's been laughing a lot lately, which is a welcome reprieve to his pre-winter break cave of depression.

He sees Imani and Maddie dancing near the frat's make-shift bar and slinks his way over to them. He backs it up on them for a moment before digging in to the real reason he's interrupted them, "Where's Bram?"

"Behind you." Maddie points over his shoulder.

Simon doesn't have time to turn, because Bram's locked his arms around him. He plants a light kiss on Simon's neck and says into his ear, over the loud music, "Miss me?"

Simon turns, "Terribly."

He still has to pinch himself every now and then to soak up the fact that he can be with Bram more publicly now. His boyfriend is at his fraternity house and they're hugging each other. Just a couple of months ago he would have never dared to hope this could happen. He was so caught up in how to come out to the guys, how to make sure they would be okay with it, but Leah convinced him that it didn't matter.

"Why would you come out to them?" Leah had asked him a few weeks ago. "Just bring him over. Be with him like you would be with me. You don't owe them an explanation and if they're not cool with it then that's on them. Plus, you'll have an army of sorority girls waiting to attack anyone who so much as looks at you funny."

He did. A couple of weeks ago he finally convinced Bram to come over before they went downtown for the night. Wall was the first one to meet him. When Simon introduced him as his boyfriend, Wall's eyes went a bit wide. But, whether it was because he truly didn't care or because Abby, Nick, Garret, and Leah were all standing a few feet away looking ready to attack, Wall just shrugged and said "That's cool." 

That was the essential reaction for everyone. As word started to spread, and it did very quickly, his brothers seemed more-so curious to meet Bram than to question Simon about his sexuality. A few guys came to him sporadically just to ask why he didn't say something sooner. Instead of giving them the full spiel about how he was scared life was going to change, he just shrugged and said, "I like to make things more difficult than necessary."

He and Bram make their way back onto the front porch in time to see Maria, Laura, and Rico getting out of a Lyft and walking up to the house. Simon finds it hilarious that anytime Bram sees Rico he can't look him directly in the eye. While it hurt that night of the staff party assuming Bram was on a date with Rico, he's almost smug that Bram got blackout drunk and rambled on and on about him instead of showing even the slightest bit of interest in Rico. Imani's the one who told him that story, much to Bram's embarrassment. Maria herself felt horrible when Simon finally told her the truth, but quickly slipped into revelation after revelation about Bram's mystery man and how sprung he was over Simon.

Well, how sprung he still is.

They hang out together, enjoying a relatively quiet moment in a party that's destined to get shut down soon. Once they make their way back inside he sees Abby, Nick, Maria, Laura, Rico, Maddie, Imani, Garrett, Leah and a couple other brothers playing Circle of Fire. They're laughing and talking to one another as if the mess that was November and December never happened. Watching them just  _be_  together and knowing that he can  _be_  with Bram fills him with a sense of hope.

He didn't have that hope for a long time. Even in his best of times with Leah, he always knew that being with her meant not being his true self. He lost his true self after his mom passed away and trapped himself in a cage of lies meant to make his life easier, more manageable, but it did nothing but make things harder. He made things harder because he was terrified of the change, of what people would say. How they would react. But now, watching his friends play a drinking game to the backdrop sound of  _Baba O'Riley_ and seeing not one off-stare at him and Bram nuzzling each other at the corner of the room makes him...happy. Even seeing Anna pounding back a shot while glaring at sophomore Michelle and Chris dancing together makes him laugh. Things are just  _normal_. It's surprising, really. He was so terrified of what people would do that he never really thought about the fact that they could surprise him. They could be accepting. They could be supportive. They could surprise him in the best of ways, if only he would have let them surprise him earlier.

"Where are you?" Bram whispers into his ear. He's slurring slightly. He never could hold his alcohol as well as Simon.

"I'm here." Simon smiles. "With you. Always."

Bram leans closer, letting his lips rest a few centimeters away from Simon's. "I love you."

"I love you more."

"Impossible."

"Totally possible, it's happening right now."

Simon closes the rest of the distance so their lips can connect.

Bram smiles and returns the kiss, their breath in sync. They pull apart when they hear Maria yell across the room: "Oh yea GET IT!" All of the eyes at the Circle of Fire table are on them, hands waving for them to come over and join. Well, all except for Laura and Maria who are wasting no time in making lewd gestures to embarrass the boys.

He can't help but think of how lucky he is to have these people. Not just his friends, but his fraternity. His family. All of these people who together make up the mosaic of his life. All these people who surprised him by not just showing tolerance, but acceptance. His fraternity wasn't going to start playing Carly Rae Jepson to replace their classic rock any time soon, but he can't help but feel so deeply, authentically, viscerally happy.

In this moment he promises himself to let people surprise him more often. And to ensure Bram gets as drunk as possible tonight, because nothing is cuter than adorable drunk-Bram.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading this! This story was based heavily on my coming out experience in college, with some added angst and drama (obviously). I'm so grateful for every read, comment and kudos! Much much much love!


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